Unexpected Question Made Me Chuckle

So this happened. Driving through Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles a few nights ago, I asked a lady standing near her tent if she wanted the two brand-new, untouched pizzas I held out the window.

She said, “Is there a thousand dollars in them?”

“Uhhhh, no. But, they are brand new and still hot.”

“Okay, then,” she said and took them both.

Crazy People: Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy

Dear Revving-Engine-Outside-My-Window-at-5am Guy:

Thank you for revving your engine at 5am for 20 minutes outside my window. The exhaust cloud filled my place.

Sir, you don’t need to warm up your engine for more than a few seconds. It is 55 degrees at night in LA in the winter. This isn’t Canada. Thank you.

-Sleepless in Gas Fumes

Man Buys Starter Home in Los Angeles Area for $3,000,000

A man in Los Angeles joined his wife in toasting their first home purchase, a starter home in the Los Angeles area. Located just outside Baker, California, the home is a converted way station for telephone lineman, built to offer shade and refuge from the desert heat for lineman far from major roads and neighborhoods.

“It’s a shack on a dusty plain, but it is home!” the man said. “We have a lot of work to do to get it ready, because we have a little one on the way.” His wife smiled, patting her tummy.

The home features two cots, two shelves with canned vegetables, and a dusty old typewriter used to fill out lineman reports. The man plans to use the typewriter to work on a novel he has had in his head for 5 years. “It’s a thriller about Russian propaganda infiltration in US social media. A real page-turner.”

The man works in Los Angeles, a 171-mile trip one-way. “That’s why I’m glad I bought the Prius when we did. 50 miles to a gallon!” he said.

 

Crazy Drivers: Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal sees every rush hour as a battle to the death, even if it takes them two hours to get home no matter what.

Today we were inching along…stop, go, stop, go…in rush hour traffic at 505pm on Wilshire Boulevard in LA. I stopped momentarily to let a car turn left in front of us.

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal in the car behind me leaned on the horn.

Really? That makes you mad? A car turning for one second is holding you up? Where are you going to go?

After the car turned left, we moved up…one space.

3 Amazing Things You Should Know When Visiting Downtown Los Angeles

If you are heading to LA for fun or business, make sure you take time to visit the booming downtown area. Here are three “insider tips” that will make your visit extra special.

Twenty-cent Ice Cream Cones

Every day at the Grand Market a guy in a green suit and top hat sells 20-cent ice cream cones. Double cones are 40 cents and triples are 60 cents. Get there early because the line goes around the block. To get this low price you are required to participate in a country line dance on Grand Avenue that takes place every hour on the hour.

Free Lakers Tickets

One hour before every Lakers home game, the coach of the moment walks out on the balcony of Staples Center and throws free tickets into the plaza below. Some nights they give away 10 tickets and other nights it could be 100 tickets. It helps to have martial arts skills because it gets very competitive. Last year three people ended up in the hospital fighting for Lakers-Celtics tickets. One guy was stabbed by another fan wielding a “Lakers 3-Peat” ball-point pen.

New Bikes

To promote bike riding downtown, the city gives a new bike to each visitor. You must ride the bike at least once a day during your stay. After that, you are free to take it home with you to Des Moines, Atlanta or wherever you live. Please do not remove the slogan painted on the down tube which says “LA – So Fake, So Fabulous.”

Confusion on the LA Metro Rail

I was at the LA Metro Rail Willowbrook/Rosa Parks station today waiting for the Green Line to Redondo Beach. The north side of the platform looks toward the downtown skyline with the Hollywood Hills in the background.

A guy standing near me asked, “Is that Las Vegas?”

I said, “Yes, sir, that is Las Vegas.”

He looked at me steadily, nodding his head slowly.

I couldn’t take it, so I said, “No, I’m kidding. That’s downtown Los Angeles.”

He half-smiled but kept nodding his head.

Now that I dug the hole, I tried: “LA and Vegas are similar — a lot of hopeful people gambling on a big score, but will probably crap out.”

It was all I could think to say. He continued nodding, lost in thought.

I Turn Los Angeles Teams Into Winners

I moved to Los Angeles in 1991.

Two years later the Kings made it to the Stanley Cup finals for the first time. They won the Cup in 2012 and 2014 when I lived a block away from Staples.

In 2000, the Lakers started an amazing series of NBA Championship wins including 2000, 2001, 2002, 2009, and 2010.

After several months sabbatical in Ohio, I returned to LA in spring of 2017. The Dodgers immediately run the table to make the World Series and take a 1-0 lead at this writing.

In short, I have positive influence on LA major league sports teams except football and roller derby, and I’m happy to do my part.

3 Crazy Fun Facts About the Los Angeles Lakers

The Lakers were founded in 1947. That was an interesting year. The defribillator was invented that same year, a device that has come in handy for Lakers fans having heart attacks when they realize what they are paying for an average ticket.

Jerry, a longtime fan, said, “$600 for one ticket? For what? They’ve been terrible. Hell I can my whole family including my 15 cousins into thte state fair for that price, and we get to see a dinosaur in a battlle with a rodeo bull. I mean, it’s something.”

The LA Lakers started as the Minneapolis Lakers in Minnesota. The team name is in reference to the state’s nickname, “Land of 10,000 Lakes.”

An Iowan named Chester commented, “Yeah, well that nickname was inspired by Iowa’s nickname: “Land of 10,000 Pigs That Can Sing the National Anthem.”

The Lakers had one of the biggest stars in the league of the time, George Mikan. Nicknamed “Mr. Basketball,” there is even a popular practice activity named after him called the Mikan Drill.

A local coach explained: “Now the Mikan Drill is when you get under the basket and cry because you were the biggest star in the league and got bupkus while today a benchwarming point guard for the 76ers gets $57 million.”

Missed My Bus Again

I missed my bus again
I know it was dumb but
I missed my bus again
Yes it was stupid but
I missed my bus again
Can you do me a huge favor and
Give me a ride home

I missed my bus again
I know it was dumb but
I missed my bus again
Yes it was stupid but
I missed my bus again
Can you do me a huge favor and
Give me a ride home

I’d appreciate it

© 2016 Joe Ditzel and Ditzelize Music