Cable TV news programs have way too many guest commentators. And each guest has a title that is wwaaayyy too long.
A promo for a local news weather team says, “Hey we are just like family members.”
Listen, i don’t need more family members. I’m trying to get away from my family members.
Do you really want a family member giving you the weather?
“Hey, Uncle Ned, what’s the weather?”
“It’s February in Ohio! It’s going to snow! Whaddyaexpect, ya dummy?”
In the news…
A thief took time to cook some tater tots and take a nap at a home he was burglarizing. The police served him justice in 60 seconds.
Vacationing Swedish police officers broke up a fight on the subway in New York City. They knocked them out with meatballs and then had a sauna.
A thief took advantage of a sleeping gas station attendant to drag out an entire cooler full of Good Humor ice cream treats. The thief got away, the attendant got coned.
China is starting to put the hammer down on prostitutes at funerals in rural villages. The government wants the farmers to concentrate on plowing the fields.
There has been a string of coyote sightings in Manhattan in the last year. The appearances closely match a similar series of roadrunner sightings.
Drexel University accidentally sent acceptance letters to 500 people that should not have received them. So please welcome Joe Ditzel, Drexel University class of 2019.
A man in Indiana had to be rescued after he wedged into a wall trying to escape the police. After his extraction, he told the cops he looked next to him inside the wall and was surprised to find Jimmy Hoffa.
A student in Washington state was suspended after he wore a fake bomb as part of his “promposal” pitch to ask a young woman to the dance. Though the joke was a dud, the school board tried to defuse the outcry, calling his tactic explosive and incendiary.
In the news…
Tikker is a watch that uses your health history to give you a countdown on how much time you have left to live. Right now, I have 12 hr:37 min.
The inventor of the selfie stick says when he introduced it in 1983 it was a flop. He was going to comment on its wild popularity now, but he was recently murdered.
Gwyneth Paltrow is divorcing Chris Martin 12 months after their “conscious uncoupling.” She said she would rather divorce than have to listen to any more Coldplay.
A Michigan woman received a multi-year jail sentence for firing a gun at a McDonald’s after her hamburger came out without bacon twice in a row. Only two days later, another woman thew a grenade into a McDonald’s because her burger was missing the pickles.
Officials of the Venice section of Los Angeles want to allow topless sunbathing. To ease resident’s fears, they say there would be no topless sunbathing allowed by minors, Scottish people or William Shatner.
A dad used a drone to follow his daughter to school to ensure her safety. His wife used the same drone to follow him to his mistress’ apartment.
Google has a new wireless service that pays you back for data you don’t use. I wish they would reimburse me for my time trying to make sense of Google+.
A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by shooting it eight times with a revolver. Amazingly, the PC turned on but still locked up when he tried to play Solitaire.
A man in Colorado vented his frustrations with a PC by unloading 8 rounds into it. Sadly, tech support finally returned his call 10 minutes later.
Microsoft is bringing back the popular game Solitaire for Windows 10. Games that didn’t make the cut include “Microsoft Office – Last Stand of a Fading Giant” and “Microsoft – The Next Altavista.”
An entertainment news site published a feature today on a popular news item, adding nothing and simply explaining the obvious. The headline of the story suggested that the site had uncovered new details, but the wording of the story artfully re-explained old news while breathlessly appearing to seem like new information.
“We are interested in views and clicks to our stories,” the managing editor revealed in a recent phone interview. “Because of the constant need for fresh and exciting news on dull events, we create the illusion there is more going on than is actually happening.
“The trick is to reword each item, and then add personal ‘takes’ like ‘It’s good to see this celebrity is getting back on track,’ or ‘We love this TV show and look forward to the entire cast emerging from rehab.’ It’s these flourishes that give the story new energy and zip.”
Apple Computer’s popular Itunes service has pulled Albert Hammond’s “It Never Rains in Southern California” from the on-line store. Recent thunderstorms throughout the Los Angeles area prompted the action. “At this point in time we felt it best to protect our loyal Southern California customers from this song,” Apple’s Robert Shystberg told a press conference this morning at the Beverly Hilton.
“It is difficult enough to drive on slightly wet pavement, much less listen to this melancholy song that has proven to be inaccurate and does nothing to improve our overall well-being,” L.A. resident Kyle Klopsy told reporters.
This guy is caught stealing whole chunks from comedians like Patton Oswalt and Dave Attell. Yes, word for word. Oy vey.
Kevin James’ comedy ‘Zookeeper’, a mix of live action and animation, has been moved to a summer 2011 release date.
HBO has renewed Curb Your Enthusiasm for an eighth season.
According to Reuters NBC may be bringing Paul Reiser back to TV.
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like fireworks.
There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
“Because I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.”
“That’s no reason! What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?”
“Then,” said Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
Joan Rivers– terrorist?
From the Site: The Onion is a national publication and website that offers award-winning news and views that readers can't get anywhere else. Every week, our attention grabbing headlines and photojournalism paint a unique picture of the world. More than 3 million people read The Onion each week, online and in print in select cities, making it by far the most popular news organization in its class. A million more listen to Onion Radio News coast to coast. In 2007, The Onion launched Onion News Network, its 24-hour video news network.