Loria Claims $140+ Million Loss on Billion Dollar Sale of Marlins

Former Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria previously agreed if the team was sold within ten years of his purchase of the team in 2008, the city of Miami and Miami/Dade county would receive five percent of the profits. Derek Jeter bought the team within that time frame, so the city and county get their cut, right?

Uh, no.

Loria’s attorneys say there was no profit on the $1.2 billion sale of the team.

Exsqueeze me?

They say they actually lost over $140 million due to underlying debt, deductions and taxes tied to the deal.


For example, he claimed a $30 million deduction for advisers who helped structure the sale. Other deductions he is rumored to have claimed include:

—$10,000 bath towels with the team logo on them.

—$19,000,000 in Florida lottery tickets, saying he had a better chance of hitting lotto than a Marlins win.

—$4,000,000 to build accommodations for the 1,000 paparazzi following Jeter around every day.

—$10,000,000 to consultants who proposed a merger with the Cleveland Browns (yes, the Browns) and moving the combined team to London, England.

—$25,000,000 for construction of a 15-level skybox for his personal use. Locals say he likes to sit on the top level and drops eggs on fans below.

Those are just rumors, so I don’t know. But come on.

Browns Welcome Johnny Manziel Again?

Cleveland Browns hold out hope for a Johnny Manziel return when he refused to cut a deal with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats of the Canadian Football League?

Some team leaders were quoted as saying: “He was the most fun we ever had here. Kid was unpredictable. Really made coming to work fun because you never knew if he would even show up.” One assistant said, “The only thing more fun than Johnny was the annual Browns Family Picnic and Dunk Tank. I made Mr. Haslam drop in the water. Hilarious.”


5 Signs Blake Griffin Was Heading To Detroit

Only a few months after signing a 5-year deal worth north of $170 million,and being called “a lifelong Clipper,” Blake Griffin is gone. He’s being traded to Detroit.

Looking back, there were signs Griffin wouldn’t be around the Clippers much longer.

  • The Griffins ran an ad on AirBnB offering their house in LA for $1,000,000 a night.
  • At each Clippers home game, United Airlines started a promotion offering a Los Angeles-Detroit “Blake Griffin Special” airfare.
  • Doc Rivers, the Clippers coach, kept calling Griffin “The Detroit Kid” during team meetings.
  • When asked about the rumors, Griffin said, “I’m not leaving the Clippers ever. In fact, me and Doc are opening an LA restaurant called “Good But Not Great.”
  • For months, Griffin was spotted looking at homes in the Detroit area. For $170 million, he ended up purchasing the entire city of Detroit.

Eagles Fans Punch Police Horses – Twice in One Week

Philadelphia fans were understandably excited to face the Minnesota Vikings for a chance to appear in the 2018 Super Bowl to lose to the Patriots.

Some fans were too excited.

Yahoo Sports reported: “You would assume that fans punching police horses wouldn’t happen that often, either. An Eagles fan was arrested a week ago for doing just that, and any sane person could assume it was a onetime thing that would in no way repeat itself, at least not soon. How wrong we all were. Because in the parking lot of the Linc at 3:15 p.m. on Sunday, three hours before the game would even start, another man was arrested for punching a police horse in the face.”

But hold on to your officially-licensed NFL team gear.

It gets worse.

After the second horse-punching incident, strange reports came in from around the Philly area:

  • A man was seen riding an African Lion at the Philadelphia Zoo, yelling, “Remember 39! Remember 39!,” a reference to the Eagles 24-21 loss to the Patriots in Super Bowl XXXIX in 2004.
  • A young woman was arrested after boxing the ears of a monkey at a pet store at the Schuylkill River Mall. After taunting the monkey with odd slurrings such as “Where’s your Case Keenum now, my pretty?”, she ran through the mall and crashed into a Sunglass Hut display.
  • A group of fans terrorized a gaggle of geese near the stadium, sending feathers flying as they ran towards them, beer spit flying from their mouths, yelling, “Foles! Foles! Foles! Yaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!”

Philadelphia mayor Jim Kenney took to the airwaves and social media channels later in the day, asking the city to remain calm in the giddy face of inexplicable victory, and asked them to stop throwing eggs at neighborhood cats.

3 Fun Facts About the New York Giants

The New York Giants started in 1925 when they and four other teams joined the young National Football League. The Giants are the only surviving team of those five. The four teams that fell by the wayside over the years include the Los Angeles Phonies, the Chicago Coldbones, the Houston Humidities, and the Des Moines Corn Detasslers.

Baseball’s San Francisco Giants were in New York when the New York Giants football team adopted the same moniker. Again, I ask: why do teams take on the names of other sports franchises that already use that name. It’s happened a bunch of times. So, the Giants called their corporation the “New York Football Giants” to distinguish from themselves from the baseball team. What, there were NO OTHER team names available on the entire earth? How about a name like the New York City-That-Never-Sleeps-Because-It-Has-Downed-148-Cups-of-Coffee-And-Smoked-4-Packs-of-Cigarettes. That’s a team I can cheer for.

The Giants have a long-standing rivalry with the Philadelphia Eagles. Apparently, it started in 1933, but has manifested itself many times since, including a brutal hit in the 1960s from the Eagle’s Chuck “Concrete Charlie” Bednarik on the Giants Frank Gifford that sidelined him for 18 months. Years later, Bednarik denied requests to do the same to the person who taught Franks’s wife, Kathie Lee Gifford, how to sing.

5 Ways Hockey Should Be Used in Everyday Life

Hockey is great, but I think we should use parts of hockey in daily life.

Hip Check

Fed up with that annoying co-worker? The next time they come walking towards you, ready to sell you on their latest pyramid/MLM scheme, hip-check them over the cubicle wall.

Penalty Box

Tired of your mother haranguing you about dating that girl with hoop earrings and a tendency to say things like “You get back, Jojo!” Put her in the penalty box you built in your living room. No TV, no phone.


Jerk cuts you off on the road? You are allowed to pull them over and take their keys, returnable after 5 days.

Third Man In

The Third Man In rule in hockey provides a game misconduct to any player who jumps into a fight already in progress. In real life, any family member who jumps into the middle a fight between two family members has to sleep in the backyard for one night.


The icing rule prevents players from shooting the puck the length of the ice. For everyday life, the icing rule penalizes your wife when she “ices” you — not talking or responding to any of your questions about “what’s wrong?”

Lost Sailors’ Story Questioned

In the past few days, two Hawaii women were rescued after their sailboat drifted for five months in the Pacific. After being picked up by a US ship and brought to port, the survivors detailed their ordeal: The mast and engine failed, and they began drifting in rough seas off Oahu.

Not long after their rescue, many sailing and naval experts began questioning their story. For instance, they had an Emergency Position Indicating Radio Beacon on the ship, but it was not turned on. They were also contacted at one point by another US ship and asked if they needed help, but reported they were not in danger.

Further complicating their story, the pair were also sighted at at the Kahala Mall when there were supposedly lost at sea, looking for doggie treats for the two canines they had on board. One dog likes peanut butter and banana biscuits and the other likes bacon-flavored doggie bones. “We’ve had a heck of a time finding these flavors on the Islands,” one of the sailors reportedly stated to a cashier at the Doggie Delectable Delights store in the Mall.

Two weeks later, the sailors were spotted parasailing on Hawaii’s Gold Coast near Diamondhead, a popular tourist area. Both were heard saying at various times, “Woooahhhh! Woaahhh! It’s too high! Bring me down! Bring me down!” The owner of the parasailing service said, “Often people don’t realize parasails can fly as high as 500 ft on a towline of 800 feet, or about the height of a 50 story building. Sometimes they get terrified once they are up there.”

I’ll update this story as more details emerge.

Why, Why, Why San Diego?

“I still can’t believe it,” Stan said.

I knew Stan from years ago. We lost touch when he moved to San Diego. Recently we ran into each other in LA.

“Why, why did the Chargers have to leave San Diego?” he cried.

“I know, it sucks.”

“And to Los Angeles, of all the God-forsaken places. No offense.”

“None taken. I’m used to it.”

“Can you imagine San Diego without an NFL team? It’s just not right. What’s wrong with a city and a team owner when they can’t meet in the middle and get things done?”

“Washington has been doing it for years.”

“You’re not helping.”

“Listen, I know how you feel. People love their hometown teams. Same thing happened in Cleveland. All those years I supported them, and one night they disappeared. I even scanned the missing persons website to see if they showed up. Next thing I know some people reported seeing them in Baltimore. No break-up letter, note, or even a text. Talk about being ghosted.”

I Turn Los Angeles Teams Into Winners

I moved to Los Angeles in 1991.

Two years later the Kings made it to the Stanley Cup finals for the first time. They won the Cup in 2012 and 2014 when I lived a block away from Staples.

In 2000, the Lakers started an amazing series of NBA Championship wins including 2000, 2001, 2002, 2009, and 2010.

After several months sabbatical in Ohio, I returned to LA in spring of 2017. The Dodgers immediately run the table to make the World Series and take a 1-0 lead at this writing.

In short, I have positive influence on LA major league sports teams except football and roller derby, and I’m happy to do my part.

An Open Letter to Bicyclists Who Ride at Night With No Lights

Dear Night Rider,

Glad to know you are out riding your bike, getting some fresh air and exercise. I know with today’s busy schedules, it’s hard to get in a ride during the day. That’s probably why you were riding at 12 midnight. I get it. The air is crisp and it’s nice and quiet.

One suggestion: can you add a couple of lights, say one on the front and one on the back of your bike when you are riding at night? I didn’t see you when I was driving until you weaved right in front of me in the dark, suddenly shooting across a four-lane road without looking to make a sweeping left turn.

Heck, throw in a couple of reflective strips on your clothing while you are at it.

Hey, I ride myself. I get it. Biking is the best. And sometimes, our only transportation option. So have it.

I know you are out there, Night Rider. I just can’t see you. At all.


Peering in the Dark

Coolest names in 2017 Stanley Cup Finals – Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Nashville Predators

Coolest names in 2017 Stanley Cup Finals – Pittsburgh Penguins vs. Nashville Predators


Olli Maata
Evgeni Malkin


Pekka Rinne
Filip Forsberg
Roman Josi
PK Subban
Colton Sissons
Calle Jarnkrok
Vernon Fiddler
Miikka Salomaki
Juuse Saros
PA Parenteau

Winner: Predators