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Travel Joke: Are You Going to San Diego?

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down.

The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?” “Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?” “Not for me. I’ll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I’ll give you $100 for your trouble.” “I’d be happy to,” said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and carefully strapped into their seat belts. Off they went.

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified!! There was the blonde walking down the street and holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde. “What the heck are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo.”

“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde, “but we had money left over, so now we’re going to Sea World.”

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Travel and Places

The Greatest City in the World

(This article was written just after the 9/11 tragedy.)

“Sorry about that,” a guy in a tuxedo and white scarf said after he bumped into me outside Caroline’s comedy club.

“This IS New York, right?” I asked our next cabbie.

“Yes, mon,” he said, smiling beneath a shock of dreads, showing two rows of gold and silver teeth, “the greatest city in the world.”

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Travel and Places

Add a Quart of Triple Bock Every 5,000 Miles

I did my stand-up schtick at the Comedy Studio in Cambridge on Thursday night and I had all day Friday free. Where should I go in Boston- a city full of historical and cultural attractions- the Museum of Fine Arts, which has the most Monets outside of Paris? The New England Aquarium, home of over 7,000 aquatic animals from around the world? The John Hancock Observatory on the 60th floor of New England’s tallest building? Faneuil Hall? Freedom Trail? Beacon Hill? The Old North Church?

I went on a brewery tour.

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Travel and Places

Casino

I just returned from a golf weekend in Vegas. The casino construction is out of control. These are some of the new casinos going up:

* Akron, Akron- inspired by the success of New York, New York, this casino is in the shape of a giant bowling alley. The slot machine handles are bowling pins. All patrons must wear bowling shoes.

* Toothless Grin Casino- the sportsbook at this casino allows you to bet on the winners of fights that break out during Hockey Night in Canada.

* The Liberace Casino- shaped like a giant piano, you can ride elevators to the revolving restaurant at the top of the candelabra.

* The Heartbreak Hotel Casino- a 20 story casino shaped like Elvis’ head. Every hour a plane load of Flying Elvis’ drop on to the front lawn.

* The Dead Pool Casino- specializes in taking bets on when celebrities will drop dead.

* The Wedding Chapel Casino- Marriage is a gamble. So why not get married right in a casino? Features a sports book where guests can take odds on the success of your union.

* The E-Trade Casino- not for the faint of heart. All gaming is done on-line. Instead of gambling on old line games like Blackjack, these new games have names like “Amazon” and “E-Bay”.

* The Dennis Rodman Casino- the roof of this casino changes colors to exactly match The Worm’s current hair color.

* The Former Child Star Casino- the main show features Dana Plato, Tina Yothers and Brandon Cruz singing a medley of theme songs form Different Strokes, Family Ties and The Courthip of Eddie’s Father.

* The Victoria’s Secret Casino- all the dealers wear Victoria’s Secret Catalog items. Except the guys- they wear Harry Conick masks.

* The Catholic Casino- the chips are different colored hosts. Do they serve alcohol? Is the Pope Catholic?

* The My Way Casino- a tribute to Vegas of the 60’s, the main floor show features animatronic characters that recreate the magic of the Rat Pack. In the casino, animatronic mobsters take card cheats into the desert where they are whacked.

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Travel and Places

St. Louis Blues

I had an hour and a half before my connecting flight out of Lambert International Airport in St. Louis. I checked the map on the wall. There was a big red dot that said YOU ARE HERE. My gate was on the other side of the TWA terminal. I started to mosey down the hall. Maybe I’ll buy a USA TODAY. I yawned, still tired from getting up at 4am to make my 6am flight out of Hartford.

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