The highway is made to get you from one place to another hassle-free without the slowdown of traffic lights, garbage trucks, and slow, slow, slow city buses. For the most part, it works. Except there is a special breed of crazy person on the highway you’ll find nowhere else.
Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy rolls up on your bumper because he is in a HUGE hurry. To avoid him driving through your rear window, you move over. He zooms past, only to realize he is missing his exit, cuts back across IN FRONT of you, nearly wrecking both your cars.
Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off turns on her turn signal to exit the freeway. Except she’s not sure where the exit is. So, she turns the signal on, changes her mind when no exit shows up for a mile, turns it off, and so on. This goes on for ten miles.
The carpool lane, sometimes called an HOV lane, is set aside for people with two or more passengers. Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver takes that as an invitation to slow down to 10 miles-per-hour below he speed limit, backing up cars in the lane for 45 miles.
I looked at the scanner error code: Misfire in Cylinder 5. Great. The Beater with a Heater is a V-6, and one of the six cylinders was acting up.
I decided to talk to him.
“Hey, Cylinder 5, what’s up with you?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’re misfiring, messing up the whole engine.”
“Woah, slow down. I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now, but I’m not messing up the whole engine.”
“You aren’t? I’m getting less acceleration off the line and sluggish top end.”
“Ooooh, ‘less acceleration off the line,’ oooh. What, you are Richard Petty, now? It’s a minivan! With dents in it I might add.”
“Listen, you aren’t pulling your weight.”
“Think of it this way. You have six cylinders. I’m just one. You have five others ready to take up the slack. If we worked for a city or state road crew, you’d have one guy doing the work and five others watching. So already you are ahead.”
Ever plug in an accessory to your car’s 12-volt power outlet and it won’t stay put? The vibration of your car on the road doesn’t help as it shakes it loose. Secure that baby with these 3 tips.
Wrap your accessory plugs in baloney before insertion to ensure a tight fit.
Wedge a golf tee with a grape on the end of it alongside the accessory plug and jam it in there.
Make a sleeve of old math tests from your school days. Place the sleeve in the socket and then jam the accessory in the sleeve. You can do the same thing with that parking ticket you found on your window this morning.
I recently bought a junker car: a 2002 Toyota Sienna with a rear hatch that is permanently closed due to the dent in the rear right side suffered in one of many accidents it has experienced over the years.
The guy who sold it to me called it a “beater with a heater.” He said, “It’s not pretty, but it will get you there.”
Today I heard someone say their car was “rusty but trusty.”
Here then are 7 adorable things you can call your junker.
The marketplace is cruel. Sometimes things just don’t work out so well for new car models. Here are 7 crazy cars the public shunned at the showroom.
Would only work with a passenger reading the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
The first successful underwater car, the hardtop was a hit. Sales fell off when the convertible model was released.
The HMAC Pizza was a pizza delivery cannon, firing pizzas from the street through the front window of a house. In 1915, a family died when one of them inadvertently fired hubcaps at a hungry group of relatives.
The Olds Pup
A gorgeous car that should have been a hit. It failed because it was solely powered by the pull of a small dog who came with a purchase.
The Plymouth Emotional Baggage
The emotional baggage was initially popular with ex-girlfriends and mothers-in-law who appreciated the large luggage area. Beyond these two groups, it sold poorly.
The Buick Sea Water
The Buick Sea Water was a scam car that supposedly ran on sea water. Thousands of duped consumers left them at the beach when they would not run.
The Amtrak Railer
The Amtrak Railer was the first car by a railroad company — it was designed to run on tracks, providing a faster, better experience than the trains of the day. Sales fell to zero when reports of cars like the one shown would fly off the tracks down dirt roads, hurtling passengers miles off course.
Middletown, Ohio recently deactivated their red light traffic cameras at intersections around the city in order to bring the town a new system.
“There’s been some confusion,” said the mayor of the town. “Some people thought our automated red light cameras were illegal. That’s not it at all. The red light cameras are legal, they’re just not very efficient. We had the same motorists breaking the same laws over and over.”
Rather than issue citations to repeat offenders, the new procedure is that the license plates of repeat offenders will be kept in a image database at the State. When the computer determines that an offender has once again made the same traffic violation, high-powered lasers will fire from the top of the traffic lights, sending a high-powered beam at the automobile.
Once the beam reaches its highest intensity, the car will be rendered useless. At the same time, the intense focus of the laser will make the driver drowsy. With the car rendered inoperable, and the driver as well, the laser will then send a message to the nearest police officer to arrest the driver and tow their car to the nearest impound lot.
“This is the safest method we came up with to deal with repeat offenders,” explained the mayor. “The laser renders both the automobile and the driver completely inoperable. We will tow the car to the nearest impound lot, and make the arrangements to sell it. The driver will be taken to the local police station, booked and given time to sleep off the effects of the laser. Once they are back to normal, we will issue them a bicycle instead of a car because clearly they cannot use an automobile like a responsible adult. For winter, the bicycles will be issued special snow tires so that people don’t have to miss work, church or family obligations due to inclement weather.”
The lasers are currently being tested throughout the Middletown, Ohio area. They will be in full operation beginning in May. There will be no opportunity for residents to voice concerns about the system at the local city Council meetings.
“We find that the people raising the biggest questions and concerns about the laser program are also the biggest suspects in terms of traffic violations,” said the mayor. “We have decided not to allow anyone to give us feedback on the system. Rather, we look forward to having the opportunity to remove these complainers and anarchists from behind the wheel, and put them on the seat of a bike where the exercise will hopefully remove some of the desire to break the law and constantly complain.”