Why Did I Have to Learn Cursive Writing?

What was the point of learning cursive writing? In the U.S., oldsters remember learning how to print letters, then later learning how to write the same letters in cursive. Why? That’s like learning how to speak English, and then learning “Ohioan,” which is close to English but includes words like “warsh” (wash) and “sweeper” (vacuum cleaner), or “pop” (soda).

Like this: “Before I do the warsh and run the sweeper, I’m going to have me a pop.”

Browns Welcome Johnny Manziel Again?

Cleveland Browns hold out hope for a Johnny Manziel return when he refused to cut a deal with the Hamilton Tiger-Cats of the Canadian Football League?

Some team leaders were quoted as saying: “He was the most fun we ever had here. Kid was unpredictable. Really made coming to work fun because you never knew if he would even show up.” One assistant said, “The only thing more fun than Johnny was the annual Browns Family Picnic and Dunk Tank. I made Mr. Haslam drop in the water. Hilarious.”

 

The Godz – Gotta Keep A Runnin’ to the Bank

The Godz were an Ohio-based rock band who had a couple hits in the 70s from their debut album “The Godz,” including “Gotta Keep a Runnin.”

One of the band members worked at a bank at the time called BancOne.

BancOne should have used their music in their TV ads.

lol BancOne should have used their music in the ads.

Video: The Godz ride through Columbus on their motorcycles and pull up to an ATM.

Voiceover: “Are you a rock and roll machine driving all over town? You gotta keep a running with BancOne’s handy ATM machines located everywhere you go.”

Video: Band members roll down High Street past Ohio State and into the distance.

The Godz “Gotta Keep a Runnin'” rises during outro.

Meg? Is that you, Meg?

In one of my first food deliveries, I went to the wrong address.

I transposed the last two numbers in my cranium. It was also the first time I didn’t bring the phone with me to the door, preventing me from checking the details when things went south.

A guy came to the door. “Meg?”

“No.”

“You didn’t order food?”

“No!” he said and shut the door.

Some neighbors on a porch nearby watched with amusement.

“None of you are Meg, are you?”

“That’s two doors down,” one said helpfully, pointing.

“Ohhhh! Thanks!”

I went two doors down and knocked. No answer.

Back to car.

The phone rang.

The real Meg was waiting TEN doors down.

She said, “I called because I could see you on the app but you weren’t here!”

Oh, I was at the right place, I thought.

If you lived ten doors north of here.

What the Hell is This BS?

I try to go to the grocery store late at night. But this time, it couldn’t be helped. So there I was at a busy grocery south of OSU right around 6pm. It was packed.

I prefer the self-checkout line. It’s usually faster. But the line was seriously backed up and starting to snake around behind the regular lanes.

An older guy in a yellow suit two people behind me had enough. He started yelling at the top of his lungs, dropping F-bombs like a WWII B-52 carpet-bombing factories.

“What the hell is this bull****??!!” he yelled. (I invite you to drop the F-bombs in there where you like. Wherever you decide to put them will be right because it was every other word.)

Now, it’s not unusual to have crazy characters yelling around this store. They congregate here.

But, this guy was off the charts.

At first, people pulled back, not knowing what he might do next. Is he insane?

He kept yelling, telling the employees what they were doing wrong, dumbfounded they had let the line get so long and that no one seemed to care.

He continued barking orders and yelling at employees as if he owned the joint.

And it was working. He was so angry and emphatic, so loud and profane, the young workers started running around to escape his wrath.

Suddenly the entire store was humming with efficiency. New cashiers appeared out of thin air to open previously closed lanes.

The lines started moving. Bags filled with groceries, machines jangled and beeped, and customers rushed out to their cars, just happy to be out of the chaos. The logjam began to loosen up.

The f***s kept coming, flying through the air before pounding the ground like thousands of hailstones bouncing off a country road during a summer storm in Texas.

He turned to me. “See, they were just being f-bomb lazy!”

“Well, your method is working. Are you in the grocery business?”

“Nah, I’m a chef.”

Something tells me he has things under control in the kitchen.

Late Night Facial Surgery

Walking the dog on a late night stroll in the Short North, we walked by the bars around 130am. Two girls came dancing out of Bar 23 ahead of their boyfriends, and went into a Fred Astaire-type dance step together south on High Street. They looked at each other and laughed as they picked up speed. The girl nearest the street turned her gaze back in front of her just as she plowed straight into a street sign pole with her face. KERRANNGGG!!! The sign shook and vibrated as her head snapped straight back.

Careful with those vodka shots, kids.

3 Fun Facts About the Columbus Blue Jackets

The Blue Jackets were founded in 2000. That was a crazy year. That same year, Lars Ulrich of Metallica started a lawsuit against Napster, which was a file sharing program that allowed people to share songs for free, which is of course illegal. But why did Lars file the lawsuit? He’s the drummer. Maybe James Hetfield said to the band, “Listen, boys, let’s have Lars file the lawsuit. It takes the heat off the band a bit, and everyone knows drummers are a little crazy.”

The Blue Jackets name recalls the state’s history in the Civil War. Not the War Between the States — The War Between the Real Estate Companies. A professor at Ohio University in Athens explained, “Legend has it that Ohio was ground zero between the battle of the real estate agents with yellow jackets and the local group with blue jackets. The battle lasted 21 days, ending only when the blue side sold a four-plex next to a strip mall for 20 percent over market value, soundly defeating the yellow jackets.”

The Blue Jackets play at Nationwide Arena. A company spokesperson said, “Of all the great things about Nationwide Arena, we are perhaps best known as the home of the world’s largest T-shirt launching Gatling gun. We can launch 1,000 T-shirts every minute into the crowd at hockey games, basketball games, and many other events. It’s not flawless, though. Normally, it moves back and forth as it fires the shirts into the crowd. One time it got stuck, and shirts kept piling up on this family from Coshocton. It took us three days to dig them out.”

3 Things You Should Know about Ohio Stadium

Ohio Stadium, also known as “The Horseshoe,” or more commonly “The Shoe,” and home of the Ohio State University Buckeyes, opened for business in 1922. It was built largely to handle the crowds who came out to see Buckeye legend Chic Harley, who was an amazing player both offensively and defensively. One Buckeye fan said, “You know it’s the same with my wife. You have to be good on both offense and defense. On offense, you need to be creative with the stories you tell her. On defense, you need to be able to bob and weave quickly to avoid being hit by various pots, pans and kitchen utensils.”

Ohio Stadium is the third biggest football stadium in the country. Columbus, site of the Ohio State fair, where they show the third largest rooting pig in the country. His name is Henry, and he is owned by farmer Oliver P. Pickle. Mr. Pickle said, “Henry is an eating machine. That boy will eat just about anything you set in front of them. One time, we came back from church, and we had stopped off to the local diner for some post church breakfast. Well, we walk out on the sidewalk and we see a fellow they’re selling leather billfolds, wallets and other whatnot. I need a new leather scabbard for my Japanese sword I bought on QVC, so we bought one of them, and cousin Ivan selected a nice variety of wallets that he plans to give out to his nephews at Christmas. Well, no sooner had we got out of the truck, but Henry stuck his big nose in there, pulled the bag out of the floor next to the passenger seat, and proceeded to eat every wallet, billfold and scabbard we had purchased that day. I mean it was a tragedy. But it didn’t hurt Henry but none, in fact I think he was walking a little prouder after that. Gosh darn if I can explain it.”

The original seating capacity of Ohio Stadium was 66,210 fans. The population of the city at that time was approximately 250,000 people. That means that 25 percent of the city could fit inside the stadium. “Yes, we knew right away that we could use the stadium for much more than football,” a city official said. “In the off-season, we use to open a summer camp for kids. We blocked off the open side of the shoe with giant fences made of buckeyes, mud, straw and peeled off labels from root beer bottles. Then we’d fill up the issue with water so the kids could swim from an zoned to end zone. Some of the more athletic kids would get up on top of the field goal markers, swing their body around to get some sharp typical force going, and fling themselves out to the 50 yard line before they splashed. One kid hit wrong, and he had more red marks on his body then a slice of pimento loaf.”

Humorist Publishes “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems in Ohio”

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

(Los Angeles, CA , Jan 11, 2017) – Los Angeles based comedian and humorist Joe Ditzel recently published the latest book in his Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems series called “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems in Ohio.” Born and raised there, Ditzel said he visits Ohio often from his current home in Los Angeles.

“People tell me all the time about crazy characters in LA. That’s true, but I think Ohio has just as many, just different,” Ditzel said. “I was born in Ohio and then we moved around a lot, only to return after I got out of high school. I went to Ohio U. in Athens and worked in the state before heading to LA. So I know the people pretty well. Hopefully they’ll go along with the humor in the book, or I’m dead.”

“Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems in Ohio” can be read on his site JoeDitzel.com or purchased at Amazon here.

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Joe Ditzel is an award-winning comedian and prolific humor writer with 8 books in the essay collection series, “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems.” For further information, please contact Joe Ditzel at [email protected]

CONTACT:

Joe Ditzel
[email protected]
www.joeditzel.com

 

3 More Fun Facts About the Cleveland Indians

The Indians ball club first played in 1894 in Grand Rapids, Michigan as the Grand Rapids Rustlers. They moved to to Cleveland in 1900 and changed their name to the Cleveland Lake Shores. This name didn’t go over big with some local fans. One fan said, “Sure, Lake Shores. Why not? Very threatening. Ooh, I’m shaking in my boots. If we are going geographically-wise, why not call them the creek beds, or the river banks, yeah, the Cleveland Cuyahoga River River Banks. No? Of course not.”

Some newspapers called the Grand Rapids Rustlers the Rippers. One of their opponents was the Kansas City Blues, known by some papers as the Kansas City Cowboys. Did newspapers in the late 1800s and early 1900s make up names for teams willy nilly? A reporter from that era said, “Heck yeah, we tried to make up as crazy names as possible. Before they were called the Yankees, I always called them the Overpaids, and I called Boston the Beans, and referred to Philadelphia’s team as the Waiting Room before Retirements.”

The Indians were one of the first charter franchises of the American League in 1901. The other teams were the Baltimore Orioles, Chicago White Stockings, Detroit Tigers, Washington Senators, Milwaukee Brewers, Philadelphia Athletics and the Boston Americans. A league official said they looked at and rejected a bid from Akron, Ohio. A league official told the newspapers, “We had to reject Akron because they wanted to put bowling lanes for the fans at each level of their stadium. They guaranteed a sellout every home game, but the noise of the balls and the pins would have been too distracting.”