7 Ways to Thank Your Team For Giving Their All

Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress
Courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress

You are the leader.

But you are nothing without your team.

How do you thank them when they do exceptional work?

Here are 7 suggestions.

1. Leave a pizza on their desk chair without the box.

2. Get on the company intercom, thank each person individually and then cry for 30 minutes.

3. Call their parents and tell them how great their kids are doing now that they have left home at 37.

4. Take the team bowling and pick up the shoe rental fee.

One Panel Cartoon - Naked Bowling Night 5035813948
5. Drive them around town in a double-decker bus, showering them with mints and chocolates at every 3rd stop light.

6. Take the worst worker on the team, the curmudgeon who everyone hates, and give him your job for the remainder of the year.

7. Tell the team from now on they get unlimited free rides to and from work on Uber Unicycle.

sports-cycling-Image from page 236 of Cycling art-- 14577911869-unicycle

4 Negative Attitudes of Super Successful People

They say you should think positive, and they are probably right, but sometimes people are wildly successful while maintaining a bad attitude. Here are various top achievers and their negative attitudes.

Sid, Fortune 500 CEO/ Sullen

man-men-guy-national library of wales-fc-Business Bob, Llanrwst 7401446554
Courtesy National Library of Wales

Sid is a CEO who led his company to $100 billion in sales while remaining sullen the whole time. He opens stock report updates by sighing loudly and talking under his breath.

Jane, Brain Surgeon/ Pessimism

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

Jane never thinks she is going to have a successful surgery. Despite her stellar record of success, she regularly tells the other doctors, “this is the day my streak ends.”

Ted, Major League Pitcher/ Suspicious

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Ted has won two World Series and earns millions of dollars. So why does he believe everyone in the locker room is ripping off his stuff?

Betty, Hedge Fund Manager/ Negative Thoughts About Past

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

Betty was responsible for creating a new class of tech hedge funds that have created billions in new revenue for her firm. Yet she spends the ride home mumbling to her driver that she hates her father.

Bad attitudes won’t keep you from getting to the top. You just may not enjoy the rewards as much.

 

7 Things to Stop Doing at Work if You Want to Succeed

If you want to succeed at work, avoid saying these things in your sales meetings.

1. Saying, “Boooorrrrinnnggg!” in the sales meeting.

2. Asking your boss, “How did you get this job?

3. Asking your coworker, “How did you get this job?”

4. Sleeping in the break room.

5. Sending emails to HR saying, “Please turn off the TV and quit hiring idiots!”

6. Calling the CEO of your client and asking, “Why did you hire these dweebs I’m dealing with?”

7. Putting a sign on your door that says, “No more complaining. Save that whining for your dog.”

7 Things To Do During A Slow Day At Work

Courtesy SMU Central University Libraries via Flickr Commons
Courtesy SMU Central University Libraries via Flickr Commons

Got a slow day at work? Here are seven ways to get through the day:

  1. Stand outside your boss’ office, and every time she enters say, “Ticket please!”
  2. Ask your coworker why they smell like saddle leather.
  3. Loudly retell your most boring golf stories.
  4. Shoot an email to the entire floor that it is Betty’s birthday and cake will be served in the lunch room. When they find there is no cake, and no one named Betty works there, shower them with used staples.
  5. Ask your HR director if they do anything, and I mean anything, at all.
  6. Drive your car right into the office to your cubicle, and begin to work while still in the car.
  7. Gaze off into space and say, “What wrong turn did I take in my career that I ended up here with you losers?”

 

Lifestyle Corporations Offer New Way to Work

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

The fight for good talent in today’s world is unprecedented. Corporations are trying new ideas to retain workers. “Lifestyle companies” are on the rise. More than just being “a cool place to work,” these companies offer a healthier, more positive lifestyle than traditional companies.

Features include:

  • Weekly bunny hops including vintage DJs and car theft demonstrations.
  • Open bar in every hallway.
  • Morning positivity chants like:

Owwwwwwwwwww, yeah!
We are the best
We are better than the rest
Owwwwwwwwwww, yeah!

  • Child care for children up to the age of 19
  • Spouse excuse office. Sends official excuses to spouses when an employee was caught cheating or golfing during the day.
  • Coffee. Lots of free coffee.

 

5 Signs Your Boss Hates You

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

 

Everybody talks about hating their boss. It makes sense because most of them are incompetent.

It goes both ways, though. Your boss could hate you. Here is how to tell.

1. They ask you to get bagels for the team, and then move the company to a new location while you are gone.

2. They ask your opinion on important issues, squeezing a clown horn loudly each time you answer.

3. They set you up with their sister from Lithuania who weaves goat hair into hammocks.

4. They ask for a report 10 minutes before it is due and then tell everyone on the conference call you were late due to your issues with authority.

5. Your desk has been moved to the employee lunch room.

5 Ways to Get Your Crazy Self Fired

I’ve been shown the door and told not to come back before — I know what it takes to get tossed from gainful employment. Use these ideas and you, too, can be driving home with all your junk in the car in no time.

Wearing Jester Caps

If you insist on juggling and wearing Jester caps while your co-workers look away in shame, you are on your way out.

Not Getting Along

You cannot say to co-workers things like, “I kind of liked you better when your jaw was wired shut after the accident.”

Not Minding Your Own Business

Do not say to a co-worker, “So, what’s the deal with that loser you call a boyfriend. Is he out of jail yet?”

Dressing Inappropriately

Sure, we, know, you are a Toronto Blue Jays Fan. But wearing a giant Blue Jay uniform everyday is a ticket to RedSlipVille.

Bad Odors

OK, you love garlic. You put it on everything. Heck, you put it on cereal! You wonder why there isn’t a garlic version of Cheerios.

But here’s the thing: you stink. Your breath stinks. No one wants to talk to you, interact with you or be near you.

In fact, you have to go. And don’t come back.

How To Fake Confidence on the Job

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Have you ever met a dimwitted dork at work with one-quarter of your talent who somehow got promoted all the time? They were able to exude confidence even if they only half knew what they were doing. You can pull this off, too — you just have to fake confidence. Here are some tips.

Dress Well

Try wearing a football uniform to work every day. Your message is, “Hey, you have to go through ME to get to the coffee machine.”

Walk Quickly

Confident people are in a hurry to get things done. If you lolly-gag all day, people assume you are ingesting edibles and thinking about the weekend even if it is Monday. Pick up the pace! Try drinking 10 or 12 pots of coffee every morning.

Lower Your Voice

You can fake confidence by lowering your voice. Take it down an octave. Practice by listening to Barry White records. Instead of a chirpy “Good morning!”, say it smooth and slow with the bass tones of low-riding ’64 Impala playing 80s funk.

 

You Are Sitting Wrong And It Is Killing You

Science has made it clear: sitting is killing you. Even if you exercise regularly, it does not come close to balancing the damage you are doing by sitting all day at a computer or watching TV.

On top of that, most of us sit wrong. Are you making these posture errors while sitting?

Sitting on a Dog

sit5

Sitting Beneath Levitating Desk

sit1

Sitting in a Closet

sit2

Sitting on Top of a Commuter Train

sit3

Sitting On A Scotch Pine

sit4

Take inventory of your sitting habits, and make changes where needed. It will prolong your life.

5 Big Mistakes to Avoid in Your Job Interview

A job interview is one of the most important conversations you’ll have in your life. That and explaining to your wife why your assistant is going on a business trip with you.

Whatever you do on the job interview, don’t make these mistakes.

Roll in Late

Do not come in late to the interview, smelling like whiskey and singing Jerry Lee Lewis songs.

Not Prepared

Do some proper research about the company beforehand. Do not interrupt the interviewer to say, “Hey, dude, wait, first tell me what you do here before I decide if I want to work with you losers.”

Mistreating Support Staff

Do not mistreat the receptionist, assistants, or anyone else on the staff of the company you are interviewing with. Refrain from telling the receptionist, “He’s got 2 more minutes to come out here and get me for this sham show before I bounce.”

Dressed Inappropriately

Make sure you present a professional appearance for your interview. Do not show up wearing golf attire and announce, “Can you speed it up, Sparky? I have to tee off in 20 minutes!”

No Follow Up

You might me surprised how many people do not follow up on job interviews. It’s an easy way to stand out. Make sure to send a thank you card. Do not, however, write, “Thank you for the chance to speak with you about the opportunities at your company. I look forward to taking your job in the next 12 months.”

The Best Places to Retire

Are you getting ready to call it a career and head into the sunset? Here are the best places to retire right now.

 

Old Mill, England

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Old Mill is a working retirement town. Residents take turns working in the old mill where they make bread, pastries and sour mash whiskey. Two times this year a retiree fell in the one of the sour mash whiskey barrels.

 

Calm County, Norway

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Calm County is a special retirement “halfway-house” to help corporate drones transition back to becoming a real person again.

 

Sleep-on-Cotswald, England

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This retirement town is great for people who like to sleep 20-22 hours a day. There are beds in every public building, so all you have to do is plop down and grab a snooze wherever you are.

 

Red Dragon Lake, China

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Red Dragon Lake is one of the fastest growing retirement areas in the world. They offer free coffee, free bingo cards and free trips to the health center after breathing the polluted air in China for more than a month.

 

Slone Salon and Spa, Sweden

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This town was build around ancient spas in a remote area of Sweden.  The boiling spa water coming up form the earth relaxes your body and makes it really easy to make dinner at the same time.

 

Godspire, Scotland

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

This historical spire marks the town that has seen more retirees settle than any other part of Scotland. Mostly female retirees, they are attracted to the low rents and Thunder from Down Under show every Thursday at the pub.

 

Emerson Sound, New Hampshire

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Nestled in a picturesque valley in New Hampshire, Emerson Sound has some of the best fishing in five states. However, retirees have opted instead for the 2 for 1 fish fry every week at the St. Agnes Rec Center.

 

5 Signs You Are Going To Be A Huge Success In Life

Success may seem to be random, but there are clear early indicators that you are going to be very successful in life or not. Here are five:

Monopoly Wiz

At 10 years old, you won every game of Monopoly you played, never stooping to bat the board across the room in frustration, sending game pieces flying.

Wheelie Bird

You were able to do bike wheelies much faster and better than your friends, often going a block or more until you crashed into the Dexter family’s mailbox.

Little Wonder

You were the best player on your Little League team, often scoring 40 or 50 runs a game.

Love Skillz

Nationaal Archief - Zoenende Carnavalsgangers  Kissing during Mardi Gras 5452745211
Courtesy Nationaal Archief via Flickr Commons

You were the first kid in your school to kiss a girl who wasn’t your sister or a cousin.

High School Star

You lettered in three sports in high school, played in the band at half time, and sold T-shirts in the parking lot before the game.

 

 

7 Ways To Work Smarter

You’ve heard the old bromide: Work Smarter, Not Harder. Here is how to do it:

  • Every morning prepare a list of things you need to get done for that day and then hand that list to your dog.
  • Create your own board of directors for advice and counsel — include your spouse and your significant other.
  • Group activities together. Going to the store? Hold a sales meeting in the butter aisle.
  • Prop up a dummy in your chair at work. Several advertising sales managers use this technique and sales went up 25 percent.
  • Keep your staff motivated with your old stories about the days they allowed smoking in the office.
  • Fire half your staff this morning and hire them back this afternoon as outsourcers.
  • Create a power-converter into your mouse that changes mouse clicks into energy. Retire young, go golfing.

These are a just a few of the many ways you can work smarter to get ahead of those dorks you work with.