How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.

Most New Businesses Fail — How to Make Sure Your Team Succeeds

Statistics don’t lie.

That’s not right. They lie all the time.

In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.

You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:

The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.

The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.

The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.

The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.

The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.

The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.

Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.

It’s the McDonald’s Next to the Arco

“Hi, this is your driver. You put the pin on the map in the middle of the freeway. Where exactly are you?”

“Oh, it’s for my cousin. Let me call him….He says he’s at the Arco.”

“What Arco? I have no idea where he is. There are 100 Arcos in this neighborhood.”

“Hold on…he says he is in the Arco next to the McDonald’s.”

“Still doesn’t help. I could drive for 10 years and still not find an Arco next to a McDonald’s.”

“Why, you don’t know your own city?”

“I assume your are kidding. Get I just get an address or cross streets?”

“No, he doesn’t know.”

“OK, I’m sorry, I have to cancel.”

“OK.”

 

3 Ways to Be Giddily Happy In Your Retirement Years

Now that you are retired, you need to change how you are doing things to be joyful and carefree. Here are three tips to stay giddily happy in retirement.

Spend More Time on Personal Relationships

I don’t mean your spouse and family. I mean the cashier at the Dunkin Donuts who never makes fun of you for ordering two dozen donuts every morning for yourself, the Uber Eats driver who brings you meals at home because you are too lazy to go to an actual restaurant for dinner, and the waitress at the local IHOP who calls you Double Slammie because you always order two Grand Slam breakfasts for lunch every day.

Maintain Your Health

Now you don’t have any excuse to work out and exercise. You can’t tell yourself, “OK, I am going to work out today!” and then blow it off for three months because you “are too busy at work.”

Have Fun

You’ve been so busy being a driven, mean curmudgeon trying to be a Master of the Universe, you forgot how to have fun. You remember fun! Remember floating down the river in inner tubes drinking watery beer? That was fun. How about the time you went down the giant slide at the water park and your swimming suit flew off half way down. Good times. You need to do more that now.

3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

5 Things Fantastic Bosses Tell Their Employees Every Day

Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:

1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.

2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)

3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.

4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.

5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

3 Ways to Be Super Successful in Your 20s

This is it – the prime of your life.

Your body is as fit as it is ever going to be.

No other decade of your life will you be able to stay out all night and put in a full day of half-assed work.

Take advantage of it. Here are 3 ways to become super successful in your 20s.

Move Faster

Mark Zuckerberg said “move fast and break dance,” or something like that. So take him at his word. When walking to meetings, pick up the pace. Show you have important things to do and people to see. And just before you reach the meeting room door, spin on your back and do a quick break dance that gets the office jumping. “Look at that girl go! She is VP material,” said a co-worker, watching a red-haired woman dance outside their budget meeting.

Budget Your Cash

Your 20s are great, but 30 will be here before you know it. You’ve got to start saving like you mean it. And I mean start saving everything. Money, car wash coins, scraps of cloth, hairpins, old baseball cards. When the 20s gravy train ends, and you are cold, alone and tired at the age of 30, you’ll have stuff you can use to survive. Somehow. “I’m going to make a boiling pot out of this oil can I used to use for my BMW,” one 30-year-old said.

Meditate

Meditation will keep you centered in the craziness of your 20s life. Think of it as a mini vacation for your mind, keeping you calm and ready for the challenges you face. “When I meditate, I like to imagine I am at business conferences. That way I can deduct the meditation off my taxes,” said an up-and-coming 20-year-old.

Why Women are Hot All the Time | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Are you a woman?

If so, have you found yourself bundling up at work because the air conditioning is too damn cold all the time?

I know you have — I had an assistant one time that no matter the time of the year, and it was in Southern California, she thought it was so dang cold in her office she had on three sweaters, two parkas, two stocking caps, big thick gloves and mukluks.

I’m not talking about the mukluks you go down to Nordstrom and buy. I’m talking about real Inuit mukluks worn north of the Arctic Circle. She was cold all…the…time.

There’s good news ladies if this describes you: It’s not your fault.

Today’s air conditioning systems were developed in the 1960s with a formula that estimated the average office worker was a 154-pound 40-year old man!

Yes, the existing air conditioning systems we have today were developed in the 1960s for the average worker, which at the time was a 40-year-old 154-pound man.

When I first read this, I thought what 40-year old man weighs 150 pounds?

I had to check it out, and what I found, and I’m sure there’s different sources, but what I found is that the average 40 year old man today weighs 180 pounds.

And seeing as I’m 200 plus pounds with an emphasis on the plus, I can’t even believe the average 40-year-old weights 180 pounds.

Nonetheless, the air conditioning systems were developed for the average man, and yet men prefer cooler environments — women like rooms at around 77 degrees, women prefer warmer rooms, while men like it around 71 degrees, according to experts.

So not only do they in general want things warmer, the air conditioning systems were developed for a 40-year-old man years ago.

No wonder you’re cold!

No wonder my assistant was bundled up like an Eskimo in the middle of the Arctic Circle!

Some of the newer buildings are changing this, but how many people really work in a brand-new building, or work for an enlightened building owner that has updated their systems to accommodate new thinking and new information. Very few, very few. Where do you find building owners that have adapted their buildings to new green energy guidelines? I can’t think of five building in LA.

Maybe there’s more, but you’ll know because the ones that have met the government requirements to be designated as a green energy building, or and I forget the designation — something like IEEE, I mean they will tell you! They put it everywhere. They’ll put it right out front: “We have made the changes in our construction in our building to meet solar and green energy requirements!”

But that’s rare.

Most of us are working in buildings that were built during the time that these air conditioning variables were programmed into the air conditioning systems, and although those systems are probably updated along the way, I don’t think they change the general settings.

As a result, many women around the office today have got on enough warm weather gear to survive subzero temperatures in Siberia.

They can leave their office and enter into a outside temperature of 40-below, get on the back of a sled-dog team and mush those dogs across 1,700 miles of Arctic weather without needing to add add any additional warm weather gear.

I know you’ve seen that woman in the office. Maybe you have you been that woman. Maybe you are that woman.

Well, I say you use this information. Take it to the people that have the power to make changes and say. “Look, this is sexism. You guys are working with temperature guidelines that were set in the 1960s for a man, and now more than half the working population are women, and we have to suffer through your natural inclination to prefer cooler environments. But we are the majority, and we do most of the work around here, and therefore turn the damn turn it turn the damn thermostat up! And if you don’t like it, get a fan and put it in your office, and cool down your own personal space, and quit bugging us because we can’t get work done. Because our fingers are frozen, crippled and curled — stuck in a frozen position. I can barely hit the keys on my keyboard because my fingers are curled like I’m trying to pick up something off the ground like a rock.”

“Do you have the Velcro with the DEEP HOOKS?”

The office supply store staff was unusually upbeat for a weekday morning, just a few minutes after store opening. I sensed a “visit from corporate” was under way. Everyone on the floor was scurrying about.

My instincts were right. I saw a man in a three-piece suit patrolling the area between the service desk and the computer printers. As I came into his line of sight, he stepped toward me.

“Good morning, sir,” he said extra loud and assertively. “Can I help you find anything?” As he spoke, I could see him surveying the staff to see if they were watching him.

“Do you have any of those Velcro loop strips? Like for bundling cable? The heavy duty kind – with the deep hooks.”

“Yes, sir! Right this way!” he shouted.

I followed as he strutted between the aisles toward the back of the store.

He made a grand gesture to the office supplies wall. “Right here, sir! Is there anything else I can help you with?” he asked, looking around to see if there were any employees in the area who could learn from his skills.

“Cool, uh no, this is good. Let me look over what you have here. Thanks.”

He was gone in a flash, and I turned to the Velcro products on offer.

For months, I have been looking for more heavy duty Velcro loops. I had about 15 of them, and used them all the time. They gripped like iron, and I used them everywhere. It’s like having Duct tape you can use over and over again.

But I couldn’t find the super-gripping, extra-sticky, heavy-duty kind anywhere.

And I didn’t see any in the office supply section, either. Sure, they had Velcro loops, with a tapered end on one side and a hole in the other end, but they were “normal” Velcro.

I walked back toward the exit on my way out.

The manager saw me and talk-shouted, “Did you find them??!!”

“Oh, thanks, yeah, I saw the loop things. I was looking for the heavy-duty kind.”

“Those ARE the heavy-duty kind, sir,” he said with some exasperation.

“Right, I hear ya, I mean the REALLY heavy-duty kind. With the deep hooks.”

“Sir, are you sure you found the RIGHT ONES?” he said, like I was shirking my job.

Was he going to give me a 30-day warning?

“Yes, the product you have SAYS ‘Heavy Duty’ on the package, but those are really ‘Light Duty.’”

“Sir, I KNOW the products!” He was starting to turn red.

“Well, I consider myself an expert on Velcro,” I said laughing. “I’m the Velcro king of California!”

He didn’t smile. Not a grin.

“I want the kind with the really DEEP HOOKS. The kind that can lift a bowling ball off the ground,” I said. “the good stuff – the kind that, had Michael Corleone had access to it, he would have attached the gun to the back of the toilet in the bathroom with it — you know, when he takes out Sollozzo and McCluskey. Velcro so strong that when you pull them apart, you really have to tug, and they make a tearing sound like, ‘Kkkkkkkkkkkkkkqqqqqq.’ The brand you have a has a soft, muffled noise that sounds like, “fffffffffftttt.’”

His face got flush and he paced faster, adding a slight stomp to each foot step that echoed in the empty store.

“You know what I mean?”

He didn’t answer, turning to walk away, saying over his shoulder, “Sir, thank you for shopping at our store.”

I wonder if I am on probation?