Crazy Drivers: Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal sees every rush hour as a battle to the death, even if it takes them two hours to get home no matter what.

Today we were inching along…stop, go, stop, go…in rush hour traffic at 505pm on Wilshire Boulevard in LA. I stopped momentarily to let a car turn left in front of us.

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal in the car behind me leaned on the horn.

Really? That makes you mad? A car turning for one second is holding you up? Where are you going to go?

After the car turned left, we moved up…one space.

I’d Like to Donate My Car

“Yes, I’d like to donate my old car to your organization.”

“Great, what kind is it.”

“It’s a 2002 Toyota Sienna.”

“OK, how many miles.”

“235,000.”

“Ooh.”

“Ooh? What do you mean, ooh?”

“Well, that’s a lot. Does it run.”

“Yes. After you jump it and let it warm up for an hour or so. And take it on a spin around Los Angeles County to juice up the battery.”

“Spin? How far?”

“75 miles should do it. Just don’t take it on any steep hills. And avoid jarring roads. I think it needs a new front axle, suspension, tie rods and shocks.”

“OK, I’m going to have to deny this donation. Sorry. It’s too dangerous for our staff.”

3 Crazy Drivers on the Highway

The highway is made to get you from one place to another hassle-free without the slowdown of traffic lights, garbage trucks, and slow, slow, slow city buses. For the most part, it works. Except there is a special breed of crazy person on the highway you’ll find nowhere else.

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy

Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy rolls up on your bumper because he is in a HUGE hurry. To avoid him driving through your rear window, you move over. He zooms past, only to realize he is missing his exit, cuts back across IN FRONT of you, nearly wrecking both your cars.

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off

Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off turns on her turn signal to exit the freeway. Except she’s not sure where the exit is. So, she turns the signal on, changes her mind when no exit shows up for a mile, turns it off, and so on. This goes on for ten miles.

Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver

The carpool lane, sometimes called an HOV lane, is set aside for people with two or more passengers. Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver takes that as an invitation to slow down to 10 miles-per-hour below he speed limit, backing up cars in the lane for 45 miles.

Misfire in Cylinder 5

I looked at the scanner error code: Misfire in Cylinder 5. Great. The Beater with a Heater is a V-6, and one of the six cylinders was acting up.

I decided to talk to him.

“Hey, Cylinder 5, what’s up with you?”

“What do you mean?”

“You’re misfiring, messing up the whole engine.”

“Woah, slow down. I’m just going through a lot of stuff right now, but I’m not messing up the whole engine.”

“You aren’t? I’m getting less acceleration off the line and sluggish top end.”

“Ooooh, ‘less acceleration off the line,’ oooh. What, you are Richard Petty, now? It’s a minivan! With dents in it I might add.”

“Listen, you aren’t pulling your weight.”

“Think of it this way. You have six cylinders. I’m just one. You have five others ready to take up the slack. If we worked for a city or state road crew, you’d have one guy doing the work and five others watching. So already you are ahead.”

3 Ways to Fix Your Car’s Loose 12-Volt Power Outlet

Ever plug in an accessory to your car’s 12-volt power outlet and it won’t stay put? The vibration of your car on the road doesn’t help as it shakes it loose. Secure that baby with these 3 tips.

Wrap your accessory plugs in baloney before insertion to ensure a tight fit.

Wedge a golf tee with a grape on the end of it alongside the accessory plug and jam it in there.

Make a sleeve of old math tests from your school days. Place the sleeve in the socket and then jam the accessory in the sleeve. You can do the same thing with that parking ticket you found on your window this morning.

7 Adorable Things to Call Your Junker Car

I recently bought a junker car: a 2002 Toyota Sienna with a rear hatch that is permanently closed due to the dent in the rear right side suffered in one of many accidents it has experienced over the years.

The guy who sold it to me called it a “beater with a heater.” He said, “It’s not pretty, but it will get you there.”

Today I heard someone say their car was “rusty but trusty.”

Here then are 7 adorable things you can call your junker.

A hoopdy that hops.

A hunk of junk with spunk.

A wreck that treks.

A clunker with two bumpers.

A bucket of bolts with just enough volts.

A tin can named LuAnne.

A pile of rust that won’t bust.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eerily Quiet

You can hear every vehicle.

Dump trucks: “Grrrrrrrrr.”

Motorcycles: “Vroooooom.”

Even bicycles: “Ring ring.”

You can hear vehicle in LA right before it hits you — but you hear it, so you jump out of the way.

EXCEPT THE TOYOTA PRIUS.

This is the sound you will hear before a Toyota Prius it sneaks up behind you and scares the heck out of you.

“………………………………………..”

The Prius is too quiet. Any sound will help.

How about “A-ooga! A-ooga!”

Or…

“Oo-wee-oo! Oo-wee-oo!”

Anything.

Please, Toyota, this car is way too quiet. It’s making me paranoid.

7 Crazy Cars The Public Shunned At The Showroom

The marketplace is cruel. Sometimes things just don’t work out so well for new car models. Here are 7 crazy cars the public shunned at the showroom.

 

Ford Longfellow

Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons

Would only work with a passenger reading the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

 

Chevrolet Land/Sea

Courtesy Australian National Maritime Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Australian National Maritime Museum via Flickr Commons

The first successful underwater car, the hardtop was a hit. Sales fell off when the convertible model was released.

 

HMAC Pizza

Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons
Courtesy San Diego Air and Space Museum via Flickr Commons

The HMAC Pizza was a pizza delivery cannon, firing pizzas from the street through the front window of a house. In 1915, a family died when one of them inadvertently fired hubcaps at a hungry group of relatives.

 

The Olds Pup

Courtesy State Library of New South Wales via Flickr Commons
Courtesy State Library of New South Wales via Flickr Commons

A gorgeous car that should have been a hit. It failed because it was solely powered by the pull of a small dog who came with a purchase.

 

The Plymouth Emotional Baggage

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

The emotional baggage was initially popular with ex-girlfriends and mothers-in-law who appreciated the large luggage area. Beyond these two groups, it sold poorly.

 

The Buick Sea Water

Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons
Courtesy US National Archives via Flickr Commons

The Buick Sea Water was a scam car that supposedly ran on sea water. Thousands of duped consumers left them at the beach when they would not run.

 

The Amtrak Railer

Courtesy National Library of Ireland via Flickr Commons
Courtesy National Library of Ireland via Flickr Commons

The Amtrak Railer was the first car by a railroad company — it was designed to run on tracks, providing a faster, better experience than the trains of the day. Sales fell to zero when reports of cars like the one shown would fly off the tracks down dirt roads, hurtling passengers miles off course.

 

Middletown Ohio Initiates Laser Program To Stop Traffic Light Scofflaws

14793092013_bd6690257b_o----image courtesy boston public libarary via fc-traffic-police-ticket-motorcyle-cop-violation
Image Courtesy Boston Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

Middletown, Ohio recently deactivated their red light traffic cameras at intersections around the city in order to bring the town a new system.

“There’s been some confusion,” said the mayor of the town. “Some people thought our automated red light cameras were illegal. That’s not it at all. The red light cameras are legal, they’re just not very efficient. We had the same motorists breaking the same laws over and over.”

Rather than issue citations to repeat offenders, the new procedure is that the license plates of repeat offenders will be kept in a image database at the State. When the computer determines that an offender has once again made the same traffic violation, high-powered lasers will fire from the top of the traffic lights, sending a high-powered beam at the automobile.

Once the beam reaches its highest intensity, the car will be rendered useless. At the same time, the intense focus of the laser will make the driver drowsy. With the car rendered inoperable, and the driver as well, the laser will then send a message to the nearest police officer to arrest the driver and tow their car to the nearest impound lot.

“This is the safest method we came up with to deal with repeat offenders,” explained the mayor. “The laser renders both the automobile and the driver completely inoperable. We will tow the car to the nearest impound lot, and make the arrangements to sell it. The driver will be taken to the local police station, booked and given time to sleep off the effects of the laser. Once they are back to normal, we will issue them a bicycle instead of a car because clearly they cannot use an automobile like a responsible adult. For winter, the bicycles will be issued special snow tires so that people don’t have to miss work, church or family obligations due to inclement weather.”

The lasers are currently being tested throughout the Middletown, Ohio area. They will be in full operation beginning in May. There will be no opportunity for residents to voice concerns about the system at the local city Council meetings.

“We find that the people raising the biggest questions and concerns about the laser program are also the biggest suspects in terms of traffic violations,” said the mayor. “We have decided not to allow anyone to give us feedback on the system. Rather, we look forward to having the opportunity to remove these complainers and anarchists from behind the wheel, and put them on the seat of a bike where the exercise will hopefully remove some of the desire to break the law and constantly complain.”