Into The Woods — Ohio Style

In the movie “Into The Woods,” starring Merryl Streep, James Corden and Emily Blunt, a childless baker and his wife venture into the woods to get the necessary ingredients to reverse the curse of a witch, and thus gain the child they want so badly.

They need to help the witch get her beauty back. The ingredients they seek include a milk-white cow, corn-yellow hair, a slipper of gold and a blood-red cape.

I spoke with Alfons Parapsson, a farmer near Nelsonville, Ohio on the telephone to find out what he would do if he had to get these items in Ohio.

A Milk White Cow


“Well, she’s sorta white. Ma turned white when this one knocked over a lantern in the barn and pert near burned us down.”

Corn-Yellow Hair


“This is Goldie. This is close to yellow as we can get.”

A Blood-Red Cape


“Yes, it’s a sheet. Don’t worry, Ma will fix it up nice into a cape for ya.”

A Slipper of Gold


“Well, they ain’t gold, and these are the only slippers my sister has. But these are genuine deer skin from a buck I shot with my cross-bow down there toward Chillicothe. She’ll hate to give them up, but we hate spells round here. Like the one Michigan hexed on OSU in 1995 when Tshimanga Biakabutuka ran for 313 yards and beat us 31-23! That one still stings. Either the Wolverines had a hex on the Buckeyes, or they put a spell on John Cooper, because that was not the last time that fella would lose to Michigan.”

About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *