Name a Cockroach After Your Lover for Valentine’s Day

Would you like to name a cockroach after your loved one? Well, now you can!

The Bronx Zoo is allowing people to name one of their ten thousand or so Madagascar cockroaches after their loved one. You give them 10 bucks and they’ll give you a digital certificate that certifies that one of their cockroaches is named after your Valentine.

For $25 you can get a printed certificate and they’ll throw in some free chocolates from a local confectionery — that’s just an added bonus. Hey, good ideas from the Bronx Zoo to get people involved. I think this what they should do since they’re using their sense of humor to get people to name cockroaches after their Valentine: For $100, the Bronx Zoo will unload a BOX of cockroaches into the home of your EX.

That might be their best seller.

5 Things You Should Never Do After Sex

Sex is an intimate act between you and your lover. Don’t ruin it with any of these after-party antics.

1. Do not stand on one side of the room and applaud your partner.

2. Do not stand in the window buck nekkid while you order a pizza.

3. Do not wrap yourself in the blankets and start reciting quotes from Dr. Zhivago.

4. Do not weep uncontrollably.

5. Do not turn on the TV and start checking sports scores against your wagers, crying out, “The Broncos! Those damn Broncos cost me again!”

7 Signs Your Relationship is on Life Support

There are some very clear signs your significant other and you are heading for the rocks. Take heed.

Addicted to Netflix

Your SO can’t tear themselves away from Netflix to shower, eat or go to work.

Toaster Oven Abuse

it wouldn't broilYou come home to find your SO violently bashing the toaster oven in the wall because it won’t broil correctly.

Strange Emails

You SO is having lengthy email conversations with someone in the Nigerian royal family who just needs them to hold $375,000,000 for a short time.

Friends Disapprove

Be careful if ALL your friends disapprove of your SO. This is especially true if your SO offers to pay them to say good things.

Voices In Their Head

Do you catch your SO talking to themselves at all hours of the day and night? Get the divorce papers ready.

TV Golf Fan

If your SO suddenly becomes a fan of golf on TV, things have gone horribly wrong. Nothing is more boring than golf on TV.

Cheese Singles

Is your SO buying those cheese packages with slices that are each wrapped individually? Sorry, it’s over.

Relationships are tough. Watch for these signs that your SO is losing interest. Or just losing their mind in general.

7 Things To Avoid Before Sex

Sex can be good and it can be bad.

Meaning I can be bad sometimes.

OK, most of the time.

Either way, you’ll ruin your romantic interludes for sure if you don’t avoid these things right before sex.

 

Call your broker.

Courtesy Florida Memory via Flickr Commons
Courtesy Florida Memory via Flickr Commons

 

Call your mother.

Courtesy George Eastman House via Flickr Commons
Courtesy George Eastman House via Flickr Commons

 

Do tricks with the dog.

Courtesy National Archief via Flickr Commons
Courtesy National Archief via Flickr Commons

 

Review your stamp collection.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

 

Play industrial metal music.

pd- machinery - machine - industry - 1280w - Image from page 344 of Illustrated catalogue and general description of improved machine tools for w 14770358431
Courtesy Internet Archive

 

Build those new shelves from Ikea.

Courtesy Internet Archive
Courtesy Internet Archive

 

Break out a checkerboard.

Courtesy Thad Zajdowicz via Flickr Public Domain

An Open Letter to Fall

I like you, fall, but you don’t like me — so noncommital. Like many ex-girlfriends, you arrive, leave, come back, run away and then come back again, only to stay for a few months before icing me out completely.

Why the hesitation, autumn? I love you for you. The cool nights, the sound of football in the air, the constant indecision on how many layers to wear because the temperature changes 35 degrees every 15 minutes.

It’s time for you to make a decision. Will you stay or will you go?

Guy Has Bachelor Party Alone When Friend’s Flights Get Cancelled

Jors Grodirlssonas was bummed that none of his friends were able to attend his bachelor party.

“All their flights got cancelled. I believe them. They are good mates.”

“I live in a remote area and the flights are sketchy in good weather,” he laughed.

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Vik, ca 1897-1907. 12608999563
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

“Nobody came to give me shots. So I drank them myself.”

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Solvorn, ca. 1898. 12609016293
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

“No one in town even came over. So I sang bawdy songs by myself.”

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Landscape, ca. 1888-1925. 12608921035
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

“We were going to drink shots in the bars of my little town. OK, it’s one bar. But no one came to drink with me. So I put on naughty hats and sang and drank.”

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Hauge church, Lærdal, ca. 1897-1907. 12609328764
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

“I celebrated alone in my house on the mountain.”

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Farmstead, ca. 1898-1910. 12608909945
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

“This is my little brother. He felt bad for me, but he couldn’t have shots. He’s too young.”

Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane-stereo view-Bergsetbreen glacier, ca. 1898. 12608931795
Courtesy Fylkesarkivet i Sogn og Fjordane

 

Married Couple Forget Their Elementary Schools

Courtesy US National Archives
Courtesy US National Archives

A local married couple recently forgot what elementary schools they attended. In a discussion on what schools they attended over the years, both were accurate in reporting the name of their middle and high schools.

Things broke down when they mentioned their elementary schools.

“I went to Carver. I remember because they knocked it down four years after I left,” she said.

“You didn’t go to Carver. You went to Hudson like the rest of us,” he said. “You just acted like you were too good for the rest of us, even at 9 years old.”

“You DID NOT go to Hudson. That’s where the juvy kids went. You went to Lincoln! Don’t you remember they called your parents who had to come and get you when you had an accident?”

“What are you talking about? I never had an accident.”

5 Completely Unforgivable Reasons to Cheat

Not that there are any good reasons to cheat on a loved one, but there are certainly some unforgivable reasons to cheat.

Here are five of the most common.

Monopoly Competition

Serious Monopoly players get bored with the competition in their own relationship if it’s not up to their skill level.

Very often Monopoly enthusiasts will cheat on their relationship in order to have more challenging opponents.

Scrambled Eggs and Chorizo

Sure, you can make scrambled eggs and you may even be very good with breakfast sausage.

But very few people can make scrambled eggs and chorizo properly.

Statistics show that people in a relationship who love scrambled eggs and chorizo are prone to cheat in order to find someone that can make the breakfast they love.

Wrong Dog

Did your current flame bring their dog into the relationship?

Oh sure, you told them you love their pooch, but the truth is you may not be that big of a fan of this particular dog.

Many people cheat on their current relationship in order to find a person with a dog they like better than yours, even if it is a temporary fling.

Questioning Out Loud

In every relationship, one person continually asks questions out loud. For example, they might say “Is this the side of our new cutting board that was made for cutting meat?”

In asking this question, they are verbalizing it more for themselves than for you. They are thinking through the problem by talking to themselves with you in the room.

People make the mistake of answering these questions, and then get upset when the question asker pretends they didn’t really want their lover’s opinion. As a result, people will cheat with someone who is not compelled to answer every question the cheater asks out loud.

Music Lover

There are many things a couple in a relationship can overcome. Different musical tastes, however, is not one of them. If you find yourself throwing up a little in your mouth every time your special someone cranks a Wham! tune, know that you are at risk for cheating. Eventually, you are going to want to find someone with the same musical tastes as you. It’s only a matter of time before you stray.

Female Celebrities I Have Not Been Romantically Involved With

There’s a lot of gossip in this town. Lindsay Lohan allegedly released a list of her alleged former lovers a few years ago, allegedly.

Similarly, over the years there has been a list circulated of famous ladies that reportedly I have never been involved with romantically.

Rumors continue to float around town about who is not involved with me in any way, so here is an official list of women I have not been romantically involved with in the past.

Adriana Lima
Alanis Morissette
Alicia Keys
Alicia Silverstone
Amy Smart
Angelina Jolie
Angie Harmon
Ashlee Simpson
Ashley Judd
Ashley Olsen
Billie Piper
Bo Derek
Bridget Fonda
Britney Spears
Brittany Murphy
Brooke Burns
Brooke Shields
Calista Flockhart
Carly Pope
Carmen Electra
Carrie Underwood
Catherine Zeta Jones
Charlize Theron
Christie Brinkley
Christina Ricci
Christy Turlington
Cindy Crawford
Clare Danes
Claudia Schiffer
Courtney Cox
Courtney Love
Daisy Fuentes
Dana Delany
Daryl Hannah
Debra Messing
Demi Moore
Drew Barrymore
Elizabeth Hurley
Elle MacPherson
Eva Longoria
Geena Davis
Gisele Bundchen
Gwen Stefani
Gwenyth Paltrow
Halle Berry
Hilary Swank
Irene Jacob
Jada Pinkett-Smith
Jaime Bergman
Jaime Pressly
Jamie Lee Curtis
Jenna Jameson
Jennifer Aniston
Jennifer Lopez
Jessica Beale
Jessica Simpson
Jodie Foster
Julie Roberts
Madonna
Mandy Fisher
Mandy Moore
Marcia Cross
Mariah Carey
Marlo Thomas
Martina Mcbride
Mary Kate Olsen
Maryln Monroe
Meg Ryan
Melissa Joan Heart
Mena Suvari
Mia Sara
Michelle Pfeiffer
Minnie Driver
Naomi Campbell
Natalia Paris
Natalie Maines
Natalie Portman
Nelly Furtado
Neve Campbell
Nia Long
Nicole Kidman
Niki Taylor
Nikki Cox
Olivia Newton john
Pamela Anderson
Patricia Arquette
Paula Vazquez
Penelope Cruz
Piper Perabo
Portia de Rossi
Scarlett Johansson
Sofía Vergara
Tara Reid
Tea Leoni
Tyra Banks

I’ll update this list as other female celebrities make it painfully obvious I have no shot.