3 Ways to Make Your Friends in Cold Climates Angry

Why pay for the privilege of living in Boca Raton, Corpus Christi or San Diego if you can’t rub it in the faces of your friends and relatives in Detroit and Montreal?

Box of Sunshine

Send an empty box to them around December 10th. Write “I’ve boxed up some sunshine from Clearwater, Florida for you to enjoy in Saskatoon. Use sparingly to last the winter.”

Instagram Slam

As soon as snow falls in the cold climate, begin posting pictures of you on the beach every 23 seconds on Instagram. Bonus points if you include the family dog wearing a funny sun hat and sunglasses.

Condolence Email

Try this email: “Dear Relative or Friend, It has come to my attention your family still lives in Boston (Chicago, New York City, wherever). Our deepest sympathies. We always enjoyed you folks, and will miss you here in sun-splashed Santa Barbara (Delray Beach, Destin, Yucatan, etc).”

 

An Open Letter to Fall

I like you, fall, but you don’t like me — so noncommital. Like many ex-girlfriends, you arrive, leave, come back, run away and then come back again, only to stay for a few months before icing me out completely.

Why the hesitation, autumn? I love you for you. The cool nights, the sound of football in the air, the constant indecision on how many layers to wear because the temperature changes 35 degrees every 15 minutes.

It’s time for you to make a decision. Will you stay or will you go?

7 Hot and Heated Historical Photos

It’s the end of June and summer is only going to get hotter. But this is nothing like it was years ago. Ooooowwwweeeee things were hot back then, pardner!

Hot Pipes

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

Look at those hot water pipes. Steaming!

 

Ice Licking

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

When an entire neighborhood of kids is licking the same block of ice to keep from passing out, it’s hot!

 

Cool Head

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Hey, man, get your head out of the water fountain!

 

Fountain Kids

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Hey kids, get the hell out of the fountain!

 

Red Sox Heat

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Boston Red Sox at spring training in Hot Springs, AR. But, wait, they have jackets on. OK, so it was cold in Hot Springs.

 

Supernova

Courtesy Smithsonian Institution
Courtesy Smithsonian Institution

Debris from a cosmic Supernova from the 1500s. Wow, that’s hot!

 

Hot Springs

Courtesy Cornell University Library
Courtesy Cornell University Library

Hot springs in Iceland. Yes, the hot springs melt ice!

 

Laundry Dudes

Courtesy The British Library
Courtesy The British Library

BONUS: These guys are doing laundry in some hot water. With a giant ladle! That’s gotta be hot. Hopefully, that one made up for the lame Boston Red Sox one.

Golfers Scramble To Take Advantage Of One of Three Good Weather Days in Ohio

Blue skies and sparse clouds were the order of the day recently in Ohio. Scientists confirmed it would be one of three days in 2015 they forecast to have good weather.

“The golf season is short enough here,” a greenskeeper in Central Ohio explained. “On top of that, we really only have three days a year where the weather is perfect, without any rain, sleet or snow. Today is one of the three.”

Tee boxes were backed up with 15 foursomes waiting to hit. “We don’t mind waiting,” said a golfer. “We’re just happy to be out in the sunshine, and away from our families.”

Mans Wears Dog On Head Like Russian Hat

Man uses puppy dog as Russian style hat in cold winter weather

Due to severe weather in February of this year, a man was seen walking around town with his small dog perched on top of his head.

“I use my dog like one of those furry Russian hats with the ear flaps,” the man said. “I looked down and realized he was the exact right size for my head.”

The dog rides along with his paws dangling, covering either the man’s ears or forehead, depending on the direction of the wind.

Woman Freezes Up When Trying to Decide What Boots To Wear

20150308143422-winter-spring-snow-slush-sidewalk-750w

Sally stood in front of the back hall racks where her various winter footwear stood patiently waiting.

“First day over 50 degrees in 3 months,” she said to her dog Pip who sat on the ground over near the register. “I don’t know what to wear.”

“Should I wear tennis shoes with a light grip so I can still walk on the ice, but the clear areas will be easier to walk? If I go that direction, I might have a tough time with the soft snow that is starting to melt in the sun.”

“How about my hiking boots, not the heavy ones but the lighter ones that still have that cool sole, but they aren’t so clunky as the big ones that look like you could use to walk on a glacier?”

Pip stared at her as she surveyed the racks for what seemed like half an hour. It was like this every year on the first warm weather day after a long winter.

“Come here, my old friend,” she said, pulling her L.L. Bean duck boots from a cubby hole, a pair she’s had since college. They were made by hand in Maine, with thick rubber on the bottom and leather uppers that were nicked from years of wear. The chain-tread bottoms were a little worn, but still looked good.

“These are the ones, Pip! Light and waterproof. I can just walk right through the puddles!”

Pip turned his head and looked out the window. Sunshine filled half the room, spilling into the kitchen.

“Finally we have a decision,” he thought.

Woman Found In House Sobbing and Screaming “Winter Will Never End!”

2576211546_8ec033670c_o----1888 Keene Public Library - winter snow storm blizzard
Courtesy Keene Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

An Ohio woman in Cleveland’s “Snow Belt” east of town was arrested today after police found her shooting a gun out of a front window at nearby snowbanks, crying and screeching over and over, “Winter will never end! Winter will never end!” She was placed on a protective hold in a local mental facility until her trial comes up in June.

“Honestly, we could have scheduled the trial in March,” the judge said. “But we didn’t want to take the chance she would see snow and freak out.”

“Late February in Ohio has the highest incidence of winter-related breakdowns than any other time,” said the police chief. “We get more calls in those two weeks than the rest of the year. People start to snap due to the constant snowfall, frigid temperatures and endless days of grey, overcast skies. That and they live in Cleveland.”

Cleveland Man Won’t Shovel Sidewalks

House in Snow During Winter - Credit Keene Public Library
Credit: Keene Public Library

A man in Cleveland, Ohio won’t refuses to shovel the sidewalks in front of his house despite record snowfall during a bitter winter.

“I’m just renting here,” John Notgoingtoshovelson explained. “Why should I shovel the walks when the owner should do it.”

During our interview, passers-by could be seen slipping and falling as they tried to negotiate the treacherous sidewalk. One elderly lady tried to drag her shopping cart laden with groceries through the muck. It spilled when it turned over.

“I don’t care about those people,” he said. “They should contact the owner. If people want me to clean the snow off the sidewalks, they can pay me.”

Man In Yellow Coat Always Asked To Direct Cars In Parking Lots

man in yellow coatJohn Zlotskerpan of Coshocton, Ohio was surprised when his wife bought him a bright yellow coat for Christmas two years ago. “I’ve always wanted a bright yellow winter coat,” he said. “And dang, if she wasn’t paying attention, because when I unwrapped the box that morning, there it was.”

Mr. Zlotskerpan’s enthusiasm soon turned to dread, however. Everywhere he walked, from downtown areas of major cities to every event he attended, parking lot managers started yelling at him to quit goofing off and get to work directing cars.

“I love the color,” he explained. “It reminds me of Easter. But these guys thought I worked at the parking lots, and yelled at me to start waving cars in. It was crazy.”

Currently, he is weighing his choices. “Either I can make the jacket a different color, or I can stay home!” he laughed, hitting his wife in the side which made her giggle.