Loria Claims $140+ Million Loss on Billion Dollar Sale of Marlins

Former Florida Marlins owner Jeffrey Loria previously agreed if the team was sold within ten years of his purchase of the team in 2008, the city of Miami and Miami/Dade county would receive five percent of the profits. Derek Jeter bought the team within that time frame, so the city and county get their cut, right?

Uh, no.

Loria’s attorneys say there was no profit on the $1.2 billion sale of the team.

Exsqueeze me?

They say they actually lost over $140 million due to underlying debt, deductions and taxes tied to the deal.

Right.

For example, he claimed a $30 million deduction for advisers who helped structure the sale. Other deductions he is rumored to have claimed include:

—$10,000 bath towels with the team logo on them.

—$19,000,000 in Florida lottery tickets, saying he had a better chance of hitting lotto than a Marlins win.

—$4,000,000 to build accommodations for the 1,000 paparazzi following Jeter around every day.

—$10,000,000 to consultants who proposed a merger with the Cleveland Browns (yes, the Browns) and moving the combined team to London, England.

—$25,000,000 for construction of a 15-level skybox for his personal use. Locals say he likes to sit on the top level and drops eggs on fans below.

Those are just rumors, so I don’t know. But come on.

3 Almost True Facts About The Miami Hurricanes

The University of Miami Hurricanes football team started with just a bunch of freshman in 1926. The sophomore, juniors and seniors were too busy surfing and trying to meet girls coming down for spring break from Ohio. In the very first game, they beat Rollins College playing in front of 304 fans. Actually, there were 300 fans and 4 scouts from the Miami Dolphins.

They had a perfect 8-0 record in their very first year, beating University of Havana twice, once on Thanksgiving and once on Christmas day. For the Christmas game, the Hurricanes gave them boxes of oranges and the Havana team gave Miami boxes of “bananas” with Cuban cigars inside.

The origin of the name Hurricanes is unclear, although some people say it is named after a 1926 Hurricane. Others say it was thought up by a student after he heard the school was thinking of using some local flora or fauna as the team name. Quick thinking, dear student–I’m sure local plants like the Spineless Acacia, a local type of tree would have been a disaster. Go Spineless Acacias!!!!