Hey, now. I’ve been there. You get a sinking feeling on your first day on the job that you’ve just make a horrible mistake. For me, it was a moribund company in a declining industry.
Don’t do what I did — stick it for four years. I suggest you ghost on the first day. That’s right — quit, but don’t tell anyone. Here are some tips.
It’s common for teams to take new employees to lunch on their first day. DON’T ride with other employees. Take your own car, and never go back to the office.
Hide In Closet
If you can’t get out of the office to make your escape, hide in a closet until everybody has left. They’ll think you died and will hire a new person for your position by the end of the next business day.
Fake Your Death
If that doesn’t work, go ahead and fake your death. Make up a dummy from the garbage in the trash can in your cubicle. Singe the left hand of the dummy with a lighter, then stick one of the fingers (not yours!) in an electrical outlet. Again, they’ll assume you were electrocuted and will call the next candidate to come back for another interview.
In this case, however, it is true most new businesses fail within five years. One of the keys to making sure your firm succeeds is building the right team.
You can’t get there if you don’t have the right people. Hire for aptitude and then find the right slot for them. Base your key positions on a typical heist movie. You’ll need:
The Brains – lays out the whole operation. This may or may not be you.
The Brawn – call that guy with no neck you knew when you did a little stretch upstate for something you can’t talk about.
The Tech Nerd – this is the girl that will keep you on the cutting edge of technology, and show up ever day with a new tattoo.
The Love Interest – yes, your significant other plays a major role in your success. Don’t have an SO? Tinder is your friend.
The Wheelman – you need a genius behind the wheel, somebody that can get you out of a tight situation when chaos ensues, which it will. In other words, you need a great driver to pick up sandwiches, coffee and those little airplane bottles of vodka.
The Money – you don’t see her often, but this wealthy investor is keeping you afloat. Most days you’ll feel she is just toying with your little ship. You are right.
Get these positions right, and your company will do better than you ever expected.
Great bosses motivate their workers effortlessly. While natural charisma is part of it, the real secret is they use these magic phrases to keep their employees engaged and pumped up. You should give them a try today:
1. “Free donuts when we make our goal.” Money talks, but free donuts make your people run hard for the finish line.
2. “You are the next Bill Gates.” Empty flattery will inflate their ego and keep them shining. (Substitute the appropriate business icon or personality for your industry or niche.)
3. “Wow, you come up with the greatest ideas.” Sure, most of their ideas are dreck (coffee cups made of spam!), but you need employees to keep spouting them off to find the gems.
4. “You have ‘great leader’ written all over you.” In every great worker lies a potential great manager. So good they could take your job. Keep them satisfied they COULD be a great leader by telling them they already are. Job saved.
5. “Your honesty is refreshing.” Sure, you got to where you are with doublespeak and a worn copy of “The 48 Laws of Power and Dry Cleaning Tips.” But encourage honesty in your troops by praising it. That way you’ll get the dirt on employees out to get you.
If so, have you found yourself bundling up at work because the air conditioning is too damn cold all the time?
I know you have — I had an assistant one time that no matter the time of the year, and it was in Southern California, she thought it was so dang cold in her office she had on three sweaters, two parkas, two stocking caps, big thick gloves and mukluks.
I’m not talking about the mukluks you go down to Nordstrom and buy. I’m talking about real Inuit mukluks worn north of the Arctic Circle. She was cold all…the…time.
There’s good news ladies if this describes you: It’s not your fault.
Today’s air conditioning systems were developed in the 1960s with a formula that estimated the average office worker was a 154-pound 40-year old man!
Yes, the existing air conditioning systems we have today were developed in the 1960s for the average worker, which at the time was a 40-year-old 154-pound man.
When I first read this, I thought what 40-year old man weighs 150 pounds?
I had to check it out, and what I found, and I’m sure there’s different sources, but what I found is that the average 40 year old man today weighs 180 pounds.
And seeing as I’m 200 plus pounds with an emphasis on the plus, I can’t even believe the average 40-year-old weights 180 pounds.
Nonetheless, the air conditioning systems were developed for the average man, and yet men prefer cooler environments — women like rooms at around 77 degrees, women prefer warmer rooms, while men like it around 71 degrees, according to experts.
So not only do they in general want things warmer, the air conditioning systems were developed for a 40-year-old man years ago.
No wonder you’re cold!
No wonder my assistant was bundled up like an Eskimo in the middle of the Arctic Circle!
Some of the newer buildings are changing this, but how many people really work in a brand-new building, or work for an enlightened building owner that has updated their systems to accommodate new thinking and new information. Very few, very few. Where do you find building owners that have adapted their buildings to new green energy guidelines? I can’t think of five building in LA.
Maybe there’s more, but you’ll know because the ones that have met the government requirements to be designated as a green energy building, or and I forget the designation — something like IEEE, I mean they will tell you! They put it everywhere. They’ll put it right out front: “We have made the changes in our construction in our building to meet solar and green energy requirements!”
But that’s rare.
Most of us are working in buildings that were built during the time that these air conditioning variables were programmed into the air conditioning systems, and although those systems are probably updated along the way, I don’t think they change the general settings.
As a result, many women around the office today have got on enough warm weather gear to survive subzero temperatures in Siberia.
They can leave their office and enter into a outside temperature of 40-below, get on the back of a sled-dog team and mush those dogs across 1,700 miles of Arctic weather without needing to add add any additional warm weather gear.
I know you’ve seen that woman in the office. Maybe you have you been that woman. Maybe you are that woman.
Well, I say you use this information. Take it to the people that have the power to make changes and say. “Look, this is sexism. You guys are working with temperature guidelines that were set in the 1960s for a man, and now more than half the working population are women, and we have to suffer through your natural inclination to prefer cooler environments. But we are the majority, and we do most of the work around here, and therefore turn the damn turn it turn the damn thermostat up! And if you don’t like it, get a fan and put it in your office, and cool down your own personal space, and quit bugging us because we can’t get work done. Because our fingers are frozen, crippled and curled — stuck in a frozen position. I can barely hit the keys on my keyboard because my fingers are curled like I’m trying to pick up something off the ground like a rock.”
They say you should think positive, and they are probably right, but sometimes people are wildly successful while maintaining a bad attitude. Here are various top achievers and their negative attitudes.
Sid, Fortune 500 CEO/ Sullen
Sid is a CEO who led his company to $100 billion in sales while remaining sullen the whole time. He opens stock report updates by sighing loudly and talking under his breath.
Jane, Brain Surgeon/ Pessimism
Jane never thinks she is going to have a successful surgery. Despite her stellar record of success, she regularly tells the other doctors, “this is the day my streak ends.”
Ted, Major League Pitcher/ Suspicious
Ted has won two World Series and earns millions of dollars. So why does he believe everyone in the locker room is ripping off his stuff?
Betty, Hedge Fund Manager/ Negative Thoughts About Past
Betty was responsible for creating a new class of tech hedge funds that have created billions in new revenue for her firm. Yet she spends the ride home mumbling to her driver that she hates her father.
Bad attitudes won’t keep you from getting to the top. You just may not enjoy the rewards as much.