How About Some Lead, Sonny!?

A lady in Bellevue, Washington, tries throwing rocks at a drone hovering too close to her house.

Let’s just say she’ll never play shortstop for the Mariners.

Undaunted, she goes back inside the house and reemerges with a rifle.

The drone operator finally gets some sense and pulls way back.

Is this what it is coming to? People shooting down drones?

All we hear about is drones of the future will deliver packages in 8 minutes from the time we order them.

Thousands of drones will fill the sky with their annoying buzzing.

I can see rednecks everywhere, drinking Budweiser out of the can, shooting down drones to while away the day.

When you ask Amazon for a refund, there will be a selection on the drop-down list of why you are asking for your money back: “Package shot out of sky by rednecks.”

Don’t Worry About My Face

This groom probably didn’t expect to get smacked in the face with a drone during his wedding photo session.

Unfortunately, it hits him with a cringe-inducing thunk.

In this video, the photographer shows the full video and explains what happens.

You can hear the groom say, “I hope I didn’t break you camera. Don’t worry about my face.”

Good on him for being a sport about it.

But be careful if your wedding photographer suggests some drone footage — check your insurance first.

10 Dumb Jokes Alexa Told Me

Alexa is an amazing device. I get news, music, and podcasts instantly. So why do I spend way too much time asking for it to tell me a joke or make a farting sound? Sounds like a personal problem. Anyhoo, here are some dumb jokes Alexa told me.

Why did the hipster burn his lips?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.

What did the square say to the circle?
You are pointless.

What was George Washington’s favorite picnic food?
His Uncle’s Ham.

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

Why does Snoop Dogg use an umbrella?
For drizzle.

What do you do with a sick chemist?
If you can’t helium, and you can’t curium, you might as well barium.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

A Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, “Is this some kind of a joke?”

I don’t trust people with graph paper. They are always plotting something.

What do you call an American Revolutionary who draws cartoons?
Yankee Doodler.

How did the telephone propose to his girlfriend?
He gave her a ring.

Don’t Do What I Just Told You To Do

I’ve noticed an annoying trend among video makers. Let’s say the title of their video is “Stop Recording Concerts With Your iPhone!” I record lot of things with my phone, so I want to learn about this — I click the video. Then I hear:

“What’s up with everyone recording concerts with their iPhone?? I mean, don’t get me wrong. I’m not THAT GUY at the show that tells you put the phone down. No way! I think you should be able to record every show. I mean, how much were the tickets, right? Record the whole thing if you want! So I’m not saying stop recording concerts with your iPhone. That’s not what I’m saying.”

But that IS what you are saying. It’s right in the title.

Don’t backpedal now, son.

If You are Lucky, It Won’t Get Stolen

Amazon’ Prime service is terribly convenient. Not only do you get one of the biggest product selections on Earth, they guarantee two day shipping. And they’ll update you with emails and texts about where your product is on the delivery schedule, so you can rest assured it is on the way.

Here are some actual emails I received after I placed an order.

Hello, Joseph, thank you for ordering “Winter Golf Shoes from Mudbeaters.” We’ll let you know when the item ships.

Hey, Joseph, my boy Sam picked your item from our 40 million square foot warehouse.

Hi, Joseph, those cool “Winter Golf Shoes” are on the truck and heading toward your city. What are Winter Golf Shoes, anyway? Why not just wear two pairs of socks?

Hey, Joe, Sandra is your driver. She says the shoes are on the truck and rolling down the highway. Almost to your town, buddy!

Joey, my boy, good news, Sandra got there with no problems even though the front axle was making a “whump-whump” sound. Weird.

OK, Joey, your item is off the truck and is whipping around some conveyors and chutes we have at the distribution center not that far from your place. Booya!

Hey, Jose, we were able to pile your box on top of some other stuff going to your street. It was close, but Geoffrey stepped into the loo at the last minute, and we threw you box in the truck.

Hey, buddy, how are you? Its hectic as heck down here. My dogs are barking! Maybe I should get some Winter Golf Shoes, hear me? Listen, Geoffrey is having a bite, but after that he’ll drop off your shoes before 8pm. Capiche?

Joey, my friend! Geoffrey didn’t see you were home, so he left the package in plain sight on the porch. Hope you get home before it gets nicked!

Alexa, Rewind 60 Seconds

Me: (Misses last few jokes of comedian due to phone call). “Alexa, rewind 60 seconds.”
Alexa: “I can’t rewind on Pandora radio.”
Me: “Why not?”
Alexa: (Silence.)
Me: “Hello, Alexa?” “Why can’t you rewind?”
Alexa: (Silence.)
Me: “Alexa, why can’t you rewind? I would rewind for you, Alexa. I’m working my tail off here, and you can’t rewind? I would rewind for you, Alexa! How about that? How does that make you feel!”
Alexa: (Silence.)

3 Business Ideas You Can Start Today

Here are 3 business ideas you can start today.

1. Mobile Hugs – Uber-like company with drivers who come to your house and give you a hug.

2. Snuggle Puppy – similar to Mobile Hugs but lets you snuggle with a puppy. None of the hassle of puppies, all of the love.

3. Name Prompter – app with operators standing by who give you the names of famous people when you can’t remember, even though they it should be obvious. “She used to date what’s-his-name,” you say to fellow party-goers. “You remember, he was in that Western. Wait, let me tap Name Prompter.”