How to Ghost Your First Job

Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.

Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.

Lunch Anyone

It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.

Hide In Closet

If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.

Fake Your Death

If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.

Most New Businesses Fail — How to Make Sure Your Team Succeeds

Statistics don’t lie.

That’s not right. They lie all the time.

In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.

You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:

The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.

The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.

The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.

The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.

The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.

The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.

Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.

3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

5 Things Top Leaders Do to Gain Respect

Being loved is great and all, but respect gets things done. Here are five things top leaders do to gain respect from their reports.

1. Make Omelettes

Want to get people to follow you. Learn to cook a great vegetable omelette.

2. Use Rowing Machines

No elliptical machines for top leaders! Today’s forward-thinking managers get on an old-school rowing machine to keep fit.

3. Part Hair in Middle

Look around at today’s news stories. Only the top leaders part their hair in the middle, 1920s style.

4. Mumble

To get people to listen to what you have to say, learn to mumble your instructions. They’ll lean in to hear. The more they lean, the more effective you are.

5. Use Nicknames

Ever call someone “Chief” because you can’t remember their name. Top leaders do this as a matter of course. Learn to call your direct managers names like “Buddy” and “Boss.”

5 Things Fantastic Bosses Tell Their Employees Every Day

Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:

1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.

2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)

3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.

4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.

5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.

7 Internet Searches Never to Make On Your Work Computer

You just HAVE to know the answer. But you are at work, so you Google away on your work computer. Of course you know everything is tracked, but you just HAVE to see the results of your search.

I get it. I search for random stuff I’m curious about all the time. Like “Is Morrissey his first or last name?” or “What did the fox REALLY say?”

Well, since you can’t control yourself, just make sure you don’t make a mistake that could cost you the gig. Here are seven internet searches never to make on your work computer.

How to get my boss’ job

How to work with idiots

How to enter my company paid parking garage for free

How to steal food from the office fridge

How to attend office parties for five minutes and make everyone think I was there the whole time

How to silence annoying cubicle mates with an after-lunch gas attack

How to read my phone in meetings without getting caught

Why Women are Hot All the Time | Joe Ditzel Vlog

Are you a woman?

If so, have you found yourself bundling up at work because the air conditioning is too damn cold all the time?

I know you have — I had an assistant one time that no matter the time of the year, and it was in Southern California, she thought it was so dang cold in her office she had on three sweaters, two parkas, two stocking caps, big thick gloves and mukluks.

I’m not talking about the mukluks you go down to Nordstrom and buy. I’m talking about real Inuit mukluks worn north of the Arctic Circle. She was cold all…the…time.

There’s good news ladies if this describes you: It’s not your fault.

Today’s air conditioning systems were developed in the 1960s with a formula that estimated the average office worker was a 154-pound 40-year old man!

Yes, the existing air conditioning systems we have today were developed in the 1960s for the average worker, which at the time was a 40-year-old 154-pound man.

When I first read this, I thought what 40-year old man weighs 150 pounds?

I had to check it out, and what I found, and I’m sure there’s different sources, but what I found is that the average 40 year old man today weighs 180 pounds.

And seeing as I’m 200 plus pounds with an emphasis on the plus, I can’t even believe the average 40-year-old weights 180 pounds.

Nonetheless, the air conditioning systems were developed for the average man, and yet men prefer cooler environments — women like rooms at around 77 degrees, women prefer warmer rooms, while men like it around 71 degrees, according to experts.

So not only do they in general want things warmer, the air conditioning systems were developed for a 40-year-old man years ago.

No wonder you’re cold!

No wonder my assistant was bundled up like an Eskimo in the middle of the Arctic Circle!

Some of the newer buildings are changing this, but how many people really work in a brand-new building, or work for an enlightened building owner that has updated their systems to accommodate new thinking and new information. Very few, very few. Where do you find building owners that have adapted their buildings to new green energy guidelines? I can’t think of five building in LA.

Maybe there’s more, but you’ll know because the ones that have met the government requirements to be designated as a green energy building, or and I forget the designation — something like IEEE, I mean they will tell you! They put it everywhere. They’ll put it right out front: “We have made the changes in our construction in our building to meet solar and green energy requirements!”

But that’s rare.

Most of us are working in buildings that were built during the time that these air conditioning variables were programmed into the air conditioning systems, and although those systems are probably updated along the way, I don’t think they change the general settings.

As a result, many women around the office today have got on enough warm weather gear to survive subzero temperatures in Siberia.

They can leave their office and enter into a outside temperature of 40-below, get on the back of a sled-dog team and mush those dogs across 1,700 miles of Arctic weather without needing to add add any additional warm weather gear.

I know you’ve seen that woman in the office. Maybe you have you been that woman. Maybe you are that woman.

Well, I say you use this information. Take it to the people that have the power to make changes and say. “Look, this is sexism. You guys are working with temperature guidelines that were set in the 1960s for a man, and now more than half the working population are women, and we have to suffer through your natural inclination to prefer cooler environments. But we are the majority, and we do most of the work around here, and therefore turn the damn turn it turn the damn thermostat up! And if you don’t like it, get a fan and put it in your office, and cool down your own personal space, and quit bugging us because we can’t get work done. Because our fingers are frozen, crippled and curled — stuck in a frozen position. I can barely hit the keys on my keyboard because my fingers are curled like I’m trying to pick up something off the ground like a rock.”

Man Sues His Employer Due To Boredom

A man in France sued his company because his job is extremely boring.

I caught up with him outside the Hotel du Bordeuxm in Paris.

“Jacques, you really sued you employer?”

“Of course. I am bored to tears!”

“Well, is it their job to make sure you are not bored? Many people would say their job is basically boring.”

“Yes, they should sue! My employer expects a lot out of me, so I expect a lot out of them. I don’t think it’s too much to get a TV on my desk with free HBO. At least then I wouldn’t be so bored.”

“Game of Thrones?”

“Oui.”

“No Walking Dead?”

“One step at a time, monsieur!”

Mistakes to Avoid At Work If You Are Over 50

1. Taking your shoes off at 230pm, throwing your feet up on your desk, and saying loudly, “Ohhhhh! These dogs are barking!”

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

2. Constantly talking about Joe Namath and the Miracle Jets.

3. In casual conversation with coworkers, avoid confusing EDM artist names like Avicii and Skrillex with Erectile Dysfunction drugs.

4. Parking 1/2 mile away because you are too cheap to pay for monthly parking.

5. Squinting at your computer monitor because you left your trifocals on the nightstand at home.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

6. Staring out the window all morning and wondering where you are going to eat lunch.

7. Trying to be hip by mentioning you went to the AC/DC concert at Wrigley Field over the weekend, forgetting they have no idea who that is.

7 Ways to Thank Your Team For Giving Their All

Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress
Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress

You are the leader.

But you are nothing without your team.

How do you thank them when they do exceptional work?

Here are 7 suggestions.

1. Leave a pizza on their desk chair without the box.

2. Get on the company intercom, thank each person individually and then cry for 30 minutes.

3. Call their parents and tell them how great their kids are doing now that they have left home at 37.

4. Take the team bowling and pick up the shoe rental fee.

One Panel Cartoon - Naked Bowling Night 5035813948
5. Drive them around town in a double-decker bus, showering them with mints and chocolates at every 3rd stop light.

6. Take the worst worker on the team, the curmudgeon who everyone hates, and give him your job for the remainder of the year.

7. Tell the team from now on they get unlimited free rides to and from work on Uber Unicycle.

sports-cycling-Image from page 236 of Cycling art-- 14577911869-unicycle

4 Negative Attitudes of Super Successful People

They say you should think positive, and they are probably right, but sometimes people are wildly successful while maintaining a bad attitude. Here are various top achievers and their negative attitudes.

Sid, Fortune 500 CEO/ Sullen

man-men-guy-national library of wales-fc-Business Bob, Llanrwst 7401446554
Courtesy National Library of Wales

Sid is a CEO who led his company to $100 billion in sales while remaining sullen the whole time. He opens stock report updates by sighing loudly and talking under his breath.

Jane, Brain Surgeon/ Pessimism

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

Jane never thinks she is going to have a successful surgery. Despite her stellar record of success, she regularly tells the other doctors, “this is the day my streak ends.”

Ted, Major League Pitcher/ Suspicious

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Ted has won two World Series and earns millions of dollars. So why does he believe everyone in the locker room is ripping off his stuff?

Betty, Hedge Fund Manager/ Negative Thoughts About Past

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

Betty was responsible for creating a new class of tech hedge funds that have created billions in new revenue for her firm. Yet she spends the ride home mumbling to her driver that she hates her father.

Bad attitudes won’t keep you from getting to the top. You just may not enjoy the rewards as much.

 

7 Things to Stop Doing at Work if You Want to Succeed

If you want to succeed at work, avoid saying these things in your sales meetings.

1. Saying, “Boooorrrrinnnggg!” in the sales meeting.

2. Asking your boss, “How did you get this job?

3. Asking your coworker, “How did you get this job?”

4. Sleeping in the break room.

5. Sending emails to HR saying, “Please turn off the TV and quit hiring idiots!”

6. Calling the CEO of your client and asking, “Why did you hire these dweebs I’m dealing with?”

7. Putting a sign on your door that says, “No more complaining. Save that whining for your dog.”