Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

Sports

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Joe Ditzel

Tough Game

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors’ favor, the home quarterback blew his top.

How many times can you do this to us in a single game?” he screamed. “You were wrong on the out-of-bounds, you were wrong on that last first down, and you missed an illegal tackle in the first quarter.”

The official just stared.

The quarterback seethed, but he suppressed the language that might get him tossed from the game. “What it comes down to,” he bellowed, “is that you STINK!”

The official stared a few more seconds. Then he bent down, picked up the ball, paced off 15 yards, and put the ball down. He turned to face the steaming quarterback.

The official finally said, “And how do I smell from here?”

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Joe Ditzel

God Save

Three men, an American, and an English man and a sumo wrestler were going to commit suicide by jumping of the top of a building.

The American jumped off and shouted, ”God save America!”

The English man jumped off and shouted, ”God Save The Queen!”

The Sumo wrestler jumped off and shouted ”God save the person who I land on!”

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Joe Ditzel

Bowling Ball Cart

A young man working at the bowling alley with his father accidentally overturned a cart full of bowling balls. John at the snack bar looked over and saw the boy struggling to right the tipped cart.

“Hey Chris,” the snack bar employee said. “Forget your troubles for a bit. It’s late. Come over here and try some of these new jalapeno poppers and fries. I’ll help you with that cart after you eat.”

“That’s mighty nice of you, but Pa won’t like that,” Chris replied.

“Aw, come on, take a break for a bit,” the man at the snack bar insisted.

“Well, okay,” the boy finally agreed. “But Pa won’t like it.”

After eating a few of the poppers with ranch dressing and a huge plate of golden french fries, Chris thanked the snack bar worker. “I feel a lot better now, but I just know that Pa will be upset.”

“Nonsense,” the cook said. “Where is your pa anyway”?

“Under the cart.”

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Joe Ditzel

First Time

A man goes skydiving for the first time. After listening to the instructor for what seems like days, he is ready to go.
Excited, he jumps out of the airplane. About five seconds later, he pulls the ripcord. Nothing happens.

He tries again. Still nothing.

He starts to panic, but remembers his back-up chute. He pulls that cord. Nothing happens. He frantically begins pulling both cords, but to no avail.

Suddenly, he looks down and he can’t believe his eyes. Another man is in the air with him, but this guy is going up!

Just as the other guy passes by, the skydiver — by this time scared out of his wits — yells, “Hey, do you know anything about skydiving?”

The other guy yells back, “No! Do you know anything about gas stoves?”

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General
Joe Ditzel

Sports Joke: Learning Sportsmanship

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded yes.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?” The little boy nodded yes.

“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you are out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?” Again, the boy nodded yes.

“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain it to your mother.

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Sports
Joe Ditzel

Sports Joke: Mental Health Lecture

The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and had proceeded to give an oral quiz to the freshman class.

Speaking specifically about manic depression, the instructor asked, “How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?”

A young man in the rear of the room raised his hand and answered, “A basketball coach?”

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