At the races

Sometimes the simplest solution is the best one

Some bank robbers in Guadalajara moved up the walkway to the bank entrance, preparing to make a quick score and a nice payday.

In some parts of the world such as this, bank robberies are a constant threat. Banks spends millions to get the latest security equipment, cameras and software.

Bank workers are constantly trained on the latest techniques and procedures to try to thwart the bad guys.

One worker called upon this training when he saw the trio of would-be thieves walking toward the front entrance. What did he do?

He locked the front door.

That’s it.

He locked the door and they walked away.

A tip of the bank visor to this guy — here’s to simple solutions.

And quick thinking.

At the races

What the Hell is This BS?

I try to go to the grocery store late at night. But this time, it couldn’t be helped. So there I was at a busy grocery south of OSU right around 6pm. It was packed.

I prefer the self-checkout line. It’s usually faster. But the line was seriously backed up and starting to snake around behind the regular lanes.

An older guy in a yellow suit two people behind me had enough. He started yelling at the top of his lungs, dropping F-bombs like a WWII B-52 carpet-bombing factories.

“What the hell is this bull****??!!” he yelled. (I invite you to drop the F-bombs in there where you like. Wherever you decide to put them will be right because it was every other word.)

Now, it’s not unusual to have crazy characters yelling around this store. They congregate here.

But, this guy was off the charts.

At first, people pulled back, not knowing what he might do next. Is he insane?

He kept yelling, telling the employees what they were doing wrong, dumbfounded they had let the line get so long and that no one seemed to care.

He continued barking orders and yelling at employees as if he owned the joint.

And it was working. He was so angry and emphatic, so loud and profane, the young workers started running around to escape his wrath.

Suddenly the entire store was humming with efficiency. New cashiers appeared out of thin air to open previously closed lanes.

The lines started moving. Bags filled with groceries, machines jangled and beeped, and customers rushed out to their cars, just happy to be out of the chaos. The logjam began to loosen up.

The f***s kept coming, flying through the air before pounding the ground like thousands of hailstones bouncing off a country road during a summer storm in Texas.

He turned to me. “See, they were just being f-bomb lazy!”

“Well, your method is working. Are you in the grocery business?”

“Nah, I’m a chef.”

Something tells me he has things under control in the kitchen.

At the races

County Tells Florida Man To Keep BBQ Smoke From Drifting into Neighbor’s Yard

County officials in Florida ordered a man to keep the smell of barbecue from leaving his property.

When a neighbor lady first complained, the police came out and sided with the barbecue man.

Let’s hear it for the police in Florida!

But the lady complained 15 more times until he was cited by county officials.

See, she felt the barbecue smell was a nuisance and would diminish her home value.

Bring down her home value?

The smell of barbecue will RAISE your home value.

The smell of good BBQ should be in every real estate ad:

“Charming starter home in up and coming area. Hardwood floors, lots of light from newer windows. Big kitchen and pantry. Enjoy summer nights in fenced-in yard while neighbor prepares Texas Pulled Pork and Memphis-Style Hickory Smoked Beef and Pork Ribs.”

“Three-bedroom colonial with grand entranceway. Great schools. Fully renovated kitchen and baths. Whole family will enjoy smell of neighbor slow cooking Mexican Street Corn with Lime Coconut drizzled on top, Cajun Deviled Eggs and Baked Sweet Potato Fries with Spicy Apricot dipping sauce.”

“This is the one! French Eclectic home designed by famed architects Upper and Crust in the gated community of Nose-in-the-Air. Elegant curving staircase winds above hardwood floors. Private back deck enhanced with the aroma of neighbor cooking Bacon Bourbon Barbecue Chicken Kebabs and Spice-Rubbed, Texas-Style Brisket on Texas Toast.”

They should use barbecue on the House Hunter’s TV show where prospective home buying couples look at three different homes and choose one.

“Welcome back to House Hunters. Felipe and Jill have a growing family and want to move out of their cramped apartment into their first home.

“The first house they looked at, Felipe liked the artisan tiles in the living room, while Jill liked the smell of Grilled Vegetable Kebabs Rubbed with Chile coming over from the neighbor’s yard.

“The second house, Jill liked the big back yard where the kids could play, and Felipe enjoyed the aroma of the neighbor cooking South of the Border Mac & Cheese, Sweet Vinegar Slaw, and Malty Maple Cornbread dripping in butter.

“But, at the end of the day, they decided on the third house. It was a little outside their budget, but Jill fell in love with the grand entranceway, Felipe loved the exposed concrete floors in the out-building he plans to turn into a workshop and they both loved the smells coming over the fence — Grilled Jalapeño Corn on the Cob, Honest Irving’s Root Beer Baked Beans, Stuffed Zucchini, Squash and Corn Casserole, and Praise the Lord Potato Salad.”

Home prices go down?

BBQ smells make your home value go UP.

At the races

Dog in the CVS Pharmacy

The dog stopped to sniff every item on the bottom shelves as we walked along the aisle at CVS Pharmacy. An man was talking on his cell phone as we neared.

“Wait a minute, honey,” he said into the phone. “THERE IS A DOG IN THE CVS!”

Several people looked over.

“YES, SOME GUY HAS A DOG IN THE CVS!” again he spoke into the phone with in a loud voice just short of yelling.

“HI DOGGIE!” he said to the dog.

“YES, HONEY, THE DOG IS INSIDE THE STORE! NO, ON THE INSIDE!”

He didn’t seem mad, just REALLY SURPRISED to see a dog in the pharmacy and HAD TO TELL HONEY so everyone inside a one block radius could hear.

I have no ending to this slice of life.

(Dogs are allowed in the store lol.)

At the races

Crazy People at the Gym: The Conversationalists

The Conversationalists are usually two women or men who sit around on the equipment like it is a grouping of living room furniture. Rarely do they lift any weights or use the machines. Most of the time, they sit and talk about everything under the sun except the task at hand. Going to the gym is more of a social occasion than a fitness goal. The gym should go ahead and put a lounge area in the workout rooms to make it easier for The Conversationalists to relax.

At the races

Coolest names in 2017 Stanley Cup Finals – Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Nashville Predators

Coolest names in 2017 Stanley Cup Finals – Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Nashville Predators

Penguins

Olli Maata
Evgeni Malkin

Predators

Pekka Rinne
Filip Forsberg
Roman Josi
PK Subban
Colton Sissons
Calle Jarnkrok
Vernon Fiddler
Miikka Salomaki
Juuse Saros
PA Parenteau

Winner: Predators

At the races

Sudden Interruption

At the park, the dog was in the middle of his duty when I dropped the leash handle. The button wasn’t locked, and the reel quickly pulled in the lead. The plastic handle bounced along the ground before smacking him in the left leg, sending him scurrying. I apologized, but the look in his eye said he didn’t believe me. Later, he finished the job, keeping me in sight the whole time.

At the races

Crazy People at the Gym: Mr. and Mrs. Super-Fit-Excess-Sweaters

Now that my various hospital stays have subsided — at least for now — I decided to join a gym. My goal is to lose the weight I gained while healing, and hopefully some more.

My gym has three long rows of elliptical machines, stair-steppers, and treadmills facing a bank of TVs on the wall. As is my habit, just like in 4th grade, I take the back row and begin observing people.

One married couple is entertaining because they work out together. They are young 30s-ish, in great shape, the kind of couple that probably met at the gym, married, had 2.5 kids and still work out together. The problem is, they are rarely apart. The hit the weight machines together, run the treadmills right next to each other, smiling at each other the whole time.

And God knows they are fit. I watched as they both ran at double my lethargic speed, like gazelles on the Serengeti, moving effortlessly. I barely work up a sweat, but it pours off their body from the hard effort they put in. The treadmills spin and churn under their fast feet, while mine moans along with my tired stride.

I try to distract myself from their physical superiority by immersing myself in the Jerry Springer show on one of the TVs. There seems to be a serious fight among the guests, and two women have pulled each other’s wigs off during a round of fisticuffs. Ten minutes later, I spy the fit couple still running at high speed. Their bodies are taught, muscles driving, sweat pouring. A lot of sweat. Their treadmills and the surrounding treadmills look like they were hosed down by the fire department.

I look again at the TV bank and settle on a show featuring a couple trying to decide from among three different houses. The first house has an exceptional wine cellar, the second has a great yard but lousy basement, and the third is historic and charming, but oh, my, it will take months to renovate the kitchen. What will they decide? They make an offer on the charming one, and I know they will soon be on another show called “Renovation Projects We Regret.”

Fit couple is sweating more than ever, the sweat rivers flowing off them, creating a small pond near their machines. Seven minutes later, the pond has become a lake. I see families of geese and ducks moving across the water, occasionally diving for fish.

As the home shopping show ends, the water has risen. My ankles are covered, but I keep walking. Some gym-goers have climbed up on the rails of their machines as the water moves ever higher. I look up to see a police helicopter flying low beneath the closing gap between ceiling and water level. A rumor spreads the police are looking for a family that tried to swim to the exit for safety, only to find they couldn’t open the door from the inside.

The water is up to my chest now. I wonder if I will get electrocuted. Fit couple keeps running, sweating, and smiling. They are holding hands now, looking into each other’s eyes across the treadmill divide. A small fishing boat pulls behind me, a man standing on the bow of the boat, casting into the area near the ab machines. I see a group of teenagers speed by in a water-ski boat near the from windows, two of them skimming the water behind taught ski lines. s

Finally, fit couple wind down their workout, their ocean of sweat filling the gym. You are supposed to wipe down a machine after using it, but I don’t think they will be able. The machines are seven or eight feet below the surface now. Might as well drain the place, hose it down with rubbing alcohol and set it on fire.

At the races

Crazy People at the Gym: Mr. My-Headphones-Are-Bigger-Than-My-Head

Like many people at the gym, Mr. My-Headphones-Are-Bigger-Than-My-Head is into listening to music while working out. To get the best sound, he uses only the best headphones possible. And to duplicate the live concert experience, he likes to use giant headphones that spread out from his head like moons on a planet that never escaped gravity enough to go fully into their own orbit.