Propeller Head

Waiting in the incredibly slow line at the big box store, I passed the time by goofing with the 3-year-old sitting in the shopping cart in front of me.

I put the Lakers hat I was buying on top of the Dodgers hat already on my head. This made the kid laugh uncontrollably, especially when I spread the visors to opposite sides, like a giant propeller on my noggin’.

I paid for the hat and propped it back on the hat on my head in order to free up a hand to show the receipt to the security guy at the door. Some of these receipt checkers go through each item carefully and seem disappointed everything is accounted for. I half expect them to say, “OK, now empty your pockets.”

Others wave you through like they could care less.

I pointed at the hat (on the other hat) on my head and he eyeballed the receipt, turning it slightly askew, as if it would reveal an item I hadn’t paid for if he tilted it. Satisfied, he let me go.

I forgot about the extra hat on my head as I walked through the mall back to my car. Kids pointed and laughed. Old ladies shook their head at me, like wearing two hats violated some city ordinance. Some people laughed and commented, “Go Lakers…and Dodgers!” or just “Nice hats!” Fashionable types turned away lest we make eye contact and I asked them for money.

I’m thinking about marketing my two-hat style. Still working on the branding. What do you think of “Double coverage?”

Tattoos Made From Motorcycle Exhaust

Bored with the same old tats? Now you can get a tattoo made from motorcycle exhaust. Cool! But how do you compete with that? Don’t worry, impress your buddies even more spectacular skin ink.

Nuclear Reactor Waste

You’ll be the talk of the motorcycle gang when you roll up your sleeve and show off a tattoo of your mother that is glowing like an airplane landing strip beacon.

Jet Fuel

You’ll never run out of gas on your bike again. Because if you do, all you have to do is squeeze your tattoo made from jet fuel and wring it in your tank. Time for takeoff!

Cooking Grease

Let’s say you are on a long ride from your home base to extract your homie who is being held by a rival motorcycle gang. If you get hungry on the way, just move your arm up and lick your tattoo made from cooking grease. Um-mmm, that’s tasty.

3 Things You Are Doing That Make Your Hair Stylist Go Insane

Ladies, you rely on your hair stylist to keep you looking attractive and sharp. Then why are you making them crazy doing these dumb things?

Don’t Know What You Want

It’s funny, but they don’t teach mind reading at hairstylist school. What did you expect? Were you waiting for your stylist to place their hands on your face like Spock and do a mind meld, instantly knowing what style you want? Hey, at least give them some idea, like, “I want to look like a blend of Nicole Kidman in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and a young Katy Perry.”

Coming in Late

Here is what the stylist wants to say: “Hey, sleepy-head. Don’t have an alarm clock at your house? Gee, we waited and pushed our whole salon schedule to accommodate you, because you know we love you. But the next time you come in late without calling and expect us to just slide you into a chair we have set aside for your highness, save your breath. Keep on driving down to Supercuts.”

Back Seat Driver

Your stylist doesn’t sit in the back of your car and say you missed the exit and ask why you are driving so slow. So why do you sit in the chair and second guess every clip of the scissors? Look, you may be right. It could come out wrong and you look like Kesha waking up after a five day bender. On the other hand, you might emerge as the Paris Fashion Week catwalk-strutting supermodel you think you really are. Let them drive.

Hey, is that a Timex there?

Thing I learned today: John Mayer is a watch collector and has been a judge for this high-falutin’ competition called The Grand Prix d’Horlogerie de Genève.

Can you imagine the pressure on what you have on your wrist at that show?

“What kind of watch do you have there?”

“Oh, it’s a Timex.”

“Nice.”

“How about you?”

“Oh, this is nothing. It’s an Audemars Piguet ‘Royal Oak Concept Supersonnerie.'”

“What did that set you back?”

“It’s worth about $295,000.”

“Nice.”

The 7 Suits Every Man Needs

Every man needs these suits to be well-dressed and looking sharp. If you are missing one of these classics, snap it up as soon as possible.

 

The Emotional Armor

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This suit is perfect to deflect the crazy people in your life. Made of a special carbon/rayon/wool/cotton/nuclear fiber, it is made to withstand nagging and complaining up to 180db.

 

The Divorce Court

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OK, it didn’t work out. It happens, in California probably twice or three times. You still want to look good.

 

The Elegant Bowler

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Ever want to roll a few frames in the middle of the day? This suit has real bowling shoes, and a hat that turns into a ball carrier.

 

The Fake Opera Fan

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Eventually she will ask you to go to the opera with her. This suit has a deep coat pocket bit enough to carry an iPad you can use to log on to football games on the Internet.

 

The Varsity

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Made of triple-worsted wool, this warm suit has 4 flask pockets and a secret pocket for contraband.

 

The Pool Shark

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The key here is the cane that converts to a standard pool cue.

 

The Golf Reversible

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The jacket reverses into a golf jacket, and the pants have internal zippers just above the knee to convert them into golf shorts. Now all you need is an excuse to be out of the office for 5 hours.

The Shocking Difference In Dressing Room Lighting in 17 Stores

Ever tried on something at the store and it looked great, and then you get home and it looks terrible?

What the heck?

An investigation of the lighting in dressing rooms of 17 top stores showed the jaw-dropping difference in how the same outfit looks.

The same model tried on the same clothes at these stores and this is the result.

Forever 21

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

The Limited

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Nordstrom

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Macy’s

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Top Shop

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Bergdorf’s

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

American Eagle

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Old Navy

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Nordstrom

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

J. Crew

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Target

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Uniqlo

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Urban Outfitters

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Banana Republic

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Filene’s

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Zara

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

Victoria’s Secret

French 18th Century, Young Woman with a Muff, , c. 1750, oil on canvas, Chester Dale Collection
Courtesy National Gallery of Art

 

Stunning and eye-opening. I didn’t think the results would be so amazing. Those stores really have shoppers fooled.

7 Worst Men’s Fashion Choices As Rated By Women

Sure, as a guy your fashion sense is not as strong as a woman’s — that’s why you should listen to them when they weigh-in on your fashion choices. We surveyed 500 women to find out the worst things men wear, and they were not shy about telling us.

British Judicial Wig

Okay, so your grandfather was a barrister in the British court, until the scandal forced him to skedaddle to the United States where he met your grandmother, and they moved to upstate New York to open a peanut butter and jelly farm. That doesn’t give you license to stroll around town in a British judicial wig.

“If you’re going to do that, at least start a death metal band called Barrister’s Bunion and spend rest of your life touring state fairs and Revolutionary war reenactments,” one flight attendant said.

Silk Ascot

There are exactly 2 people in the world who can pull off an Ascot, and you are not one of them.

“Unless your name is George Hamilton, or you have appeared on past episodes of the Avengers, leave the Ascot in the drawer. This is a look that is smashing when someone pulls it off properly, but most men look like they are trying to get into the Yacht Club on Caddyshack,” said one retail manager.

Speedo

Speedos are a horrible fashion look for every man that has ever lived. A 40-year old woman said, “People say, oh, well in Europe every guy wears a Speedo. That is one reason why Europe will never emerge as a regional economic power.”

“No man should wear a Speedo ever, ever, ever, ever, ever. This includes Olympic swimming and diving champions. The Olympic committee should put new rules in place that require swimmers to where knee-length pants, and in some cases long sleeve shirts. The Speedo should be banned from international sales, and any current stock should floated out to see on a barge, on fire,” said a young lawyer with a family.

Russian Hat

“Russian hats were made for a specific reason,” said an attractive model and entrepreneur. “They are to keep your head warm during the nine-month Russian winter where the temperatures can go as low as 100° below zero. In that case, if your name is Vladimir or Vitaly, and you work outside every day, then it is okay to wear a big Russian hat. Every other guy should shoot it, stuff it and mount it on the wall. If I see one more guy in Brooklyn wearing a Russian hat in the middle of summer, I’m going to stab him myself,” she said.

Deer Antlers

“I’m not sure where the deer antler trend started,” said an exasperated fashion merchandiser. “But now I see them all the time, both in the city and in the suburbs where I live. These guys wearing these silly deer antlers better be careful, because when deer season comes around this fall, their going to be running for the hills.”

Cowboy Boot Sandals

“The first time I saw them I almost threw up,” one woman reported. “This good old boy gets this big truck, he’s got the whole look going: the big hat, the plaid shirt with rhinestone buttons, and on his feet, my hand to God, he had on cowboy boots, the bottom half of which were sandals. Don’t ask me to describe them, just take my word for it. After I stopped laughing, I went up to him and asked him please never wear them ever again. I told him that if I ever caught him wearing his cowboy boot sandals, I would report him to the local authorities for disturbing the peace,” she explained.

Duct Tape Tie

Perhaps in response to the rising prices for quality neckties, some enterprising men have begun to fashion their own ties out of duct tape. Duct tape comes in many more styles and colors that are used to, and some men with a DIY bent are turning these colorful roles into inexpensive neckties.

Unfortunately, women are not having it. “I shrieked at the top of my lungs the first time I saw one,” an advertising vice president exclaimed. “This mid-level executive come strolling in wearing a tie made out of duct tape. The print was a repeating pattern of hammers, nails and screwdrivers. Even though he made it the perfect length, I was beside myself with laughter. Please, please, please, please, please, please, please do not, I repeat do not wear a necktie made out of duct tape,” she said, laughing hysterically.

Hottest Fashions From The Grammy Awards 2015

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Miranda Lambert looks happy in her flowing gown!

 

 

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Iggy Azalea gets “Fancy” in her aquamarine hat.

 

 

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Wow! Madonna is always taking chances!

 

 

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Katharine McPhee in a reflective moment. She’s come a long way since American Idol! Or was it The Voice?

 

 

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Gwen Stefani rocks a classic bow hat. Ready for high winds!

 

 

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Taylor Swift is taking more risks these days! Here she sports flowers and pearls in her hair with a single flower in-hand — setting trends!

 

 

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Katy Perry roars with a blazing hair doilie!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Images courtesy National Gallery of Art