Propeller Head

Waiting in the incredibly slow line at the big box store, I passed the time by goofing with the 3-year-old sitting in the shopping cart in front of me.

I put the Lakers hat I was buying on top of the Dodgers hat already on my head. This made the kid laugh uncontrollably, especially when I spread the visors to opposite sides, like a giant propeller on my noggin’.

I paid for the hat and propped it back on the hat on my head in order to free up a hand to show the receipt to the security guy at the door. Some of these receipt checkers go through each item carefully and seem disappointed everything is accounted for. I half expect them to say, “OK, now empty your pockets.”

Others wave you through like they could care less.

I pointed at the hat (on the other hat) on my head and he eyeballed the receipt, turning it slightly askew, as if it would reveal an item I hadn’t paid for if he tilted it. Satisfied, he let me go.

I forgot about the extra hat on my head as I walked through the mall back to my car. Kids pointed and laughed. Old ladies shook their head at me, like wearing two hats violated some city ordinance. Some people laughed and commented, “Go Lakers…and Dodgers!” or just “Nice hats!” Fashionable types turned away lest we make eye contact and I asked them for money.

I’m thinking about marketing my two-hat style. Still working on the branding. What do you think of “Double coverage?”

Border Control Checkpoints at the Local Mall

They can’t even get border control right.

Did you know we have more than 70 interior border control checkpoints, located anywhere from 25 to 75 miles inside the country?

Let me restate that. These…border…checkpoints are up to 75 miles INSIDE the country.

Do they not have Google Maps?

“Are you an American citizen?”

That’s what they ask.

I mess with them: “I’m half American, half Irish. My mom was a God-fearing American and my dad was a leprechaun. Horrible father but he did make a great breakfast cereal.”

Why stop at 75? How about 200 miles? Why not 300 miles? Why not have them all over the country?

In shopping malls.

In gas stations: “There’s your change and I need to know if you are an American citizen.”

At the theater: “Here’s your Diet Coke and Twizzlers, and one last thing — are you an American citizen?”

“I refuse to answer your question!” you say.

“Sir, pull over into secondary, right over there by the popcorn machine.”

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