7 People You Meet as A Food Delivery Driver

You meet many interesting people as a food delivery courier. Here are seven.

Ms. Crazy-and-Unreasonable Request

This customer asks you to perform unusual or unreasonable tasks. “Can you do a magic trick for a tip?” they ask. Huh?

Mr. Cancel-Order-After-Getting-It

I’m not exactly sure how this works, but I believe the strategy with this guy is is to place an order, and then before the driver can close out the transaction on the app, he cancels the order with some lame excuse. Free food!

Mr. Too-Stoned-To-Answer-the-Door

Mr. Too-Stoned or Too-Drunk places the order and then falls asleep. You stand outside pounding on the door. I try to get them awake by yelling, “Chad, get up! The zombies are coming!

Too-Cheap-to-Tip-and-Doesn’t-Want-To-Face-the-Driver Lady

She won’t tip but doesn’t want to face you. She writes comments like “Leave bag in the door” or “Leave it on the porch and leave.” Or she cracks the door and sticks out only her hand, or tries to look distracted by pretending she is on the phone or dealing with a baby.

10 Dumb Jokes Alexa Told Me

Alexa is an amazing device. I get news, music, and podcasts instantly. So why do I spend way too much time asking for it to tell me a joke or make a farting sound? Sounds like a personal problem. Anyhoo, here are some dumb jokes Alexa told me.

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did the square say to the circle?
You are pointless.

What was George Washington’s favorite picnic food?
His Uncle’s Ham.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you might as well barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

A Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They are always plotting something.

What do you call an American Revolutionary who draws cartoons?
Yankee Doodler.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

9 San Francisco Fun Facts: Cab Drivers and Drunk Tourists

Sally and I started doing stand-up comedy together back in the day in San Francisco. I asked her to share some facts about the city—rare and interesting stuff for my readers. As a native, I knew she could help me out.

“Sally, my readers are smart, like to travel and drink a lot of alcohol. What cool stuff can you tell them about San Francisco to help them enjoy a visit?”

“Well, how about this, San Francisco is 350 miles from Los Angeles. It’s just far enough to avoid the LA cloud of phoniness, desperation and bad coffee.”

“OK, that stings a little. What else?”

“Well, it’s the most second-most densely-populated large city in the country, second only to New York City. It is made up of 90 percent cab drivers and 10 percent drunk tourists stumbling around Fisherman’s Wharf.”

“Good. Keep going,” I said, writing notes.

“The city was founded in June of 1776 when some dudes from Spain built a fort at the Golden Gate and named it after St. Francis of Assisi.”

“St. Frances the Sissy?” I said.

“No dummy, St. Frances of Assisi. He was born Giovanni di Pietro di Bernardone, but his nickname was Francesco. His buddies called him Frank.

“He created the Order of Friars, which was an early fast food chain selling only French Fries.

“He soon gave up the fry business, and took a vow of poverty. He received the Stigmata in 1224. That’s when a person’s hands and feet show the wounds of Jesus from being on the cross. Experienced comedians sometimes experience the Comedy Stigmata, which is when you feel the wounds of prior nights of bombing.

“Three quarters of San Francisco was leveled in the earthquake and fire of 1906. They are still rebuilding Daly City.”

“How about this?: The Chinese fortune cookie was invented in San Francisco.”

“I did not know that. I remember a fortune I read recently. It said, ‘He who bowls a 300-Game talks about it forever.”

“Funny!” she said without smiling. “OK, here is some more. Lombard Street gets all the press, but Filbert street is steeper with a 31.5 degrees incline. I live there–my address is 3-1-2-Woaaaaaah!

“Contrary to popular opinion, Mark Twain never said, ‘The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Franscico.’ He said, ‘The coldest winter I ever spent was the Christmas I told my wife she looked fat in those jeans.’

“The Beatles last full concert was in San Francisco at Candlestick park in August of 1966. Despite a winning season that year, John said at the concert that the Beatles ‘were bigger than the San Francisco Giants.’

“Gold prospectors in 1949 were so eager to strike it rich, they abandoned ships in the harbor. They city turned them into homes and businesses. In fact, the city can turn them back into ships with 30 minutes notice, just in case California starts sliding into the ocean.

“San Francisco has a long line of eccentrics. In 1859, Joshua Abraham Norton named himself as emperor of San Francisco. His first decree was to outlaw reasonably-priced parking spaces.

“The Navy was originally going to paint the Golden Gate Bridge black with yellow stripes. It doesn’t have the same ring to it when you say the Bumblebee Gate Bridge.”

“Wow! This is great stuff,” I said. “Anything else?”

“Here is a weird one,” she said. “San Francisco had the country’s first ugly law where ugly people were not supposed to show their face out on the streets.”

“Ouch, that’s a cruel law,” I said. “In those days, my cousin Ernie would never had been allowed to go outside. He’s so ugly, when he was a kid they used him as a hockey goal.”

10 Signs You Are About To Lose The Softball Game

The other team is in two rows down on one knee facing each other, practicing throwing and snagging ground balls. Your team is in the parking lot drinking beer.

The other team’s catcher used to play semi-pro on the East Coast. Your team’s catcher has weak ankles, and a throw to second that takes longer than a flight from NYC to LA.

The other team has matching uniforms and real baseball shoes. The only thing consistent on your team are knee-high white athletic socks and shoes normally worn to paint the house.

The other team has three legit home run hitters. Your team’s top hitter’s only home runs this year were against a vegan club too weak to run down fly balls.

The other team arrives early to hit balls and talk strategy. Your team straggles in, checking their March Madness bets on their smartphone.

The other team has a hitting coach. Your team’s coach is hitting on the single women.

The other team has organized cheers and chants designed to demoralize the other team. Your team’s best cheer is “OK, look alive out there.”

The other team has top of the line bats and custom-made gloves. Your team member’s gloves were last used by their brother in his Little League 10 years ago.

The other team’s best runner slides hard face-first into the bases. Your best runner doesn’t slide for fear of inflaming an old groin injury from high school.

The other team has 150 people in the stands cheering them on. Your team has 3 dogs on leashes tied to the fence.

The Rise of The LA Traffic Monsters

Monster

It started with “Carmageddon,” the closing of the I-405 freeway on July 15, 2011 to renovate the Sepelveda Pass exits. It was followed by “Carmageddon II,” the weekend of Sep. 29 and 30, 2012, when road crews attacked the Mulholland Drive Bridge to demolish and replace it.

Recently it was announced “Jamzilla” will close the 405 northbound lanes next month over President’s Day weekend. Again, Metro officials are asking Angelenos to stay home to alleviate possible congestion.

At the same press conference to announce Jamzilla, Metro laid out a number of other traffic monsters coming later:

Gridlockataur

To relieve gridlock downtown during rush hours, downtown streets will be closed in May 2014. New technology is being installed–any car that blocks any intersection after the light has turned red will be flagged. Autobots will descend from the sky and fire advanced lasers at the automobile, turning it into a ball of fire.

Beacherella

Every Friday the 405 South locks up with corporate drones escaping their cubes to get back to their over-priced homes in the South Bay. Beacherella will shut down the 405 South in July to install a system that is a joint effort with the US Army. Giant transport helicopters will fly above troublesome drivers, lower a massive claw, lift the car and drop it in the Pacific Ocean.

Valleyacula

Despite plenty of alternative routes, Valley drivers insist on taking Ventura Boulevard all day and all night. Valleyacula will shut down Ventura for one week in September to turn it into an extension of LAX. The plan will keep cars of Ventura for good, forcing them to take other streets, and add a much needed additional runway for domestic flights. The Sherman Oaks Galleria will be turned into an auxiliary terminal to direct incoming air traffic.

Prepare now for these major changes, and don’t be surprised to see more as Metro attempts to deal with increasing traffic problems in the city.

Dear God, What’s Happening?

David Thorne is an Australian comedian. In this very funny email exchange, he tries to deal with a neighbor across the street who installed a very bright security lamp.

“I cant help it if some of the light goes across the road. Put something up in your window.”

“Thank you for your email. While I accept that curtains are usually the key to community accord, in this instance they would need to be constructed of eight-inch-thick lead sheeting. Last night, with my curtains closed and bedside light off, I read a book. Wearing sunglasses. Under a blanket.”

Crazy People In Los Angeles

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Super-Sensitive-Car-Alarm

Mr. Super-Sensitive-Car-Alarm has a car alarm that goes off at the slightest provocation. You can count on every time a loud motorcycle, dump truck or car blasting gangster rap drives by, his car alarm will go off. Which it does, every twenty minutes. Right outside your window.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Gotta-Valet Gal

Gotta-Valet Gal valets her car everywhere she goes. I’m not talking someone that valet parks at Lakers games and clubs in Hollywood. I mean everywhere! Stopping by the supermarket for some gum? Valet park! Running to the pet store for some Alpo for Mr. Cribs? Valet! If they offered valet parking at McDonald’s, she would do it in a second.

Maybe it’s not Gotta-Valet Gal’s fault. Growing up, there was valet parking at her pre-school. Her own house had valet parking just for the valet parkers.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Non-Bouncer

Mr. Non-Bouncer seems to be using the job to meet girls rather than control the bar.

Massive bar fight? It’ll work itself out. The bar is on fire? They needed to get rid of some of those old tables anyway.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Mr. Early-Morning-Rap-Blaster

Mr. Early-Morning-Rap-Blaster thinks nothing of blasting his gangster rap out of the windows as he sits at a stop light in crowded neighborhood. Don’t worry, dude, everybody loves gangster rap, right? Especially at 530am! Thanks!

Crazy People In Los Angeles: 50-Shades-of-Blonde Gal

50 Shades of Blonde Gal has beautiful brown hair she hasn’t seen in 35 years. The multiple shades of blonde she has chosen over the years have morphed into a whitish super-platinum not found in nature.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: I-Can’t-Get-Away-From Smoking Guy

Sometimes when I am walking down the street I get stuck behind Smoking Guy. For unexplained reasons of science, I can never get away from the smoke. No matter which way the wind is blowing, the smoke ends up in my face. If I stop walking altogether, Smoking Guy and his group of friends do the same. If I duck into the 7-11, Smoking Guy and his crew do the same, probably to get more cigarettes.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy

Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy is picking up a coworker for their early shift at the plant, or maybe they are heading out for a road trip. Rather than get out of the car and knock on the door, he honks the horn to announce his arrival. Never mind the thousands of people sound asleep in the neighborhood. We wouldn’t want you to have to get out of the car.

And where is the ridee? They are never ready to go, so Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy tries again with another long tap on the ‘ol car horn.

Now I am wide awake, so I turn on the TV and mindlessly surf channels. No problem. I didn’t have a busy day ahead and wasn’t counting on getting some decent sleep. Thanks, Four-In-The-Morning-Car-Honker Guy.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Downfill-Jacket-in-Ninety-Degree-Weather-on-a-Bike

It’s hot. You are hoping your water bottle holds out until you get back to your air conditioned car. Walking along, suddenly Mr. Downfill-Jacket-in-Ninety-Degree-Weather-on-a-Bike rounds the corner. He looks cool and comfortable with a full North Face down jacket, heavy ski pants and orange Nike’s.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Cellphone Drifter Guy

Cellphone Drifter Guy is usually found downtown. He wears several guises but I always seem to get trapped by the lawyer version. He’s strolling along, talking loudly on his cellphone.

You are walking along when you find yourself blocked by CDG–hey, it’s a big city. It’s going to happen. You downshift and try to pass on the left between him and the street.

But Cellphone Drifter Guy is so into his phone call he’s not really watching wear he is walking. He drifts. He drifts right in front of you, blocking your passing move.

No problem. You pull a tailback rolling move and try to pass on the other side between CDG and the building. Nope. CDG has drifted back the other way and blocks that lane.

Good luck.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Trying-Too-Hard-To-Be-Connected-To-a-Famous-Person Gal

“My sister’s pool guy’s cousin went to high school with Linsday Lohan.”

“The security guard in my building used to date a girl who once auditioned with a very young Scott Baio.”

All day long she tries to connect herself to fame.

“My dog groomer learned the trade from a Russian guy in Beverly Hills who personally takes care of Kobe Bryant’s dogs.”

Yawn.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Downtown-Art-Snob Guy

This guy stands next to art in downtown galleries talking so loud you want to wear earmuffs. “Yes, this installation is part machine, part sculpture. The artist uses water as a metaphor for life, water as birth and water as death. It gives life and takes it away.” You move closer and he’s talking about the Sparklett’s Water Bottle machine.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. Play-Christmas-Carols-All-Year-Long Ice Cream Man

In the middle of July this ice cream truck guy is rolling through your neighborhood blaring “Rudolph the Red-Rosed Reinder.”

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Mr. Classical-Music-Blaster

Mr. Classical-Music-Blaster likes to play classical music from his laptop really loud in public eating areas. He KNOWS everyone loves his music selections. He KNOWS everyone LOVES classical music, so he is doing a public service.

I’m sure this is a great hamburger, but my brain can’t process the taste because it is spending all of its time trying to block out the blaring music.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Here-Take-Your-Change-In-A-Big-Clump Parking Garage Toll Booth Guy

You give him $20 for a $5.50 parking tab. Instead of handing you the change so you can actually hold it (like maybe first the bills and then the coins), he hurriedly stuffs a huge wad of bills and coins in your left hand. You attempt to bring your right hand over to assist as coins and bills fall on the floor of your car.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. I-Must-Turn-Before-You-Walk-Through-The-Crosswalk

You are walking with the WALK sign across the intersection. This guy is coming the other way and is trying to judge if he can turn before you get in the way. As long as he doesn’t actually make contact with you, he figures he made a safe turn. He guns it through the turn, looking over and as if to say, “See, I MADE it. Take that, walker!”

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. I-Must-Creep-Behind-You-As-You-Walk-Through-The-Crosswalk

You are walking with the WALK sign across the intersection. This guy is coming the other way and needs to wait on you to walk through the crosswalk so he can proceed. Rather than sit still for 2 seconds waiting, he creeps up on you within inches, edging forward as you walk.

Crazy People in Los Angeles: Mr. So-That’s-How-It-Is!

You are walking along when this guy asks for some money. You say you don’t have any. He flies into an animated rage. “OK, I see! So, that’s how it is! You got no money! UH-HUH!

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal

Back-Window-Of-My-Volkswagen-Beetle-Full-Of-Stuffed-Animals Gal has filled her car’s back window deck with 20 or 30 stuffed animals. Listen, we got that you were whimsical when you chose to drive a pink Beetle. You didn’t need to drive the point home by cramming the back window with every stuffed animal you’ve had since 3rd grade.

Crazy People In Los Angeles: Nag-Nag-Nag-In-Two-Languages-At-The-Same-Time Gal

It’s hard enough getting nagged in one language. Nag-Nag-Nag-In-Two-Languages-At-The-Same-Time Gal likes to turn up the heat on her boyfriend/husband in two languages, alternating one per nag. The end result is much more powerful than one language alone.

Crazy Golfers

Crazy Golfers

Golf is a game that will make you nuts. Over the years I’ve met all kinds of crazy golfers—so crazy I decided to write them all down. Are you in here somewhere?

I-Can’t-Decide-On-A-Club Guy

I-Can’t-Decide-On-A-Club Guy quickly he pulls the five-iron out of his bag. Looking again at the yardage, he puts back the five-iron and pulls the four-iron.

After a couple of nice practice swings he settles in to his shot…looks at the flag…looks down.

He stands up, walks back to the bag. Might really need a hybrid, he decides. He walks back to the ball with his 3-hybrid.

He checks the wind by throwing grass in the air…settles in…stands up. Maybe it is a five-metal, he thinks. No, it’s definitely the hybrid.

He slashes down at the ball with the hybrid and shoots it over the green into a condo complex.

Mr. Stand-In-the-Tee-Box-Too-Long

Mr. Stand-In-the-Tee-Box-Too-Long has hit his drive, watched it land in the trees, and continues to stand in place, talking to himself about what he did wrong on the shot.

You are standing behind waiting to hit. He is muttering and doing a slow motion replay of his swing to see where it broke down while you cool your heels.

Greenskeeper Guy

Golfers are charged with repairing their ball marks, the indentation the ball makes when it hits the green. Left untouched a ball mark becomes a brown scar. Some golfers are less than attentive to this duty.

Greenskeeper Guy has made it his personal mission in life to right this wrong. He will repair his ball mark and 47 more. As you reach to repair your own mark, suddenly he is there with his special tool, saying “I got it.”

Let-Me-Put-the-Flag-Back Guy

Let-Me-Put-the-Flag-Back Guy insists on putting the flag back on every hole. If you putt out and then pick up the flag to wait for the others to putt he will rush over to you and say, “I got it. Thanks.”

This dude perplexes me. I don’t know if he used to be a caddy, is anal-retentive, or likes to be super-helpful. Sometimes he’ll grab the flag as you are inches away from putting it back yourself. “Don’t worry about it! I got it!” he says as he snatches it away.

Gotta-Find-My-Tee Guy

After hitting his drive, he begins the search for his tee. However, the tee has decided to make itself scarce.

It must be made of gold and silver because Gotta-Find-My-Tee Guy is making ever broader search circles trying to rescue it.

Mr. Rule Book

“Uh, you have to count that stroke,” Mr. Rule Book tells you. “According to the amended USGA rulebook- Section 4, Paragraph 2, you may replace your ball within two club lengths no nearer the hole or a Democrat. Failure to do so is a one stroke penalty.”

Mr. Walk Ahead

He is the first to hit his drive. Rather than wait for everyone to hit, Mr. Walk Ahead is off to the races, walking along the tree line to his ball. Later in the round you will start to hit an approach shot when you notice Mr. Walk Ahead is actually up on the green.

He doesn’t seem to be watching so you yell “Fore!” or “Heads Up!”

He waves impatiently as if to say, “go ahead and hit, I see you.”

So you do just that, wondering why someone in your own foursome is standing on the green when everyone else is 150 yards out.

Mr. Wait-Until-It-Is-My-Turn-To-Putt-to-Fix-Every-Blade-of-Grass-in-My-Line

He’s the last to putt so he has had plenty of time to fix ball marks or stray pebbles in his line. But he waits until it is his turn to putt.

All of a sudden he is walking up and down the line, taking a survey of every blade of grass between his ball and the hole, leaning down to stab the green with his ball mark tool or to sweep the ground with his hand.

This goes on for 20 minutes while you recalculate your quarterly taxes in your head.

Frozen in Time Gal

Frozen in Time Gal has settled in to hit a shot. Soon she will hit the ball.

Any. Time. Now. There she goes. Nope. Still frozen. She’s thinking. About something.

Here she goes. Nope. She still hasn’t moved.

Maybe she died in her golf shoes and her body went into rigor mortis.

Wait. I saw a flicker of life. Now she’s got it! Nope, false alarm. Just a waggle.

My mind is wandering now. I need to pick up milk on the way home.

Mr. Hard on Himself

Mr. Hard on Himself loves to berate himself after every shot. He does this because he thinks that’s how good golfers act.

He may hit a towering three-iron draw to 5 feet of the pin at which point you say, “Nice shot!”

He replies angrily, “Yeah but I left myself a downhill putt!”

“Good-Shot! Nope!” Guy

This is a close cousin to “Good Shot!” Guy. In this case, as soon as you swing he says “Good Shot!” enthusiastically followed immediately by a condescending “Nope!” Occasionally he will vary it by saying “Good Shot! Nope, you didn’t get it!”

Mr. Latest Equipment

This guy has the latest Callaway Big-As-Half-a-Loaf-of-Rye-Bread Bertha. He had the first metal woods on the market. He had the first graphite shafts. He had the first titanium.

He scours golf magazines looking for articles like, “Will the New Kryptonite Shafts Help YOUR Game?” All day he must tell you what equipment you should have, “You should get a Tight Lies. You would have hit a good shot there with a Tight Lies.”

Mr. Golf Joke

Mr. Golf Joke spends the whole round reeling off one joke after another.

His golf joke recall is amazing:

Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. “Bad day at the course?” his wife asked.

“Everything was going fine,” he said. “Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee.”

“Oh, that’s awful!”

“You’re not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry.

He can go from a long, story type joke to a short one liner faster than a Nick Price swing:

I told my friend I got a set of Callaways for my wife and he said, “Nice Trade.”

At first it is entertaining but by the fifth hole you are ready for his show to be cancelled.

Good Shot Guy

Many golfers will say “Good shot!” during a round. Good Shot Guy says it after every shot made by anyone on the course. They are so eager sometimes they will say it before you actually hit the ball.

Mr. Multi-Bet

Mr. Multi-Bet isn’t happy unless there are 9 bets and games going on at the same time.

“OK, Sam got a Sandie and Ben got a Greenie. Ben was Wolf on that one and also completed the Bingo Bango Bongo. Our side got the Nassau on the back and the 18.

I used up all my Criers and Whiners and missed the putt. Jimbo got two, count ‘em, TWO, Barkies which I’ve never seen. We did a Double Secret Probation Press and you guys countered with the Houston We Have A Problem.

All told, you owe us $457,000.”

Mr. Can’t-Decide-Where-to-Tee-the-Ball

He leans over and tees up his ball. He stands behind the ball to start his pre-shot routine. Not satisfied with the where the ball is teed, he moves it to the other side of the tee-box and begins his routine again. Still not happy, he moves the ball to the middle of the teeing area. You are so happy when he tees off that you don’t see his ball sailing into the lake.

Mr. Instructor

Mr. Instructor offers golf tips without anyone asking for them. He has every golf book, video and gadget and is hell-bent on sharing this knowledge with everyone he comes into contact with (despite his 20 handicap).

Mr. “Did You Watch My Ball?”

A close cousin of Mr. Did You See My Ball?, this guy enlists you as his personal caddy. He’s not asking if you merely saw the shot, he is asking if you did your job and watched his shot every second and can point out exactly what tree he hit. Expect to be caddying all day, as he will do this on every shot.

Gotta-Go Guy

Every time you turn around Gotta-Go Guy is answering the call of nature.

His bladder is smaller than a ball marker.

Mr. Start-a-Story-at-the-Wrong-Time

This guy always starts a new story at the worst time. Your foursome is on the green putting. The group behind had been waiting all day.

As he leans over to putt Mr. Start A Story at The Wrong Time suddenly rises up and says, “I was in this tournament one time. Me and this other guy were tied going into the final hole. This other guy has a short putt to win it. He gets cocky and slaps it in with one hand as he faces the hole. My buddy says that is a two stroke penalty. The guys says no way. My buddy showed him the rulebook right there. He was right. And I won it.”

Looking back you see steam coming out of the waiting foursome.

Exact Yardage Guy

Exact Yardage Guy needs to know the precise yardage at all times.

“Is the pin at the front of the green or the back?”

“What does the yardage on that drain say?”

“Let me check my course guide- it says it is 183 yards from this eucalyptus tree.”

After tearing up some grass and throwing it in the air they say, “Looks like about a half club breeze.” This wouldn’t be so bad if he did it quickly but he evaluates every yard like he is planning a construction site.

Giant-Visor Lady

Giant Visor Lady has a visor that is 43 times bigger than her head. It expands out from her forehead like an awning. I believe the idea is to keep the sun from ever hitting her face. You could keep the sun off half of Wyoming with that visor. Sometimes you get several Giant Visor Ladies in one foursome- when they get to the green they cannot move without cutting each other.

Mr. Talk-Talk

The opposite of Quiet Guy, Mr. Talk-Talk can’t shut up. His signature move: he keeps talking while the other three golfers in the foursome are teeing off– he thinks he is lowering his voice but it in reality he has just brought it down to normal speaking level. Most of the time his buddies are used to it and laugh it off or ignore him. The people putting on the green behind him are not so lucky.

Quiet Guy

You’ll forget he’s even in your group. Quiet guy doesn’t enter into conversation or make any sound at all. That has its benefits. But after three hours of complete silence it starts to get creepy.

 Overbearing Husband Instructor Guy

Overbearing Husband Instructor Guy is out with his wife who is learning the game. Rather than spring for lessons he has named himself her pro. She seems rather quiet the whole time. All is low-key until she misses a putt on the fourth green.

“NO, I said aim HERE!” he yells, pointing at a brown spot surrounded by fifty other brown spots.

Later she chunks a three-wood which skitters 30 yards along the grass. He shoots forward in the cart without her and stomps on the brakes near her ball. As she walks up he yells, “NO! That’s not what I showed you!”

I-Can’t-Remember-Golf-Jokes Guy

Unlike Mr. Golf Joke who remembers thousands of jokes, I-Can’t-Remember-Golf-Jokes Guy starts jokes with aplomb but is soon lost.

“Tiger, Arnie and St. Peter are teeing off. Wait, I mean Tiger, Jack, and God are teeing off…..wait……”

Mr. Real Men Play Blades

Blades are thin, knife-like golf clubs favored by better golfers. M

Mr. Real Men Play Blades looks down with disdain on anybody playing perimeter-weighted game-improvement clubs, which is to say 99% of golfers.

Ben-Hogan-Superfan Guy

Ben Hogan Superfan Guy worships at the Church of Ben Hogan– he has every book, video or filmstrip created by Mr. Hogan. He has a tattered 25-year-old paperback copy of ‘Five Lessons: The Modern Fundamentals of Golf’ in his golf bag which he refers to between each shot.

He is using a set of Ben Hogan blades his dad bought for him in 1968 and he has used ever since. After the round is over he will sit on the golf discussion boards and pontificate about Hogan’s secret and the correct use of pronation.

Mr. Blame the Course

As his game deteriorates over 18 holes he starts blaming the course.

“Don’t they ever mow this rough?”

“What is the stimpmeter on this green? Zero?”

“This course has gone to hell!”

“Is the greenskeeper on medication?”

Mr. “I-Know-Where-Your-Ball-Went”

You shank a 3-iron to the right rough. “I saw it!” he says. “It just went over the cart-path!” Oddly, the ball is not there. It never is where he says it will be.

The false hope he builds up results in disappointment every time.

“Wow! I was sure it would be right there!” he points at the ground.

Except that it’s not.

Mr. “I’ll Find It”

Mr. I’ll Find It spends 20 minutes looking for a lost ball. These thrifty golfers organize a safari with tents and camping gear and push further and further into the underbrush. One of the adventurers cries out, “Eureka, we’ve found it, I see a Titleist at the bottom of that ravine!”

Don’t-Try-To-Be-Tiger-Woods Instructor Guy

This instructor will admonish you “don’t try to be like Tiger Woods. You can’t be like Tiger Woods.”

Later he puts your swing on video and asks you to huddle around the computer monitor. He has split the screen with your lumpy body on the left. On the right he has, that’s right, Tiger Woods.

He proceeds to show you how you can “make your swing more like Tiger Woods.”

Over-The-Top Reaction Guy

Over-The-Top Reaction Guy lines up quietly for a putt. When it misses the hole he runs around the green making loud choking noises while laughing uncontrollably and looking up at the sky with hands outstretched.

The ball has rolled six feet past the hole which leaves him still away. At first, the other golfers wait to see if he is going to return to the game.

Noticing that he is now dancing around the fringe flailing his arms and repeatedly yelling, “That’s insane!,” they decide to putt out without him.

Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody

“I was All-State my junior and senior year in high school,” Mr. I Coulda Been Somebody tells you.

He definitely has skills–you can see it in his swing–but he reminds you every 3 holes.

“I actually beat Tiger Woods once when we were 9-year-olds. I was going to the show- until I broke my thumb senior year at Oklahoma State. Was never the same after that.”

“No Pressure” Guy

All day you will hear a color commentary of your game followed by the catchphrase “No pressure.” Sometimes they are just trying to be funny, other times they are setting up the betting, or at times they are just being a dork.

You line up your putt. He says, “You’ve missed this putt all day but you need to make this one for your par. No pressure.”

You step into a shot. “Looks like you are 150 yards out and you really need a cut shot here but you don’t have that in your bag. No pressure.”

You are in the rough in the trees. “Well you could go over the top but it’s risky but going under the branches is worse. No pressure.”

“I’m Usually Better Than This” Guy

After chunking, chili-dipping and slicing into the trees all day, this golfer announces “I’m usually better than this.”

This is sometimes followed by a medical excuse: “This sprained wrist is killing me.”

Plumb-Bob Guy

Plumb-Bob Guy evaluates a putt from every direction. First they stand behind the ball and plumb-bob their putter as if they are surveying new road construction.

They don’t feel confident until they consult a U.S. Corps of Engineers topographic map they have spread out on a Black and Decker Workmate set up on the green.

Then they take a soil sample to determine moisture content and grass variety. By this time you’ve sat in the fairway so long waiting for them to clear the green you get hungry so you build a fire and roast hot dogs.

Ms. Alignment

Ms. Alignment is very concerned with aligning every molecule of her body before beginning her swing. She stands next to the ball and presses the club across her shoulders as she looks toward the target.

Next she holds the club across her thighs and rechecks the target. Light is slipping away as she holds the club at arm’s length like a weight bar, checking that her feet and toes are aligned. Satisfied, she lashes at the ball and drives it straight into a house.

Mr. Fashion

Mr. Fashion looks like he just stepped out of a Ralph Lauren golf magazine ad. God forbid it starts to rain. Mr. Fashion forgot to pack a brolly and now his cashmere argyle sweater is starting to look like a wet cat walking home during a storm. I hope those purplish golf shoes are waterproof.

Mr. “Is That My Ball?”

Mr. “Is That My Ball?” will constantly walk up to your ball, which is clearly marked in 7 day-glow markers, and ask “Is that my ball?”

At least 6 times during the round he will stand over your ball ready to hit it until you say, “Uh, were you playing a ball with more graffiti on it than a school in the Bronx? I think that’s my ball you are getting ready to slice into the lake.”

Mr. “Did You See My Ball?”

He can’t see past his nose or he keeps his head down so long he never gets a bead on his shot. Either way he constantly asks if you saw where it went.

“Did You See My Ball?”

“Yes, I saw it hit the church tower and bounce into an open casket at a funeral. Good luck with that.”

Mr. No Putting Touch

Carefully he examines his 15 foot putt from 10 angles. Finally he pulls the trigger and blows the putt 12 feet past the hole. Lining up again he sends it 8 feet past.

This guy has hands like Hormel Hams and the sensitive touch of a hockey fight.

Mr. What Flag?

This guy never, never, never puts the flag back in the hole. That’s the kind of menial work best served by, say, anyone he happens to be playing with.

He might be standing right next to it and all has to do is bend down to pick it up. But no, it must be his poor eyesight because he never sees it. It is like it doesn’t exist in his mind.

Mr. Logos

With huge brand name logos on his hat, shirt, shirt sleeve, belt, slacks and shoes, he looks like a NASCAR driver who crashed into the pro shop!

Mr. “Give-Me-a-Six”

On a par 4 you watch this golfer hit two shots OB. Later he takes three shots to get out of a green-side trap, blades his chip back across the green again and then four-putts.

Heading back to the cart he calls out to his buddy, “Give me a six.”

Elite Fat Cell Fighting Force

I finally realized I have no chance against my fat cells.

I run every day. I eat right. I took 2 days off due to some heavy work assignments, and I swear I gained 10 pounds.

Two days! Is there no rest? No break from fitness regimens and routines?

Finally, it came to me. My fat cells will never let me win. Never. No matter what I do, they fight back. They are an elite fat cell fighting force that does what ever it takes to win. I engage the fight by running every day. They battle back by digging in. I climb stairs for an hour. They just move to a different area of my body.

History of Los Angeles

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This map created by Diego Gutiérrez in 1562 is thought to be thevery first one to refer to “California.” It was also the inspiration for the Tupac recording “California Love.”

 

Have you ever wondered where the name California came from? It is from a 1510 novel by Garci Rodríguez de Montalvo called, “Las Serges de Esplandian (The Adventures of Esplandian). Early Spanish explorers thought California was an island, and named it after a mythical island from the novel. In the novel, the island of California is inhabited by proud female Amazon warriors. The other name they considered was “Kardashiania.”

Like most of America, there were already native populations that lived here before the Spanish sailed up the coast. The Tongva have made the area home for 3-5,000 years, which is about how long it feels to sit through a Transformers movie.

 

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Felipe de Neve (1728-84). Governor of California 1775-82, Founder of Los Angeles

 

In 1781, LA’s first pobladores (townspeople) supposedly marched from the mission at San Gabriel to get the pueblo of LA started. Uh, that’s quite a hike. I’m surprised some of them didn’t get to Monterey Park and say, “OK, that’s far enough for me. We are going to order some dumplings and watch HBO tonight.”

They arrived at the pueblo of LA in June and started working their assigned plots of land. Yet Felipe de Neve said they arrived September 4, 1781 and fixed that as the official founding date of the city. Basically, he made up the city’s birthday. Angelenos have been lying about their age ever since.

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Pueblo of Los Angeles – Main Plaza 1869

I know someone who directs commercials–he was interviewing child actors for a job. One kid said, “Don’t worry about my age, sir. Six is the new four.”

The march from San Gabriel is often marked with processions that recreate the characters and the event, but a lot shorter. No one is going to walk from San Gabriel to Downtown today. But here’s the problem. Historians now say…

The March from the Mission at San Gabriel
Never Actually Happened

Like much of history, it was made up, probably to look good for the mucky mucks back in Spain to show that things were happening in the new world. Hey, come on, like you never fabricated anything on your monthly report to the boss.

Why is LA situated where it is anyway? If you were going to build a city on the West Coast, wouldn’t you situate it, say, on the coast? What if they had decided to make the center of New York City somewhere in the middle of New Jersey?

It turns out the crafty Spaniards had a whole rulebook on how to start a pueblo. “The Laws of the Indies,” published by King Phillip II in 1573, gave would-be pueblo-building subjects of the crown a set of guidelines to follow. One of the rules was to locate a new pueblo twenty miles from the ocean as a deterrent to pirates. That seems a little over-protective. Wouldn’t ten miles do it? What pirate is going to climb out of the ship and hike more than a mile just to pillage a city? Heck, you are in Southern California. Just enjoy the beach while you are there.

The “Laws” covered almost everything about building a pueblo. They said you needed a water supply, a source of labor, and in LA, a good headshot photographer, especially if they can handle last minute shoots.

Some people wonder why LA’s downtown streets are all run at an angle (Northwest to Southeast, Northeast to Southwest), while in the rest of the city the streets run north and south like most towns. This came direct from the Spanish “Laws,” which said pueblo streets should be set a 45-degree angle. You can see this in other Spanish settlements like San Jose, Monterey, and Williamsburg.

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“Laws of The Indies” dictated streets run at 45-degree angles from North/South.

 

The idea was that it promoted better wind flow, more shade and easier walking. These seem like dubious claims. While you are making things up, just say it helped your digestion and cleared out your sinuses as well.

Later, the city wanted to sell real estate to newbs from the East. Often they bought a plot sight unseen. You can’t sell plots of land on crooked streets very well, so starting at Hoover on the West side and Indiana St. on the East side, LA plotted out straight, boring plots that created nice straight residential streets that would soon be clogged with Teslas and Priuses. Or is that Prii?

The original settlement was near the river. After one flood too many, the townspeople said, “That’s it! Either we move, or we move this damn river!” Not having any heavy-duty river-moving equipment, they decided to relocate to higher ground. They built a plaza with an open central area, a church and the original arena for the Los Angeles Kings. In those days, they played in the yellow and purple jerseys.

Today the Old Plaza is a popular tourist attraction, formally the Los Angeles Plaza Historic District. Other official Los Angeles Historic Districts include the Old Plastic Surgery Square and the Old Fake Personality Circle.

Olvera Street is one of the most popular parts of the Plaza Historic District. It was originally called Wine Street, later renamed after Augustin Olvera, who once lived on the street.

Olvera was the first judge in Los Angeles County. Had he known what was going to become of the street that bears his name, he would have made it illegal to sell cheap mini guitars and other trinkets to tourists.

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Mini guitars for sale on Olvera Street.