3 Ways to Make Your Friends in Cold Climates Angry

Why pay for the privilege of living in Boca Raton, Corpus Christi or San Diego if you can’t rub it in the faces of your friends and relatives in Detroit and Montreal?

Box of Sunshine

Send an empty box to them around December 10th. Write “I’ve boxed up some sunshine from Clearwater, Florida for you to enjoy in Saskatoon. Use sparingly to last the winter.”

Instagram Slam

As soon as snow falls in the cold climate, begin posting pictures of you on the beach every 23 seconds on Instagram. Bonus points if you include the family dog wearing a funny sun hat and sunglasses.

Condolence Email

Try this email: “Dear Relative or Friend, It has come to my attention your family still lives in Boston (Chicago, New York City, wherever). Our deepest sympathies. We always enjoyed you folks, and will miss you here in sun-splashed Santa Barbara (Delray Beach, Destin, Yucatan, etc).”

 

Woman Freezes Up When Trying to Decide What Boots To Wear

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Sally stood in front of the back hall racks where her various winter footwear stood patiently waiting.

“First day over 50 degrees in 3 months,” she said to her dog Pip who sat on the ground over near the register. “I don’t know what to wear.”

“Should I wear tennis shoes with a light grip so I can still walk on the ice, but the clear areas will be easier to walk? If I go that direction, I might have a tough time with the soft snow that is starting to melt in the sun.”

“How about my hiking boots, not the heavy ones but the lighter ones that still have that cool sole, but they aren’t so clunky as the big ones that look like you could use to walk on a glacier?”

Pip stared at her as she surveyed the racks for what seemed like half an hour. It was like this every year on the first warm weather day after a long winter.

“Come here, my old friend,” she said, pulling her L.L. Bean duck boots from a cubby hole, a pair she’s had since college. They were made by hand in Maine, with thick rubber on the bottom and leather uppers that were nicked from years of wear. The chain-tread bottoms were a little worn, but still looked good.

“These are the ones, Pip! Light and waterproof. I can just walk right through the puddles!”

Pip turned his head and looked out the window. Sunshine filled half the room, spilling into the kitchen.

“Finally we have a decision,” he thought.

Woman Found In House Sobbing and Screaming “Winter Will Never End!”

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Courtesy Keene Public Library via Flickr Commons

 

An Ohio woman in Cleveland’s “Snow Belt” east of town was arrested today after police found her shooting a gun out of a front window at nearby snowbanks, crying and screeching over and over, “Winter will never end! Winter will never end!” She was placed on a protective hold in a local mental facility until her trial comes up in June.

“Honestly, we could have scheduled the trial in March,” the judge said. “But we didn’t want to take the chance she would see snow and freak out.”

“Late February in Ohio has the highest incidence of winter-related breakdowns than any other time,” said the police chief. “We get more calls in those two weeks than the rest of the year. People start to snap due to the constant snowfall, frigid temperatures and endless days of grey, overcast skies. That and they live in Cleveland.”

Tired of Winter? These Canadians Eat Winter For Breakfast

What? You are tired of winter? Aw, poor you! You want the sun to return and the endless grey skies of February to go away.

Your problem is you are weak. Take a lesson from these Canadians. They laugh at winter. Put on four pairs of long johns and come with us as we observe Canadians taking care of business.

 

These Canadians eat winter for breakfast

Frozen seaways? Haha. Canadians just cut ice away from frozen lakes and ponds! Hey, want some fresh ice in your Scotch on the rocks?

 

These Canadians eat winter for breakfast

You think you have a bad winter? This is Winnipeg in the middle of June. Spring won’t come until early July and summer is only a few weeks long!

 

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You know what that lady is carrying? A bow and arrow covered in cloth. If they see any bison, she whips out the bow and brings down the beast with one shot. Dinner is served!

 

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Too much snow on the lake to play hockey? No problem. These guys iced down an indoor greyhound racing track and started playing hockey within the next two hours!

 

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Got the winter doldrums? These people spiced up their winter days by racing for food. Only the winner gets to eat. You don’t need shorter winters. You need better ideas.

 

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This guy just pulled some fish out a hole he cut in the ice. Now he’s cutting the fish using a special boat he made with an old Sunfish sailboat and some indestructible kitchen knives he bought on QVC. You just need to get creative to enjoy winter, not hate it!

 

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Hi mom, I love winter!

 

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Aw, you find it hard to walk in the snow? These Canadians didn’t cry, they figured it out. Two tennis rackets and some duct tape and you are off and running!

 

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No money for winter sports? Get out your toughest blanket and throw your friends around like popcorn in the skillet. Listen, Canada has winter down “cold.” You just need to try harder.