The highway is made to get you from one place to another hassle-free without the slowdown of traffic lights, garbage trucks, and slow, slow, slow city buses. For the most part, it works. Except there is a special breed of crazy person on the highway you’ll find nowhere else.
Get-Out-Of-My-Lane-Oops-There’s-My-Exit Guy rolls up on your bumper because he is in a HUGE hurry. To avoid him driving through your rear window, you move over. He zooms past, only to realize he is missing his exit, cuts back across IN FRONT of you, nearly wrecking both your cars.
Ms. Turn-Signal-On-Then-Off-On-Then-Off turns on her turn signal to exit the freeway. Except she’s not sure where the exit is. So, she turns the signal on, changes her mind when no exit shows up for a mile, turns it off, and so on. This goes on for ten miles.
The carpool lane, sometimes called an HOV lane, is set aside for people with two or more passengers. Mr. Carpool-Lane-Slow-Driver takes that as an invitation to slow down to 10 miles-per-hour below he speed limit, backing up cars in the lane for 45 miles.
You have things to do. You are in a hurry. Go, go, go. Oops, here comes la policia. Looks like a ticket.
Well, if you live in one of the seven cities, you have a good chance of getting out of it. Here are the secrets to get out of tickets in each town.
The key to get out of a ticket in Boston is to tell the police your brother works undercover in Braintree. If the officer asks you his name, say you don’t want to compromise his identity. This works 78 percent of the time.
Oklahoma City, OK
Oklahoma City police are notorious for letting people out of tickets if they give them a dozen Dunkin Donuts in specially marked boxes with the Thunder logo on top. This works 82 percent of the time.
Walla Walla, WA
Stopped in Walla Walla, WA? Say that you were on you way to a moose convention. You were speeding because you are the emcee and a moose gave you the wrong starting time. This works 84 percent of the time.
“Ma’am, I am Warren Buffet’s personal chef. If you don’t let me go, I’ll blame you for Warren’s dinner being late.” This works 85 percent of the time.
Des Moines, IA
“Sir, I am transporting some pickled relish to the good people of Altoona. Are you going to deny them their right to pickled relish?” This works 89 percent of the time.
“Listen, here’s the deal. I’m full of gumption, gummy bears and my love of UVA Basketball. You let me off, and I’ll get you some sweet, sweet gummies and UVA tix.” Works 93 percent of the time.
“Thank you for pulling me over for speeding, officer. It gives me the opportunity to tell you about my MLM opportunity.” Use this line, and you will get out of 100 percent of tickets.
A Los Angeles man is beating the horrendous traffic by going old school. He rides a donkey between stopped rows of cars to and from work every day.
“Even at a donkey’s leisurely pace, I beat my coworkers to work four out of five times,” said computer programmer Darren Bridev. “The days they beat me it is usually because Marty (the donkey) stops in Beverly Hills to eat some of the flowers.”
The marketplace is cruel. Sometimes things just don’t work out so well for new car models. Here are 7 crazy cars the public shunned at the showroom.
Would only work with a passenger reading the works of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.
The first successful underwater car, the hardtop was a hit. Sales fell off when the convertible model was released.
The HMAC Pizza was a pizza delivery cannon, firing pizzas from the street through the front window of a house. In 1915, a family died when one of them inadvertently fired hubcaps at a hungry group of relatives.
The Olds Pup
A gorgeous car that should have been a hit. It failed because it was solely powered by the pull of a small dog who came with a purchase.
The Plymouth Emotional Baggage
The emotional baggage was initially popular with ex-girlfriends and mothers-in-law who appreciated the large luggage area. Beyond these two groups, it sold poorly.
The Buick Sea Water
The Buick Sea Water was a scam car that supposedly ran on sea water. Thousands of duped consumers left them at the beach when they would not run.
The Amtrak Railer
The Amtrak Railer was the first car by a railroad company — it was designed to run on tracks, providing a faster, better experience than the trains of the day. Sales fell to zero when reports of cars like the one shown would fly off the tracks down dirt roads, hurtling passengers miles off course.
If you’ve ever driven through the Akron area, you may have a story similar to these.
We were closing up early one night because of the heavy snow. No one was coming in, so the manager let us all go. On the way home, I noticed all the roads were filled with cars. But no one was moving, and their engines were off.
Stephanie, Aerobics Instructor
I was driving by Akron U’s Polymer Science building one day when a huge rubber orb starting chasing me. It was about 4 stories tall, green and blue, and it said Goodyear on the side.
I had just come off the night shift and was driving past Grandpa’s Cheese Barn. I noticed the crash barriers in that area were all made of large wheels of ghouda and camembert.
Coming down the 77 near Cuyahoga Falls at 4am, I had a vision that in a past life I worked in the old Lawson’s dairy that started there in 1939. I was in love with the a girl who ran one of the machines — she loved to tease, always saying she wanted to pasteurize me.
Sally, Sales Manager
I was driving with one of my team back from a sales call when we saw a fireworks display near the Portage Lakes. But they weren’t going straight up. They were being launched from rival one township to another like ground missles, taking out parked cars in explosions of red, green, blue, yellow and white.
We had just left a regional architecture conference downtown in mid-December. When I walked down the street to get my car, a guy was sitting in the driver’s seat. It was my manager from the O’Neil’s Department store I worked at downtown year ago. But this guy had died in 1993.
I remember my father teaching me to drive at the parking lot of Summit Mall. He would only do so if my mother was shopping at the same time. I thought he really loved me and simply wanted his daughter to do well on her driver’s exam. I learned years later he was just tired of sitting on those little benches, waiting hours for her to come out of a store.
Middletown, Ohio recently deactivated their red light traffic cameras at intersections around the city in order to bring the town a new system.
“There’s been some confusion,” said the mayor of the town. “Some people thought our automated red light cameras were illegal. That’s not it at all. The red light cameras are legal, they’re just not very efficient. We had the same motorists breaking the same laws over and over.”
Rather than issue citations to repeat offenders, the new procedure is that the license plates of repeat offenders will be kept in a image database at the State. When the computer determines that an offender has once again made the same traffic violation, high-powered lasers will fire from the top of the traffic lights, sending a high-powered beam at the automobile.
Once the beam reaches its highest intensity, the car will be rendered useless. At the same time, the intense focus of the laser will make the driver drowsy. With the car rendered inoperable, and the driver as well, the laser will then send a message to the nearest police officer to arrest the driver and tow their car to the nearest impound lot.
“This is the safest method we came up with to deal with repeat offenders,” explained the mayor. “The laser renders both the automobile and the driver completely inoperable. We will tow the car to the nearest impound lot, and make the arrangements to sell it. The driver will be taken to the local police station, booked and given time to sleep off the effects of the laser. Once they are back to normal, we will issue them a bicycle instead of a car because clearly they cannot use an automobile like a responsible adult. For winter, the bicycles will be issued special snow tires so that people don’t have to miss work, church or family obligations due to inclement weather.”
The lasers are currently being tested throughout the Middletown, Ohio area. They will be in full operation beginning in May. There will be no opportunity for residents to voice concerns about the system at the local city Council meetings.
“We find that the people raising the biggest questions and concerns about the laser program are also the biggest suspects in terms of traffic violations,” said the mayor. “We have decided not to allow anyone to give us feedback on the system. Rather, we look forward to having the opportunity to remove these complainers and anarchists from behind the wheel, and put them on the seat of a bike where the exercise will hopefully remove some of the desire to break the law and constantly complain.”
It started with “Carmageddon,” the closing of the I-405 freeway on July 15, 2011 to renovate the Sepelveda Pass exits. It was followed by “Carmageddon II,” the weekend of Sep. 29 and 30, 2012, when road crews attacked the Mulholland Drive Bridge to demolish and replace it.
Recently it was announced “Jamzilla” will close the 405 northbound lanes next month over President’s Day weekend. Again, Metro officials are asking Angelenos to stay home to alleviate possible congestion.
At the same press conference to announce Jamzilla, Metro laid out a number of other traffic monsters coming later:
To relieve gridlock downtown during rush hours, downtown streets will be closed in May 2014. New technology is being installed–any car that blocks any intersection after the light has turned red will be flagged. Autobots will descend from the sky and fire advanced lasers at the automobile, turning it into a ball of fire.
Every Friday the 405 South locks up with corporate drones escaping their cubes to get back to their over-priced homes in the South Bay. Beacherella will shut down the 405 South in July to install a system that is a joint effort with the US Army. Giant transport helicopters will fly above troublesome drivers, lower a massive claw, lift the car and drop it in the Pacific Ocean.
Despite plenty of alternative routes, Valley drivers insist on taking Ventura Boulevard all day and all night. Valleyacula will shut down Ventura for one week in September to turn it into an extension of LAX. The plan will keep cars of Ventura for good, forcing them to take other streets, and add a much needed additional runway for domestic flights. The Sherman Oaks Galleria will be turned into an auxiliary terminal to direct incoming air traffic.
Prepare now for these major changes, and don’t be surprised to see more as Metro attempts to deal with increasing traffic problems in the city.