The Ultimate Solution to Out-of-Control Spending On Political Advertising

We spend way too much on political advertising.

In 2012, Ohio had the third most political ad spending at $150 million, behind Florida with $173 million and Virginia with $151 million.

Nationally in 2012, Barack Obama spent $404 million total and Mitt Romney spent $492 million. Romney spent $88 million more than his opponent and he still lost. How does one guy spend $492 million and still lose. I mean, if you are the Washington Redskins, those amounts make sense. They spend a fortune and still suck.

That’s just the presidential race. More than $6 billion was spent on all media by politicians and issues in 2012. And government is still grid-locked. Our current government is more locked up than when your parents grounded you for three months in high school because they found 2 pounds of weed in your winter coat pocket. Right? Am I right? Just me? OK, just me.

Most of that was spot and network television. TV political ads are the worst possible ads. It’s a bunch of millionaires pretending to be regular folks. If they are just going to slag each other, at least make it entertaining. I’d like to see a political ad in the form of slam poetry:

The Harvard Boy Who Went to Washington

I was only 15 when I went to private school
Try as I might, I was labeled uncool
Sure my family was rich and didn’t pay any tax
But my acne made me look like I was attacked by an ax

At Harvard on the mean streets of Cambridge town
I struggled mightily to get that Harvard gown
It took me 5 years to do what most do in four
Cause I spent most of my time partying hardcore

But now this day I am asking for your vote
Please forget I am wealthy and went to Choate
In return I’ll say anything you want to hear
Heck, I’ll even promise free pizza and beer

And when my family moves in to 1600 Pennsylvania
There will be 5 or 6 months of good will mania
Because I promised to overcome partisan political stalls
But you’ll soon realize I can affect no change at all.

It’s a waste of money.

Not to mention every political ad is the same. The candidate tries to show this picture of the perfect spouse, perfect family and a life dedicated to public service. The reality is their spouse secretly hates them, their kids watch TV all day and they only went into public service to avoid going into the family funeral home business. “Where do you want us to put this body?” “Just set in the front hall. I’ll get to it after Game of Thrones.”

Here’s the thing: Iowa may determine the course of the primaries at the beginning of the election, but the vote in Ohio is always close. Razor thin — down to 10 votes either way, or 5 votes, even 1 vote! A single vote can determine the election. And it’s always the same one guy in a small steel town in Northeast Ohio. A really small town.

Look, I know how we can save billions of dollars on the election and eliminate a ton of annoying, pedantic, nasty, creepy horrifying political advertising. Just find that guy, that one independent voter who can tilt the state either way, and in turn the whole election and the future of the country.

Find THAT guy and bribe him from here to kingdom come.

Let’s say the Democrats drive over to his trailer park, knock on the rusted door and say, “Jeb what do you want?” What can we do for you to make you feel good about voting for the Democrats in 2016. What does Jeb really want?

“You know what I really want?” he’ll say. “I want the gol’ dang Cleveland Browns to win the gol’ dang Super Bowl fer once in my gol’ dang life. That’s what I want. That’s what I really want.”

And you know what you do if you want to capture the White House for your party?

You buy the gol’ dang Cleveland Browns.

You buy the team, clear out whoever is in there now, and install the brightest football minds ever assembled. You erase the history of the team, and you lead them to a winning season, winning championship series and a winning gol dang Super Bowl!

And then you deliver a Super Bowl ring to Jeb, and you get his vote.

Yes, it cost $1 billion to buy the team.

But you were going to spend $3 billion in dumb political attack ads, so you just saved $2 billion, which, because you are politicians, you’ll waste on some government program to study the mating habits of the endangered Bug-Eyed Poker-Playing Himalayan Sloth.

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.