Humor

General

Road Kill

Many people in LA fit the laid-back Southern California image. Others need to increase their Prozac dosage. Like the guy I accidentally cut off on the freeway once. He was going around 220 M.P.H. when my safe lane change apparently impeded his forward progress. He slowed to within inches of my rear bumper, showing his displeasure by honking wildly and flashing his lights. Ok, ok. I decided to move over to let his highness pass.

Unfortunately, this was at the same time he decided to go around me. So now he thinks I am playing with him and he is really mad. He is so close to me now he’s sitting in the passenger seat. He swings around to the right side and pulls up next to me, weaving back and forth, missing hitting my car by millimeters.

Finally, I said to myself- that’s enough for me! Time to go. I shot past him. He came after me. I exited the freeway and watched him follow me. I headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. At the first stop light he came up right behind me. All four doors opened. There is more than one guy. There are four.

Oddly, they just stood there yelling at me. I thought they were coming over to club me. The light turned green and I took off. They jumped back in came after me. I weaved in and out of traffic. “Road King” followed as close as he could. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was still there. I felt like Maverick in Top Gun, “I’ve got a bogie at seven o’clock!”

I came to a stop at the next light. They pulled up behind me again. The doors opened – they got out again. But again they stood there.

Then I heard it. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

They were pelting my car with beer bottles. But, most of the bottles hit my convertible roof and bounced like kids in the bounce house at McDonald’s. I took off when the light changed. They didn’t get back in the car in time. I shot down a side street. See ya.

It never rains in Southern California. Except beer bottles.

Read More
JokesUncategorized

Convoluted Compromise

At the height of a political corruption trial, the prosecuting attorney attacked a witness. “Isn’t it true,” he bellowed, “that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?”

The witness stared out the window, as though he hadn’t heard the question.

“Isn’t it true that you accepted five thousand dollars to compromise this case?” the lawyer repeated.

The witness still did not respond.

Finally, the judge leaned over and said, “Sir, please answer the question.”

“Oh,” the startled witness said, “I thought he was talking to you.”

Read More
Uncategorized

Pretty Penny

Two Scots, Rabby and Angus are playing golf and come upon a water hole.

Rabby tees up and hits it into the middle of the pond. He reaches into his bag to find that he is out of balls. He then asks Angus for a ball and proceeds to hit it into the pond as well. This goes on for 3 or 4 more times and when he asks Angus for yet another ball, Angus says.”Rabby, these ball cost me a pretty penny!”

Rabby replies “Och!, Angus if you cannee afford to play the game, ya should nee be out here.”

Read More
Sports

The Builder – Golf Joke

A builder and a priest are out for a game of golf one afternoon. Unfortunately the builder wasn’t very good at the game and every time he missed a shot would shout ‘Damn, missed’.

The game went on and after several outbursts from the builder, the priest could hold his tongue no longer. “Don’t swear like that” he told his friend, “or God will punish you”. The builder apologized and the game continued.

As soon as he missed another shot the builder shouted “Damn, missed.” and continued to do this every time he missed a shot for the next three holes.

The priest was starting to get really angry by now and said “I must insist that you stop swearing this instant, otherwise God will hear you and punish you!”

Once again, his pleas made no difference as the builder missed an easy putt on the seventeenth green and shouted out “Damn, missed”. Immediately the heavens parted and a bolt of lightning flew from the sky, hitting the priest and killing him stone dead.

Suddenly, a booming voice was heard in the clouds, “Damn, missed!”

Read More
Uncategorized

Bitter Cold

There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday, it didn’t matter what kind of weather it was. He was hooked One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.

His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife and said “Terrible weather out there.”

She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”

Read More
Uncategorized

Teacher To Play

So there’s this guy who golfs with his buddies every weekend, and his wife keeps bugging him to take her along and teach her to play. He finally relents, and the following Sunday finds them on the first tee.

She’s never played, so he tells her to go down to the ladies tees, watch him drive, and then try to do like he did. She goes down to the reds, the guy hooks his drive, and the ball hits his wife, killing her.

The police come to investigate, and the coroner says, “It’s the damnest thing I ever saw. There’s an imprint on her temple, and you can read “Titleist 1.”

“That was my ball,” the guy said.

“What I don’t understand,” the coroner continued, “is the one on her hip that says “Titleist 3.”

“Oh,” the guy replied, “that was my mulligan.”

Read More
Jokes

Jesus Is Watching You

One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you!" while he rummaged through the desk. He replied, "Who said that?!" Once again he heard the same thing, "Jesus is watching you!" The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, "Cornelius." The robber said, "What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!" The parrot said, "The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus."

Read More