The Rise of The LA Traffic Monsters
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It started with “Carmageddon,” the closing of the I-405 freeway on July 15, 2011 to renovate the Sepelveda Pass exits. It was followed by “Carmageddon II,” the weekend of Sep. 29 and 30, 2012, when road crews attacked the Mulholland Drive Bridge to demolish and replace it.
Recently it was announced “Jamzilla” will close the 405 northbound lanes next month over President’s Day weekend. Again, Metro officials are asking Angelenos to stay home to alleviate possible congestion.
At the same press conference to announce Jamzilla, Metro laid out a number of other traffic monsters coming later:
Gridlockataur
To relieve gridlock downtown during rush hours, downtown streets will be closed in May 2014. New technology is being installed–any car that blocks any intersection after the light has turned red will be flagged. Autobots will descend from the sky and fire advanced lasers at the automobile, turning it into a ball of fire.
Beacherella
Every Friday the 405 South locks up with corporate drones escaping their cubes to get back to their over-priced homes in the South Bay. Beacherella will shut down the 405 South in July to install a system that is a joint effort with the US Army. Giant transport helicopters will fly above troublesome drivers, lower a massive claw, lift the car and drop it in the Pacific Ocean.
Valleyacula
Despite plenty of alternative routes, Valley drivers insist on taking Ventura Boulevard all day and all night. Valleyacula will shut down Ventura for one week in September to turn it into an extension of LAX. The plan will keep cars of Ventura for good, forcing them to take other streets, and add a much needed additional runway for domestic flights. The Sherman Oaks Galleria will be turned into an auxiliary terminal to direct incoming air traffic.
Prepare now for these major changes, and don’t be surprised to see more as Metro attempts to deal with increasing traffic problems in the city.
