3 Reasons You Should Not Have Children

Children are great, I mean if they never said anything or made any sounds at all. But if your spouse REALLY is pressuring you to have a few, run these three reasons by them to not have children.

Lose Friends

As soon as you have kids, your “BFF” will soon become Best Friend Forever That I Never See Ever (BFFTINSE).

Diminished Marriage

Your spouse is A-1 in your life, right. Well, when the kids show up, your spouse will move to the number two position and never recover.

Decaying Health

Staying healthy is easy — get enough sleep, eat right, exercise. All three of those go out the window when kids start populating your house. Welcome to Take Out Pizza For the Rest Of Your Days on This Planet.

3 Types of Child Behavior You Shouldn’t Take Lightly

Are you a parent? Be aware of these child behaviors and take action quickly.

Screaming at the Top of Their Lungs

If your child screams at the top of her lungs in restaurants, malls and churches, congratulations. You have the next Christina Aguilera on hand. Get an agent and buy homes in Nashville and the Hollywood Hills.

Stealing Things From Others

Ever caught your precious stealing things from others? Encourage more of this. It shows they have creative thinking and problem solving skills. Later, when they are 18 or 19, if they are not in jail yet, you can explain it is not nice to steal.

Disrespectful Attitude

When you ask your child to take out the trash, do they say, “Yeah, right, do I work for the city now?” If so, you should write this down and send it in to Reader’s Digest. They will pay top dollar for cute things kids say. You may even want to have more kids to have an endless supply of material.

Youth Football League Accuses 8-Year-Old Quarterback of Deflating Footballs

Courtesy Library of Congress
Courtesy Library of Congress

Johnson City Youth Football accused Tony “Dead Eye ” Modinoresksi of deflating footballs in a recent game. Modinoresksi is considered the best quarterback in the Tri-City area in the last 20 years.

“We caught him right before the game. He would put the balls underneath his shirt and let some air out with a bicycle tire pump nib,” said a League official.

Modinoresksi denied all wrongdoing, saying he rubs the footballs on his belly for good luck. A hearing will be held to determine if he will be eligible to go on any more trips to McDonald’s after the games.

7 Things Moms Use To Say Back When They Took No Guff

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TqjwfB0oGc8&feature=youtu.be

Remember when moms used to take no guff? If you aren’t old enough to have an old-school mom, here is a sample of the crazy things they used to say.

1. Get down from there or I will make you live up there permanently with a family from Sweden!

2. Why? Because I said so, and I have a Pulitzer prize in this crap!

3. Don’t come back at me with that sugary talk! You sound like early Beach Boys before they all went mad!

4. We can do this one of two ways, the easy way or the hard way! Or the third way, which no has ever returned from to tell tales!

5. Quit fighting or I will put you in the ring with a champion — I’m talking Smokin’ Joe Frazier!

6. I want you to clean up your room once and for all — we better be able to see the floor that we haven’t seen since you moved in there three years ago!

7. You can’t get up until you eat everything on your plate! And the plate,  too, now that I think about it!

 

Local Youth Learns Lesson the Hard Way

This kid thinks he can do whatever he wants.

 

The Warning

Image taken from page 24 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11235980043
Courtesy The British Library

He gets a warning, but hey, he doesn’t care. He can lean back in the chair if he feels like it, right!

 

The Wake-Up

Image taken from page 25 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11235748454
Courtesy The British Library

Woah, woah, well lookee here! Look who seems to be losing their balance.

 

The Final

Image taken from page 25 of 'Funny Books for Boys and Girls. Struwelpeter. Good-for-nothing Boys and 11048575456
Courtesy The British Library

Ha, ha! Serves you right kid. Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.

 

 

 

7 Super Cool School Busses

Wow, these busses are cool! I definitely would have looked forward to going to school if I was able to go in one of these babies.

The Fast and Furious

Cut from the famous movie series, this bus was made to travel at over 275 mph on surface streets. It didn’t make the final cut of the movie, but is now in service every school day with Vin Diesel as the bus driver in select cities.

The Van Halen

The Van Halen bus features a full concert performance by the band every morning and afternoon on the way home. In between songs, kids turn to another kid on the bus every day and ask, “Who are these guys again?”

The Go Pro

The Go Pro school bus is fitted with 4800 Go Pro cameras that follow the bus as it jumps off cliffs, skis down mountains and goes surfing in the Pacific Ocean. A popular bus with kids, it has over 2 million subscribers on its YouTube channel with over 960 trillion views.

The Ohio

The Ohio school bus is specially made to handle sudden changes in the weather at any point in time. The roof has a special giant umbrella that pops out at the first sign of rain, and retracts in under 3 seconds.

The Kanye West

The Kanye West bus is driven by the pop superstar. For the two-hour trip to and from school, he reminds the students that he is the biggest star in the world and that he is a genius.

The Family Vacation

The Family Vacation bus makes it easy for kids to go rapidly from school to summer vacation. It transforms from a regular schoolbus into a family road mobile that includes 5600 bags of Cheetos, 4800 beef jerky packages and 6500 movies on DVD for kids to enjoy on the unbelievably boring ride from their hometown to their smelly uncle Jeb’s house in Mossy Bottom Tennessee.