This is the Year I Lose Weight and Other Fantasies

After yo-yoing from 180 pounds to 237 pounds and points between for several years, I’ve resolved to make 2018 the year I finally get back to a healthy weight.

Hahahahahaha. Ahem.

Every year the most popular resolution is to lose weight, making up a third of all New Year’s resolutions. Yet chances are good my weight loss resolution will fail soon. Just over 20 percent of resolutions fail within a week, 40 percent after 30 days, and 50 percent after 90 days.

Still, I’m going to give it my best shot. Here are three ways I’m going to fight to lose weight this year.

Bury Food in the Forest

The problem with our society is food is too readily available. By burying all my food in the forest, I’ll think twice before going to get a snack. Gee, I’d like to eat some potato chips during the football game, but it will take me 20 minutes to hike outside, half an hour to dig up the food, and another 20 to hike back, and I’ll still forget the dip.

Junk Food Everywhere

Trying to eat healthy food that can help you lose weight is hard because healthy food is scarce while junk food is everywhere. To combat this problem for 2018, I’m considering only eating fresh bananas I can carry on my head under my golf hat.

Ex-Girlfriend Photo Hat Extension

Losing weight is easier when you add revenge to your motivation. Several of my exes left me because I was “too fat.” I built an extension ring I wear on my head that allows me to see their photos all day. Every time I’m about to eat a bag of chips, I see their condescending faces. So far it seems to work, although I noticed something weird: Many girls I date look a lot like my mom. Should I be concerned?

Vibrating at a Higher Level

“When you eat right, kids, you vibrate at a higher level.”

I like clicking on random Facebook Live videos coming over my feed. I clicked on one featuring a diet specialist. I need help here, so I’m open to new information.

“It’s true, folks, your body vibrates at a higher level when you eat right.”

My body vibrates? At a higher level?

How does that work? What if I am at the movies, and the people behind me say, “Excuse me, sir, your body is vibrating too much, could you turn it down? We can’t see the screen.”

What if I get pulled over by a police officer and she says, “Sir, your body is vibrating. Please step out of the car.”

What if I am applying for a job, and the interviewer says, “You look like a good fit, but your vibrating will freak out our clients.”

I need to lose weight, but I’m not sure I’m comfortable with my body vibrating all over town.