At the races

Dog Stretches Out Body To Smell Area Outside Reach of Leash

A local dog was seen stretching his body to the breaking point to smell a patch of ground just beyond the reach of his leash.

The owner was walking the dog along a neighborhood street, and the dog was seen stopping occasionally to sniff the grass of area lawns.

At the corner of Main St. and Smith Avenue, the dog became particularly interested in a scent near the home on the northwest corner and stepped onto the lawn for further investigation.

At this point, the owner held the dog back with the leash, holding him to about the length of his body from the sidewalk.

The dog insisted on pursuing the scent and dug into the grass with all four paws, straining mightily and stretching out his body like a plank.

In a follow up interview with reporters, the man said he thought the dog might have detected a dead body in the bushes near the home’s porch, as the dog was so emphatic in following the scent.

After what seemed like an eternity, really only about 10 seconds, the dog gave up and the walk continued.

At the races

10 Dumb Jokes Alexa Told Me

Alexa is an amazing device. I get news, music, and podcasts instantly. So why do I spend way too much time asking for it to tell me a joke or make a farting sound? Sounds like a personal problem. Anyhoo, here are some dumb jokes Alexa told me.

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did the square say to the circle?
You are pointless.

What was George Washington’s favorite picnic food?
His Uncle’s Ham.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you might as well barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

A Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They are always plotting something.

What do you call an American Revolutionary who draws cartoons?
Yankee Doodler.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

At the races

Eerily Quiet

You can hear every vehicle.

Dump trucks: “Grrrrrrrrr.”

Motorcycles: “Vroooooom.”

Even bicycles: “Ring ring.”

You can hear vehicle in LA right before it hits you — but you hear it, so you jump out of the way.

EXCEPT THE TOYOTA PRIUS.

This is the sound you will hear before a Toyota Prius it sneaks up behind you and scares the heck out of you.

“………………………………………..”

The Prius is too quiet. Any sound will help.

How about “A-ooga! A-ooga!”

Or…

“Oo-wee-oo! Oo-wee-oo!”

Anything.

Please, Toyota, this car is way too quiet. It’s making me paranoid.

At the races

Superbowl LI – Tom Brady is the GOAT

Well, that seals it.

Tom Brady is the GOAT.

Winning in dramatic fashion once again, Tom Brady and the Patriots beat the Atlanta Falcons 34-28 in a stunning comeback to capture Super Bowl LI yesterday. They were able to erase a 25 point lead with only three minutes left in the third quarter. It is the largest deficit any team has been able to overcome in Super Bowl history.

Oh, and the previous record of 10 points? That was achieved by the Patriots as well when they tied the record in Super Bowl XLIX.

Let’s run down a few of Brady’s achievements for the record:

  • Only quarterback in history to be victorious in five super Bowls.
  • Quarterbacked the Patriots for seven of their appearances in Super Bowls, the most for any NFL player in history.
  • Won four Super Bowl MVP awards, the most by any player.
  • Won the league’s Most Valuable Player award in both 2007 and 2010.
  • Taken the Patriots to more division titles (14) than any other quarterback in the history of the league.
  • Named to the Pro Bowl 12 times.

Not to mention he is third in career passer rating, fourth in career touchdown passes and career passing yards, has won more playoff games than any other pigskin tosser, built a career postseason record of 25 wins and nine losses, and has appeared in more playoff contests than any other player at any position on the field. If that wasn’t enough, his more than 200 regular-season and postseason wins are the most of any player in his position in the history of the NFL.

I think you can safely say that Tom Brady is the GOAT (Greatest of All Time).

So why is he hated so much?

The obvious answer is that people hate winners. Football, and the NFL in particular, is a highly competitive, emotional game. People support their teams to the end of their days.

“US good! THEM bad!”

So when a particular player wins over and over, especially when they come back from a severe point deficit as many times as Brady has, it’s inevitable he will develop haters — simple competitive envy.

It’s painful when your team struggles year after year, only to end up with a losing record every time. Just ask Patriots fans. They sucked for years before they turned it around.

But with Brady and Bill Belichick, it’s more than that. Some people hate them because of their questionable tactics. Deflategate and Spygate stick in the craw.

Everybody like’s a winner, but that shine is lost if you cheated to get there. Like when the DNC conspired against Bernie Sanders to make sure Hillary Clinton got the nomination in the 2016 Presidential election.

You say winners take every advantage they can, and that’s what the Patriots do. You may be right, but the perception that the Patriots bend the rules too much hangs over their legacy.

Either way, you can’t deny Brady’s talent. He’s settled the debate with this Super Bowl win.

Peyton who? Joe who? Aaron who?

Tom Brady is the NFL’s GOAT.

 

At the races

7 Things I Learned My Freshman Year in College

Freshman year in college is a major transition, leaving the cocoon of high school where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day, to the challenges of college where nasty rumors and gossip rule the day. Here are seven things I learned my freshman year.

1. Prepare for eating dining hall food by lining your stomach with three inches of cement.

2. You can meet any college girl you want as long as you agree to carry her books and all her sorority sister’s books as well.

3. To earn money, get a job as a lifeguard at the library. Yes, the library. Set up one of those lifeguard stands in the study area. Blow your whistle every hour and shout, “Who runs the show, now, maggots?”

4. Stay on top of your studying. If you do get behind, stay awake the last two weeks of the quarter, studying around the clock, by filling the school pool with coffee — swim two laps every 5 minutes, swallowing a mouthful of coffee on every third stroke.

5. To keep from getting homesick, put a giant picture of your mom’s meatloaf in the window of your dorm. You always hated that meatloaf.

6. Get out of the dorm! Meet new people! Chess club? Yes, chess club!

7. Stop random students on the quad and say, “Listen, kid, whatever you did, you’ll feel better if you confess!”

At the races

Don’t Do What I Just Told You To Do

I’ve noticed an annoying trend among video makers. Let’s say the title of their video is “Stop Recording Concerts With Your iPhone!” I record lot of things with my phone, so I want to learn about this — I click the video. Then I hear:

“What’s up with everyone recording concerts with their iPhone?? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not THAT GUY at the show that tells you put the phone down. No way! I think you should be able to record every show. I mean, how much were the tickets, right? Record the whole thing if you want! So I’m not saying stop recording concerts with your iPhone. That’s not what I’m saying.”

But that IS what you are saying. It’s right in the title.

Don’t backpedal now, son.

At the races

If You are Lucky, It Won’t Get Stolen

Amazon’ Prime service is terribly convenient. Not only do you get one of the biggest product selections on Earth, they guarantee two day shipping. And they’ll update you with emails and texts about where your product is on the delivery schedule, so you can rest assured it is on the way.

Here are some actual emails I received after I placed an order.

Hello, Joseph, thank you for ordering “Winter Golf Shoes from Mudbeaters.” We’ll let you know when the item ships.

Hey, Joseph, my boy Sam picked your item from our 40 million square foot warehouse.

Hi, Joseph, those cool “Winter Golf Shoes” are on the truck and heading toward your city. What are Winter Golf Shoes, anyway? Why not just wear two pairs of socks?

Hey, Joe, Sandra is your driver. She says the shoes are on the truck and rolling down the highway. Almost to your town, buddy!

Joey, my boy, good news, Sandra got there with no problems even though the front axle was making a “whump-whump” sound. Weird.

OK, Joey, your item is off the truck and is whipping around some conveyors and chutes we have at the distribution center not that far from your place. Booya!

Hey, Jose, we were able to pile your box on top of some other stuff going to your street. It was close, but Geoffrey stepped into the loo at the last minute, and we threw you box in the truck.

Hey, buddy, how are you? Its hectic as heck down here. My dogs are barking! Maybe I should get some Winter Golf Shoes, hear me? Listen, Geoffrey is having a bite, but after that he’ll drop off your shoes before 8pm. Capiche?

Joey, my friend! Geoffrey didn’t see you were home, so he left the package in plain sight on the porch. Hope you get home before it gets nicked!