I noticed many of the women I find attractive look a little like my mother? Should I be concerned?
We couldn’t even start lunch before she was ripping off my Wayne Gretzky “500th goal” replica jersey.
When you know you have to raise your Tinder game.
Would you like to name a cockroach after your loved one? Well, now you can!
The Bronx Zoo is allowing people to name one of their ten thousand or so Madagascar cockroaches after their loved one. You give them 10 bucks and they’ll give you a digital certificate that certifies that one of their cockroaches is named after your Valentine.
For $25 you can get a printed certificate and they’ll throw in some free chocolates from a local confectionery — that’s just an added bonus. Hey, good ideas from the Bronx Zoo to get people involved. I think this what they should do since they’re using their sense of humor to get people to name cockroaches after their Valentine: For $100, the Bronx Zoo will unload a BOX of cockroaches into the home of your EX.
That might be their best seller.
Sex is an intimate act between you and your lover. Don’t ruin it with any of these after-party antics.
1. Do not stand on one side of the room and applaud your partner.
2. Do not stand in the window buck nekkid while you order a pizza.
3. Do not wrap yourself in the blankets and start reciting quotes from Dr. Zhivago.
4. Do not weep uncontrollably.
5. Do not turn on the TV and start checking sports scores against your wagers, crying out, “The Broncos! Those damn Broncos cost me again!”
There are some very clear signs your significant other and you are heading for the rocks. Take heed.
Addicted to Netflix
Your SO can’t tear themselves away from Netflix to shower, eat or go to work.
Toaster Oven Abuse
You come home to find your SO violently bashing the toaster oven in the wall because it won’t broil correctly.
You SO is having lengthy email conversations with someone in the Nigerian royal family who just needs them to hold $375,000,000 for a short time.
Be careful if ALL your friends disapprove of your SO. This is especially true if your SO offers to pay them to say good things.
Voices In Their Head
Do you catch your SO talking to themselves at all hours of the day and night? Get the divorce papers ready.
TV Golf Fan
If your SO suddenly becomes a fan of golf on TV, things have gone horribly wrong. Nothing is more boring than golf on TV.
Is your SO buying those cheese packages with slices that are each wrapped individually? Sorry, it’s over.
Relationships are tough. Watch for these signs that your SO is losing interest. Or just losing their mind in general.
Sex can be good and it can be bad.
Meaning I can be bad sometimes.
OK, most of the time.
Either way, you’ll ruin your romantic interludes for sure if you don’t avoid these things right before sex.
Call your broker.
Call your mother.
Do tricks with the dog.
Review your stamp collection.
Play industrial metal music.
Build those new shelves from Ikea.
Break out a checkerboard.
I like you, fall, but you don’t like me — so noncommital. Like many ex-girlfriends, you arrive, leave, come back, run away and then come back again, only to stay for a few months before icing me out completely.
Why the hesitation, autumn? I love you for you. The cool nights, the sound of football in the air, the constant indecision on how many layers to wear because the temperature changes 35 degrees every 15 minutes.
It’s time for you to make a decision. Will you stay or will you go?
Jors Grodirlssonas was bummed that none of his friends were able to attend his bachelor party.
“All their flights got cancelled. I believe them. They are good mates.”
“I live in a remote area and the flights are sketchy in good weather,” he laughed.
“Nobody came to give me shots. So I drank them myself.”
“No one in town even came over. So I sang bawdy songs by myself.”
“We were going to drink shots in the bars of my little town. OK, it’s one bar. But no one came to drink with me. So I put on naughty hats and sang and drank.”
“I celebrated alone in my house on the mountain.”
“This is my little brother. He felt bad for me, but he couldn’t have shots. He’s too young.”
A local married couple recently forgot what elementary schools they attended. In a discussion on what schools they attended over the years, both were accurate in reporting the name of their middle and high schools.
Things broke down when they mentioned their elementary schools.
“I went to Carver. I remember because they knocked it down four years after I left,” she said.
“You didn’t go to Carver. You went to Hudson like the rest of us,” he said. “You just acted like you were too good for the rest of us, even at 9 years old.”
“You DID NOT go to Hudson. That’s where the juvy kids went. You went to Lincoln! Don’t you remember they called your parents who had to come and get you when you had an accident?”
“What are you talking about? I never had an accident.”
Not that there are any good reasons to cheat on a loved one, but there are certainly some unforgivable reasons to cheat.
Here are five of the most common.
Serious Monopoly players get bored with the competition in their own relationship if it’s not up to their skill level.
Very often Monopoly enthusiasts will cheat on their relationship in order to have more challenging opponents.
Scrambled Eggs and Chorizo
Sure, you can make scrambled eggs and you may even be very good with breakfast sausage.
But very few people can make scrambled eggs and chorizo properly.
Statistics show that people in a relationship who love scrambled eggs and chorizo are prone to cheat in order to find someone that can make the breakfast they love.
Did your current flame bring their dog into the relationship?
Oh sure, you told them you love their pooch, but the truth is you may not be that big of a fan of this particular dog.
Many people cheat on their current relationship in order to find a person with a dog they like better than yours, even if it is a temporary fling.
Questioning Out Loud
In every relationship, one person continually asks questions out loud. For example, they might say “Is this the side of our new cutting board that was made for cutting meat?”
In asking this question, they are verbalizing it more for themselves than for you. They are thinking through the problem by talking to themselves with you in the room.
People make the mistake of answering these questions, and then get upset when the question asker pretends they didn’t really want their lover’s opinion. As a result, people will cheat with someone who is not compelled to answer every question the cheater asks out loud.
There are many things a couple in a relationship can overcome. Different musical tastes, however, is not one of them. If you find yourself throwing up a little in your mouth every time your special someone cranks a Wham! tune, know that you are at risk for cheating. Eventually, you are going to want to find someone with the same musical tastes as you. It’s only a matter of time before you stray.
There’s a lot of gossip in this town. Lindsay Lohan allegedly released a list of her alleged former lovers a few years ago, allegedly.
Similarly, over the years there has been a list circulated of famous ladies that reportedly I have never been involved with romantically.
Rumors continue to float around town about who is not involved with me in any way, so here is an official list of women I have not been romantically involved with in the past.
Catherine Zeta Jones
Jamie Lee Curtis
Mary Kate Olsen
Melissa Joan Heart
Olivia Newton john
Portia de Rossi
I’ll update this list as other female celebrities make it painfully obvious I have no shot.