Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Problem

Cars and Traffic
Joe Ditzel

The Rise of The LA Traffic Monsters

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It started with “Carmageddon,” the closing of the I-405 freeway on July 15, 2011 to renovate the Sepelveda Pass exits. It was followed by “Carmageddon II,” the weekend of Sep. 29 and 30, 2012, when road crews attacked the Mulholland Drive Bridge to demolish and replace it.

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General
Joe Ditzel

Road Kill

Many people in LA fit the laid-back Southern California image. Others need to increase their Prozac dosage. Like the guy I accidentally cut off on the freeway once. He was going around 220 M.P.H. when my safe lane change apparently impeded his forward progress. He slowed to within inches of my rear bumper, showing his displeasure by honking wildly and flashing his lights. Ok, ok. I decided to move over to let his highness pass.

Unfortunately, this was at the same time he decided to go around me. So now he thinks I am playing with him and he is really mad. He is so close to me now he’s sitting in the passenger seat. He swings around to the right side and pulls up next to me, weaving back and forth, missing hitting my car by millimeters.

Finally, I said to myself- that’s enough for me! Time to go. I shot past him. He came after me. I exited the freeway and watched him follow me. I headed south along the Pacific Coast Highway. At the first stop light he came up right behind me. All four doors opened. There is more than one guy. There are four.

Oddly, they just stood there yelling at me. I thought they were coming over to club me. The light turned green and I took off. They jumped back in came after me. I weaved in and out of traffic. “Road King” followed as close as he could. I kept looking over my shoulder to see if he was still there. I felt like Maverick in Top Gun, “I’ve got a bogie at seven o’clock!”

I came to a stop at the next light. They pulled up behind me again. The doors opened – they got out again. But again they stood there.

Then I heard it. Boom! Boom! Boom! Boom!

They were pelting my car with beer bottles. But, most of the bottles hit my convertible roof and bounced like kids in the bounce house at McDonald’s. I took off when the light changed. They didn’t get back in the car in time. I shot down a side street. See ya.

It never rains in Southern California. Except beer bottles.

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Health
Joe Ditzel

Letting Go

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Why do I look like Tommy Lasorda? Why is it so hard to lose weight? Because our society encourages us to eat too much. I went to a movie last week and I saw a sign behind the concession that said, “FREE REFILL ON 130 OUNCE COKES.” I like Coke, but the last thing I want after 130 ounces of Coke is another 130 ounces of Coke! Hey, can you show the movie in the men’s room because that’s where I’ll be for two hours.

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Uncategorized
Joe Ditzel

Class Notes

I graduated from Ohio University in Athens, Ohio. The university has an area on their web-site called Class Notes. Alumni can update their friends on what they’ve been up to since graduation. I eagerly entered my information:

Hello, fellow Bobcats! What a time I’ve had since graduation in 1983. During our graduation ceremony I was spotted by a modeling agency and whisked away for test shots in New York. I didn’t even have time to pay the $5,000 in parking tickets I had accumulated since freshman year.

Soon I was People magazine’s “World’s Most Handsome Man”, dating princesses and filling in as guest host on Entertainment Tonight Weekend Edition.

After 5 years of existing on cigarettes, I sat on the beach in Cannes and thought about my next career move. From the beach I could see a woman screaming for help as she thrashed in the surf. The lifeguard was busy ordering a baguette from a stand near the Palais de Festivals. I raced out to save her. At first she struggled. Then she realized who I was and relaxed while I dragged her to shore. I turned her on her side and 15 gallons of ocean water and 2 gallons of oil from the Exxon Valdez poured on the sand.

She turned out to be the mission director of a manned space flight to Mars. She believed I could help the mission because my high profile would be good for publicity. I trained for 1 ½ days and joined the Mars team. We landed on Mars, got out, and looked around. It looked a lot like Palm Springs. So we made arrangements to develop Mars into a planned golf community complete with houses with little garages for golf carts.

Seeking a new challenge, I had some fraternity brothers hack into the Ohio University computer and change all my grades to A’s.

Armed with a new GPA I enrolled in Harvard Medical School. We learned about the Jarvik Heart, the world’s first man made heart. Inspired by the story, I developed the Ditzel Liver. It was first tested on Ohio University seniors. However, it did not have the intended result. Equipped with brand new livers, the seniors decided to start over as freshman and party another four years.

And now, you too, can enjoy the benefits of a brand new liver. Just log on to www.ditzelliver.com and fill out the questionnaire. Your new liver will be shipped Next Day Air from our lab in my spare bedroom. You’ll get complete self-surgery instructions. In no time at all you’ll be back in the Dog Pound cheering on the Browns.

Thanks, Bobcats! See you soon!

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Joe
Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Gift Guide

For my birthday last year, a couple of relatives said to me, “I didn’t know what to get you, so here is a gift certificate.”

To eliminate any doubt about what to get me, I have created the Joe Ditzel Gift Guide. I welcome any of these great gifts:

* Ferrari F355 Spider Convertible- $140,000. If you buy this car for me I’ll thank you with a coupon for a free Jiffy Lube. Every body needs a good Jiffy Lube now and then.

* Tour of American Strip Clubs- forget the Bike Ride Across Iowa or the African Safari for adventure vacations. I want to tour America’s Finest Strip Clubs with a big stack of 20’s.

* I’ll start with the Cheetah III in Atlanta. Round of Golf with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nucleus and Alice Cooper – as a golfer it is my dream to play golf with Arena and Jack. As far as Alice, I want a chance to win back some of the money I spent from my paper route on “School’s Out” and “Billion Dollar Babies” in the 70’s.

* Case of Makers Mark Bourbon- Makers Mark has the greatest ad slogan ever: “Tastes expensive. And is.” Makes Jack Daniel taste like bourbon strained through old socks.

* Hair- my hair is receding from my temples and meeting in the middle, leaving an island of hair in the front. If you look close, you can see Gilligan and the Skipper waving. I look forward to your gift of a case of Rogaine.

* Heidi Klum.

I’ll add to the list as I think of things. However, you do not need to wait until my birthday to send me any of these items.

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Health
Joe Ditzel

13 Week Medical School

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Another group of medical researchers just determined that a high fat diet is NOT linked to a higher risk for cancer. I never know what to believe. Still, if I get sick, I’m happy I can be sick at this time in history. I’ve been reading about the history of medicine and we don’t know how good we have it.

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