Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems With Stand-Up Comedy

Show Business
Joe Ditzel

Castaway

I had a good set at the Comedy Store. A comic friend sat down across the table.

“You know, you should do commercials”, he said.

“You mean, like a spokesperson, an executive type?” I pictured myself in a $2,000 suit holding up the latest cold medicine, stating in stentorian tones, “This medicine is so strong, you won’t feel your headache, or anything else, including your feet.”

“Well, more like a neighbor guy”, he said. “A guy that has a riding mower.”

“Oh.”

Actors tell me it is important to know yourself so you can predict how casting agents will see you for roles in commercials and movies and TV shows. If you look like a Hell’s Angel, you shouldn’t go out for accountant roles. My problem is I think I look one way, but other people see something else.

After my set at the Brewco later in the week, a guy approached me with his card out. He wore sunglasses even though it was well past 11 at night. He had a blue baseball cap which he wore backwards and pulled low.

“Very funny”, he opened. “I like the golf stuff. I’m Jerry Steinberg. Steinberg Productions. We do music videos and some commercials. I have a client who makes golf driving nets. The kind you can set up in your back yard and hit golf balls into. I need a golfer type to be in a commercial. Interested?”

Of course. I have a classic golf look – square jaw, piercing gaze and athletic body, like Tiger Woods or Phil Mickelson. Combine that with my beautiful swing and winning personality, I knew I’d be perfect.

“Tell me more”, I said, as if directors were always approaching me after my sets.

“Well, I need a guy that is not in as good a shape as he could be. A guy who could be further in his career but plays too much golf. He’s obsessed by it. But, he’s not very good.”

“Oh.”

“He’s the kind of guy who buys all the latest golf gadgets and doo-dads but never gets any better. Eternally hopeful, eternally lousy.”

“OK.”

“He uses golf to distance himself. Instead of spending time building relationships, he works on his golf game. But his swing looks like he is chopping firewood.”

“Uh-huh.”

“But, he has money. And spends it on expensive stuff like our golf nets. Do you think you could play this character in our commercials? And infomercials?”

“Well, I don’t really know anybody like that.”

But a gig is a gig. I’ll study up on it.

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Joe Ditzel

The Jerry Lewis of Singapore

My web hosting service provides a cool report which breaks down my web-site visitors by country. There is a whole bunch of people clicking in from Singapore. Singapore?

I consulted my international network of fans to get more information. E-mail reports from Asia tell an amazing story about what is going on in Singapore.

I am to Singapore what Jerry Lewis is to France.

When the movie “Hardly Working” opened in Paris in 1980, a big banner on the Champs Elysees read “JERRY”. Everybody knew who it was. There is a big banner right now in downtown Singapore that says “JOE”.

And I don’t even have a movie coming out. Or so I thought. A group of university students figured out how to scan me in digitally to existing movies. I am now the star of “Sixth Sense.” It’s a little different in the Singapore version. I can see dead people- but only one shows up- my mom. During the whole movie she keeps asking me if I’ve put gas in the car and for the love of God take out the trash.

People walk around Singapore repeating lines from my columns. They yell at each other, “You tell Bobby Flay to go fry himself!” and then laugh hysterically because they have no idea what they are saying.

Ditzel-mania is out of control. There is actually a professional wrestler in Singapore named “The Ditz”. He looks like me. He acts like me- before he enters the ring he spends 15 minutes looking for his car keys.

Then, he climbs over the ropes as the crowd chants DITZ! DITZ! DITZ!

He grabs a mike and says, “Can you smell what The Ditz has been cooking?”

It’s craziness. There is a line of potato chips called DitzChips available in the supermarkets. People drink beer and eat DitzChips while watching wrestling.

The biggest bookstore chain there features my book in the front window of every store. This is a very big deal because I don’t have a book. The people of Singapore couldn’t wait for me to finish one. They wrote that I am dating seventeen different Singapore supermodels. I didn’t know Singapore had one supermodel. The bar is lower. You can be a hand model and still achieve supermodel status.

I have to go to Singapore to check this out for myself. But then again, I would be mobbed, chaos would ensue, and the country would shut down. So I’ll stay here. In the interest of international relations. Hey, ladeee!

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