I used a discount DNA service. Told me my ancestors are 50 percent from Ohio and 50 percent from Wisconsin.
Children are great, I mean if they never said anything or made any sounds at all. But if your spouse REALLY is pressuring you to have a few, run these three reasons by them to not have children.
As soon as you have kids, your “BFF” will soon become Best Friend Forever That I Never See Ever (BFFTINSE).
Your spouse is A-1 in your life, right. Well, when the kids show up, your spouse will move to the number two position and never recover.
Staying healthy is easy — get enough sleep, eat right, exercise. All three of those go out the window when kids start populating your house. Welcome to Take Out Pizza For the Rest Of Your Days on This Planet.
Before you ruin your life by having kids and buying a house, try to get these five things done.
Pilot a Blimp
After you settle down, you’ll never be able to talk your spouse into letting you fly a blimp. “But what if it blows up like the Hindenburg?” they’ll say. That’s a tough objection to overcome.
Sing Loudly in the Shower
It’s much easier to sing loudly in the shower when you are single. Once you settle down, get ready for pounding on the wall of the bathroom, followed by yelling and complaining.
Drive Like the Cars in Fast and Furious
I don’t know what he did before he had had kids, but I remember when I was growing up my dad drove so slow we thought we’d never get home from church. So get it out of your system now. Once you have kids, you’ll drive like your grandpa on slow motion pills.
Paint Your Face for Football Games
Hey, this one is a stretch because, in reality, you probably shouldn’t be painting any part of your body to support your team after you graduate college. At State U, it’s perfectly acceptable. Once you are 25, it gets a little dicey. But go for it. This is your last shot. Just don’t plan on painting your kid’s face with the same color scheme down the road.
Golf Four Days in A Row Non-Stop in Your Own Town
In your twenties, you’ll think nothing of playing non-stop golf all over town for four days. Once you are hitched and popping out kids, your spouse will wonder where you have been. You can’t answer, “Well, Ted, Jim, Greg and I have been working on a massive environmental-impact study at several of the local park lands.”
As a new parent, you are understandably concerned your three month old is on track and developing normally. Check for these three characteristics when they hit their three-month birthday.
Strong Tennis Serve
Baby should be able to get in the majority of first serves at 3 months old. Not there yet? Don’t worry. Most tennis pros know how to get babies back on plan.
Tie a Fisherman’s Knot
Nothing is more useful to a three-month-old than to be able to tie a secure Fisherman’s Knot. No more loose knots around the house.
Opera is best heard from babies under six months old. Your three-month-old should have a good grasp of the arias in Madame Butterfly and Carmen.
I don’t have kids. Maybe it’s a good thing because I recently found out three things about kids I had no clue about.
Kids Want to Be Fed
I didn’t get this one at first, but I found out kids need to be fed every day. Every day??!! Yes, every day. I was stunned. I can’t imagine getting food prepared for a 4-year-old. Can they really taste the difference between different food items?
Kids Need a Ride To School
What? Parents drive their kids to school? Why? Get out and walk. What’s wrong with these coddling parents? Walking is good for kids. Just think how many steps they’ll get on Fitbit every day.
Kids Repeat Things Endlessly
I remember when my nephew watched “Ghostbusters” on home video. He was maybe 5-years-old. He sang that dang theme song over and over every day for months. Scientists don’t know why they do this, and there is no known cure.
Are you a parent? Be aware of these child behaviors and take action quickly.
Screaming at the Top of Their Lungs
If your child screams at the top of her lungs in restaurants, malls and churches, congratulations. You have the next Christina Aguilera on hand. Get an agent and buy homes in Nashville and the Hollywood Hills.
Stealing Things From Others
Ever caught your precious stealing things from others? Encourage more of this. It shows they have creative thinking and problem solving skills. Later, when they are 18 or 19, if they are not in jail yet, you can explain it is not nice to steal.
When you ask your child to take out the trash, do they say, “Yeah, right, do I work for the city now?” If so, you should write this down and send it in to Reader’s Digest. They will pay top dollar for cute things kids say. You may even want to have more kids to have an endless supply of material.
When talking about their family history, why do people always say, “Family lore has it…” followed by a tale of a family member from decades ago who was a gunslinger, bank robber, rich baron or Indian chief?
The never say, “Well, we have a famous dunce in our family tree. He was responsible for the Titanic disaster. Really dumb one, that guy.”
Mother’s Day started in 1908. That was a crazy year. That year was the first time they dropped a ball in Times Square to mark the New Year. One old timer explained, “Well, in those days, the ball was made of an iron frame that was really heavy. The first year, the ball fell off the line and bounced down the street into the ocean, dragging a family from Keokuk, Iowa with it.”
Mother’s Day was started by Anna Jarvis of West Virginia. After her mother died in 1905, she began a campaign for a day to honor Mothers. It became an official US holiday in 1914, held in May because that’s the month so many mothers are glad they will soon be sending their kids away to summer camp.
Unfortunately, Jarvis became enraged when Hallmark and other companies created cards for Mother’s Day, saying people should send thoughtful hand written cards, not store bought ones. I hear you Ms. Jarvis. I always create a hand-written poem for my mom on Mother’s Day. This year I wrote:
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Although you had six kids
I was the one you said you wished you never knew
I know you were just kidding.
Surely you’ve seen this video of a man being interviewed by the BBC when his kids start coming in to join the fun.
First, it’s the older daughter who struts in like she’s walking in the club like she owns it. She comes closer when the man attempts to hold her back. Undaunted, she just stands there, studying her candy.
Then the baby seemingly floats in on a rolling baby walker with no care in the world. First of all, this kid can move in that thing. Better add some brakes because before long there’s going to be some crashes in the condo.
Mom realizes what has happened and rushes in like the Road Runner, but she has a little too much body speed, so she hits the breaks in a power slide. She drag-pulls the two children back through the door while the man puts up brave face.
Now that’s comedy.
Some online commenters have said, “I don’t think it’s funny.” Really? Nothing like this has ever happened in your family?
Or they comment the father should have pulled the kid into his lap. Right! That would have been worse. You know the kid would have started pulling his glasses off and playing with his tie. Interview over right ‘dere.
Our house when I was a kid. Dad used to make us climb the roof to watch for Feds trying to break up his moonshine operation.
Image courtesy Carol Highsmith via Library of Congress.
A promo for a local news weather team says, “Hey we are just like family members.”
Listen, i don’t need more family members. I’m trying to get away from my family members.
Do you really want a family member giving you the weather?
“Hey, Uncle Ned, what’s the weather?”
“It’s February in Ohio! It’s going to snow! Whaddyaexpect, ya dummy?”
An aunt created a storm of controversy recently when she breastfed her sister’s baby. Talk about spoiling your kid.
How does that work? Does the mom give them a choice of breasts?
“Honey, who would you like today? Remember, the nutrients and nourishment you get from breast milk at this stage will play a major role in your success in life. Choose wisely. So today we have Aunt Jane, who has a bad habit of shoplifting after downing shots of 151 rum; Aunt Alice, who smokes 6 packs a day while lifting the family Jeep so Uncle Frank can change a tire; and finally Aunt Clara, she like to breast feed on the benches outside of Walmart while she sings country ditties for change from shoppers.”