This is the Year I Lose Weight and Other Fantasies

After yo-yoing from 180 pounds to 237 pounds and points between for several years, I’ve resolved to make 2018 the year I finally get back to a healthy weight.

Hahahahahaha. Ahem.

Every year the most popular resolution is to lose weight, making up a third of all New Year’s resolutions. Yet chances are good my weight loss resolution will fail soon. Just over 20 percent of resolutions fail within a week, 40 percent after 30 days, and 50 percent after 90 days.

Still, I’m going to give it my best shot. Here are three ways I’m going to fight to lose weight this year.

Bury Food in the Forest

The problem with our society is food is too readily available. By burying all my food in the forest, I’ll think twice before going to get a snack. Gee, I’d like to eat some potato chips during the football game, but it will take me 20 minutes to hike outside, half an hour to dig up the food, and another 20 to hike back, and I’ll still forget the dip.

Junk Food Everywhere

Trying to eat healthy food that can help you lose weight is hard because healthy food is scarce while junk food is everywhere. To combat this problem for 2018, I’m considering only eating fresh bananas I can carry on my head under my golf hat.

Ex-Girlfriend Photo Hat Extension

Losing weight is easier when you add revenge to your motivation. Several of my exes left me because I was “too fat.” I built an extension ring I wear on my head that allows me to see their photos all day. Every time I’m about to eat a bag of chips, I see their condescending faces. So far it seems to work, although I noticed something weird: Many girls I date look a lot like my mom. Should I be concerned?

3 Crazy Facts About New Year’s Day

God of Doors

The Romans dedicated New Year’s Day to Janus, the god of doors, gates and openings. If that’s the case, why didn’t they dedicate the end of the year to the Roman God Anus, the god of endings and exits?

Gonna Lose Weight and Run Every Day – Yeah, Right

Folks in Tudor, England used to celebrate New Year’s Day on March 25. This happened before the Gregorian calendar, but I kind of like it since I don’t get my New Year’s resolutions started until around March 25th anyway.

America’s Religion

New Year’s Day has been an important day through history for many religions, and that is still the case in America today.

The most important religion in America is football. There were some routs on New Year’s Day in 2016.

-Stanford beat Iowa 45-16 in the Rose Bowl.

-Michigan stuffed Florida 41-7 in the Citrus Bowl.

-Ohio State crushed the Fighting Irish 44-28 in the Fiesta Bowl.

-Heck, let’s go ahead and count a Dec. 31 game in this tally because Alabama SPANKED Michigan State 38-0 in the Cotton Bowl.

Let’s be honest: the Big Ten didn’t come out so well in this series of games, but my take right now is in the religion of football, the Big Ten has to do less praying and more testifying…to the spirit of winning.

3 Crazy Facts About New Year’s Eve

In many countries, New Year’s Eve is known as Saint Sylvester’s Day. No, they didn’t make Sylvester the Cat into a saint. Saint Sylvester used to be plain old Pope Sylvester before he was promoted. He was pope from 314 until he died in 335. He was buried on Dec 31st, 335, and that day remains Saint Sylvester’s Day in many German-speaking countries. One historian I talked to told me, “I still think they should make Sylvester the Cat into a saint. Or at least Wile E. Coyote.”

In Quebec, Canada, many people go ice fishing on New Year’s Eve. Sounds like fun. At least you have plenty of ice for your cocktail.

In Mexico, they’ve adopted a tradition from Spain called the 12 grapes. You eat 12 grapes in 12 seconds, one for each of the final bongs of the clock on the New Year’s countdown. They say it’s harder than it looks. Come on!

“Twelve, eleven, ten, oops…,nine, wait, back up, oops, dropped another one, WAAAAIIIITTTT!!!