10 things you can do to prevent CRT in your schools
Some people are trying valiantly to keep CRT, or Coping With Relatives Tactics, out of schools. Here are 10 ways
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Relatives
San Diego Resident Searches 7 Weeks in Attic and Basement for Stored Winter Jacket for Holiday Trip To Relatives in Chicago
San Diego resident Martha Puffycoat searched in her attic and basement for many weeks trying to find her winter jacket
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Six Ways to Spend the $250,000 Your Grandmother Left You
1. Start a naked bowling league.
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2. Invest in a car that runs on power generated by the human cold.
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3. Build a golf course consisting of 1.5 holes.
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4. Start a skateboarding school for adorable dogs in funny videos.
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5. Create a social media site for people in the Witness Protection System.
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6. Start a storage company targeting ex-girlfriends with huge amounts of excess baggage.
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Joe Ditzel Gift Guide
For my birthday last year, a couple of relatives said to me, “I didn’t know what to get you, so here is a gift certificate.”
To eliminate any doubt about what to get me, I have created the Joe Ditzel Gift Guide. I welcome any of these great gifts:
* Ferrari F355 Spider Convertible- $140,000. If you buy this car for me I’ll thank you with a coupon for a free Jiffy Lube. Every body needs a good Jiffy Lube now and then.
* Tour of American Strip Clubs- forget the Bike Ride Across Iowa or the African Safari for adventure vacations. I want to tour America’s Finest Strip Clubs with a big stack of 20’s.
* I’ll start with the Cheetah III in Atlanta. Round of Golf with Arnold Palmer, Jack Nucleus and Alice Cooper – as a golfer it is my dream to play golf with Arena and Jack. As far as Alice, I want a chance to win back some of the money I spent from my paper route on “School’s Out” and “Billion Dollar Babies” in the 70’s.
* Case of Makers Mark Bourbon- Makers Mark has the greatest ad slogan ever: “Tastes expensive. And is.” Makes Jack Daniel taste like bourbon strained through old socks.
* Hair- my hair is receding from my temples and meeting in the middle, leaving an island of hair in the front. If you look close, you can see Gilligan and the Skipper waving. I look forward to your gift of a case of Rogaine.
* Heidi Klum.
I’ll add to the list as I think of things. However, you do not need to wait until my birthday to send me any of these items.
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Crowded House
My father and mother were basking in the glow of their first year of marriage. They were sitting on the porch sipping lemonade when my mom announced lovingly, “I’m already sick of looking at you. Let’s have a kid.”
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Ditzels Through History
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I’m tracing my family tree. I feel that the history of each family is the real history of the United States. I want to find out why my ancestors left Germany in the 1880’s to settle in Dayton. I want to learn first hand the sacrifices they made. Plus I want to see if there is any hidden treasure they left that rightfully belongs to me.
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Ditzel Mobile
My father was, how do you say, frugal. When it came to our family cars, he was at his “frugalest”. When I was in high school we had a 1965 Mercury Comet. We pleaded for a newer car. It was embarrassing to pick up girls in this car. The doors were as heavy as a door to a safe. If the door didn’t close on your date and kill them, they cut their knee on the 8-track tape machine hanging down from the dash.
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Y’all Pass the Puck
I’ve moved a lot. I was born in Dayton, then moved to Columbus, Austin, Edmonton, Des Moines, Akron, Columbus (II), Cleveland, Columbus (III), Los Angeles, San Francisco, and then back to Los Angeles (II). My brother John, who remembers everything, claims we also lived in Iceland in the summer of 1968 and Indonesia during the monsoon season in 1975.
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Ripe for the Changing
"Here, hold her," my friend said as she held out her baby.
"No, thanks," I said.
"Oh, come one, she likes you!"
The baby smiled at me with a goofy baby grin.
"No, really, she'll break somehow," I said.
Dead Man’s Curve
When I was 8 my family moved to Edmonton, Alberta, Canada. I started playing hockey that fall. I loved hockey for its speed and action. But for sheer danger and human drama, hockey paled to the blood-rush I felt when I discovered tobogganing.
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Mr. Fix It
I don't fix things. My dad did. He was born in the depression. They had to make things last. He didn't call for a fix it guy. He fixed it himself. He would take the toaster out in the garage and take it apart. He started out happy and whistling. Two hours later he was banging and yelling at the toaster, "What's wrong with you, you damn toaster??!!" We knew then to high-tail it for the hockey rink or the mall.
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Ditzel Wrestling Federation
My brothers and I were professional wrestlers. We didn’t work for the WWF or WCW. We produced our own show- DWF- the Ditzel Wrestling Federation.
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