3 Vital Friends You Need to Survive in the Modern World

Sure, you rely on your wits and cunning to succeed and prosper. But you can’t go it alone and survive long term. Here are three key friends you should have on your team.

The Sarge

The Sarge will come and get you out of prison in a foreign country, even if it is a dangerous place like Canada. In real life, the Sarge is over-caffeinated, over-testoneroned and over-the-top. But when you néed someone to find you in a desolate area and spirit you back to the land of Double Cheeseburgers and Kardashians, this is your guy. When they get the call, they will be out the door with a Bowie Knife, rubbing alcohol, and two cyanide pills (just in case).

The Fixer

Got into trouble with the IRS because you deducted your bicycle as an investment? Made a bad decision and now somebody’s spouse wants you gone? The Fixer knows how to take care of it. Tell them the situation and within 24 hours you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

The Rolodex

Need to get a reservation at that hot new restaurant, but can’t get anyone on the phone? Did a major tech company cut you off because you posted a naked picture on the beach in Obiza, and now you are going through social media withdrawals? The Rolodex is connected to every CEO, busbuy, taxi driver, top attorney and film director in town. Everybody. Just don’t abuse the contact. Don’t ask for them to get your kid into a great college if they spent the whole time in high school smoking in their Camaro and selling stolen tests out of the trunk.

3 Fun Facts About Thanksgiving

Thomas Jefferson Was Not Down With Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was a year-to-year holiday in the early years, and Thomas Jefferson refused to keep it going, calling it “dumber than reality TV.” Jefferson was a staunch advocate of the separation of church and state, which he said benefited society, religious freedom and his own “Turkey Day Church.”

Lincoln Makes It a National Holiday

President Lincoln finally stepped up and made Thanksgiving an official  national holiday in 1863. He marked the occasion with this speech:

“Four score ago two turkeys walked into a small town. Only one emerged. Let’s eat.”

Macy’s Christmas Parade

The Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade used to be called the Macy’s Christmas Parade, changing to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade in 1927. It was renamed in 2017 to the Amazon Prime One-Click Order Button Thanksgiving Day Parade.

 

 

 

3 Alarm Clocks for Heavy Sleepers

Is there a heavy sleeper in your house? Maybe your partner, child, or relative is the one who sleeps like a log in the forest. If there is a heavy sleeper in your house who you can’t wake up in time for school or work, here are three alarm clocks that will get them up-and-at-’em.

Blanket Drag

The blanket toss requires some strength, but is very effective. Drag the blanket with the person still on it to the nearest Starbucks. Have everyone in the store yell the heavy sleeper’s name at the same time. “Wake up, Brenda! Wake up!”

A Thousand Tickles

Take 1000 feathers and tickle them while saying, “Are you getting up, now? Huh? Are you?” as they convulse in tickle panic and laugh so hard they throw up.

Helicopter Drop

Cut a hole in the roof of you house beforehand. The next time they won’t wake, lower a rope from a helicopter through the roof. Lift their entire bed and float it out over the nearest ocean, lake or deep river. Drop the bed in the water and watch the fun. Who’s awake now?

3 Amazing Things You Can Buy At Costco

Costco seems to have everything, or at least everything you need that comes in a box the size of your car. But you may not know about these 3 items you can buy at Costco today.

Bacon Laundry Detergent

Why go the whole day withouth the sweet, tasty smell of bacon? With Bacon Laundry Detergent, your cravings are satisfied all day.

Jukebox Coffins

Did you know Costco sells coffins. True dat. And now you can get a coffin with a built-in jukebox so your you can listen to your favorite tunes in the afterlife.

Theme Park Vacations

Yes, you can book a theme park vacation at Costco. Not just Disneyland or Universal Orlando. Try out the Flashlight Battery Museum, The Morrissey Wailing Music Festival or the Office Supplies Parade which takes place every April 15 in Stuck Staple, RI.

5 Things You Peak At After Age 50

Some people think their 50th birthday is the beginning of the end. Not so. In fact, here are five things you peak at after turning 50.

Complain

Maybe you were a pretty good complainer in your 20s, 30s and 40s. Wait until you get into your 50s. You’ll complain that it’s too hot, too cold, too dry, too damp; you are bored, hurried, tired, exhausted, sick; everyone else is crazy, batty, dumb or an idiot.

Grab Lower Back

The back goes in your 50s. Bending down to get that spoon out of the garbage disposal? Reaching to tie your shoes? There goes the back. Better grab it with both hands, elbows out, tense your face up and look up at the sky.

Spy on the Neighbors

Remember when you could care less what the neighbors do? Hey, if they want to play naked Twister and smoke old playing cards, who are you to say no. Once you turn 50, you will spend most of your day standing to the side of the window where they can’t see you. From here, you have a great view of their whole house and yard. What are they up to over there?

Hassle Your Children

Sure, they are grown, married and have kids of their own now. But you know deep down they can’t get by in life without your expert and loving guidance and support. Make sure to call five times day.

Drive Slow

Why doesn’t anybody drive in this lane over on the left? Since they won’t, you’ll move over there, slow down and stay there. Now this is living.

3 Crazy Drivers on the Highway

The highway is made to get you from one place to another hassle-free without the slowdown of traffic lights, garbage trucks, and slow, slow, slow city buses. For the most part, it works. Except there is a special breed of crazy person on the highway you’ll find nowhere else.

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy rolls up on your bumper because he is in a HUGE hurry. To avoid him driving through your rear window, you move over. He zooms past, only to realize he is missing his exit, cuts back across IN FRONT of you, nearly wrecking both your cars.

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off turns on her turn signal to exit the freeway. Except she’s not sure where the exit is. So, she turns the signal on, changes her mind when no exit shows up for a mile, turns it off, and so on. This goes on for ten miles.

Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver

The carpool lane, sometimes called an HOV lane, is set aside for people with two or more passengers. Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver takes that as an invitation to slow down to 10 miles-per-hour below he speed limit, backing up cars in the lane for 45 miles.

3 Fun Facts About the New York Giants

The New York Giants started in 1925 when they and four other teams joined the young National Football League. The Giants are the only surviving team of those five. The four teams that fell by the wayside over the years include the Los Angeles Phonies, the Chicago Coldbones, the Houston Humidities, and the Des Moines Corn Detasslers.

Baseball’s San Francisco Giants were in New York when the New York Giants football team adopted the same moniker. Again, I ask: why do teams take on the names of other sports franchises that already use that name. It’s happened a bunch of times. So, the Giants called their corporation the “New York Football Giants” to distinguish from themselves from the baseball team. What, there were NO OTHER team names available on the entire earth? How about a name like the New York City-That-Never-Sleeps-Because-It-Has-Downed-148-Cups-of-Coffee-And-Smoked-4-Packs-of-Cigarettes. That’s a team I can cheer for.

The Giants have a long-standing rivalry with the Philadelphia Eagles. Apparently, it started in 1933, but has manifested itself many times since, including a brutal hit in the 1960s from the Eagle’s Chuck “Concrete Charlie” Bednarik on the Giants Frank Gifford that sidelined him for 18 months. Years later, Bednarik denied requests to do the same to the person who taught Franks’s wife, Kathie Lee Gifford, how to sing.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

You and I Have A Lot In Common

“Hey, LinkedIn tells me you and I have a lot in common,” said a new contact’s first LinkedIn message. “Real estate and squash!”

I’ve never shown interest in or purchased any real estate ever, and I’ve never played squash.

They might have well have said, “Hey, we have a shared interest in bridge building and pole vaulting.”

A few days later I received a second message: “Hey, if you don’t mind, I’m really busy, so I’m going to have my assistant take over for me from here.”

Who is this? Take over for what? Is this a new Russian hacking method?

And gee, you are too busy? So why are you wasting my time? Holy buckets.

The next day I received a mysterious text with a blind link, I’m guessing from the same person. The text, like all previous communication, says nothing about what they do, the value they offer or anything of interest to me.

Listen, if this is your idea of how to do social selling, they taught you wrong.

 

 

This 7-Minute Workout Is All You Need for Peak Performance

Pressed for time? Can’t get that workout in?

It’s hard to find time to exercise today with all the things you have to do. Yet you need to exercise to perform at the top of your game.

This 7-Minute workout is all you need to keep fit.

Minute 1 – Wiggle Your Ears

Wiggle your ears as fast as you fan to warm up.

Minute 2 – Blink Your Eyes

Your eyes are the window to the soul. Blink your eyes as rapidly as you can, while wiggling your ears if possible.

Minute 3 – Yodel

Loosen up your core by yodeling vigorously.

Minute 4 – Moonwalk

Now get your legs in the act by moonwalking around the room.

Minute 5 – Raise the Roof

Warm up your hands and arms by doing the raise the roof motion while moonwalking.

Minute 6 – Strength Moves

Now work on strength training by moving the furniture around the room at your spouses’ direction, only to move it back because “it doesn’t look right.”

Minute 7 – Cool Down

Cool down by taking a cold pitcher of Old Style beer and dumping it on your head. You weren’t going to drink that stuff, were you?

5 Ways Hockey Should Be Used in Everyday Life

Hockey is great, but I think we should use parts of hockey in daily life.

Hip Check

Fed up with that annoying co-worker? The next time they come walking towards you, ready to sell you on their latest pyramid/MLM scheme, hip-check them over the cubicle wall.

Penalty Box

Tired of your mother haranguing you about dating that girl with hoop earrings and a tendency to say things like “You get back, Jojo!” Put her in the penalty box you built in your living room. No TV, no phone.

Suspension

Jerk cuts you off on the road? You are allowed to pull them over and take their keys, returnable after 5 days.

Third Man In

The Third Man In rule in hockey provides a game misconduct to any player who jumps into a fight already in progress. In real life, any family member who jumps into the middle a fight between two family members has to sleep in the backyard for one night.

Icing

The icing rule prevents players from shooting the puck the length of the ice. For everyday life, the icing rule penalizes your wife when she “ices” you — not talking or responding to any of your questions about “what’s wrong?”

3 Ways to Be Super Successful in Your 20s

This is it – the prime of your life.

Your body is as fit as it is ever going to be.

No other decade of your life will you be able to stay out all night and put in a full day of half-assed work.

Take advantage of it. Here are 3 ways to become super successful in your 20s.

Move Faster

Mark Zuckerberg said “move fast and break dance,” or something like that. So take him at his word. When walking to meetings, pick up the pace. Show you have important things to do and people to see. And just before you reach the meeting room door, spin on your back and do a quick break dance that gets the office jumping. “Look at that girl go! She is VP material,” said a co-worker, watching a red-haired woman dance outside their budget meeting.

Budget Your Cash

Your 20s are great, but 30 will be here before you know it. You’ve got to start saving like you mean it. And I mean start saving everything. Money, car wash coins, scraps of cloth, hairpins, old baseball cards. When the 20s gravy train ends, and you are cold, alone and tired at the age of 30, you’ll have stuff you can use to survive. Somehow. “I’m going to make a boiling pot out of this oil can I used to use for my BMW,” one 30-year-old said.

Meditate

Meditation will keep you centered in the craziness of your 20s life. Think of it as a mini vacation for your mind, keeping you calm and ready for the challenges you face. “When I meditate, I like to imagine I am at business conferences. That way I can deduct the meditation off my taxes,” said an up-and-coming 20-year-old.

3 More of the Worst Mistakes You Can Make When Flying

Flying is a misadventure most of the time. Still, when you compound the drudgery when you make your own mistakes. I’ve already covered three of the worst mistakes you can make when flying. Here are three more.

Dressing Down

Hey, I know, you are cool. No suit and tie for you. But the thing is, the rest of us must look at you the whole flight every time you stand to go to the restroom eight times because you spent two hours in the airport lounge before the flight. I’m not saying you have to wear evening attire like you are going to the opera, but please ditch the Ohio State Fair ’86 T-Shirt with holes in it and the sweats you usually wear to change the oil in your car.

Booking A Seat on the Aisle

Sure, you want to make a quick getaway, so you booked a seat on the aisle. Or you have claustrophobia issues and don’t want to feel trapped by the window. But neither of those discomforts will match the searing pain you will feel when the beverage cart crashed into your knee, and you spend the next 6 months getting the insurance company to pay for your leg cast and resulting therapy bills.

Expecting Meal Service

Maybe you haven’t flown in a while. The last time you took to the friendly skies, there was always a meal. Welcome to the real world, friend. Today’s airlines MIGHT have a meal, they PROBABLY will have a meal, but there is a good chance the only thing you will be getting is a smiling nod from the flight attendant when you board, and THAT’S IT. So, pack a granola bar or your favorite cookies, because if you don’t, your stomach is going to be grumbling so loud you will be restrained as a possible terrorist threat.

 

 

 

Lost Sailors’ Story Questioned

In the past few days, two Hawaii women were rescued after their sailboat drifted for five months in the Pacific. After being picked up by a US ship and brought to port, the survivors detailed their ordeal: The mast and engine failed, and they began drifting in rough seas off Oahu.

Not long after their rescue, many sailing and naval experts began questioning their story. For instance, they had an Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon on the ship, but it was not turned on. They were also contacted at one point by another US ship and asked if they needed help, but reported they were not in danger.

Further complicating their story, the pair were also sighted at at the Kahala Mall when there were supposedly lost at sea, looking for doggie treats for the two canines they had on board. One dog likes peanut butter and banana biscuits and the other likes bacon-flavored doggie bones. “We’ve had a heck of a time finding these flavors on the Islands,” one of the sailors reportedly stated to a cashier at the Doggie Delectable Delights store in the Mall.

Two weeks later, the sailors were spotted parasailing on Hawaii’s Gold Coast near Diamondhead, a popular tourist area. Both were heard saying at various times, “Woooahhhh! Woaahhh! It’s too high! Bring me down! Bring me down!” The owner of the parasailing service said, “Often people don’t realize parasails can fly as high as 500 ft on a towline of 800 feet, or about the height of a 50 story building. Sometimes they get terrified once they are up there.”

I’ll update this story as more details emerge.