Postcard
Someone sent me a postcard picture of the earth. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
– Steven Wright
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Joe Ditzel
Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems
Quote
Happiness is family
Happiness is having a large, loving, caring close-knit family in another city.
– George Burns
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Common
Ace Ventura: [to Lt. Einhorn] Whew… now I feel better. ‘Course, that might not do any good you see nobody’s missing a porpoise. It’s a dolphin that’s been taken. The common harbor porpoise has an abrupt snout, pointed teeth and a triangular thoracic fin. While the bottlenose dolphin, or Tursiops truncates, has an elongated beak, round cone shaped teeth and a serrated dorsal appendage. But I’m sure you already knew that. That’s what turns me on about ‘cha, your attention to detail.
– Ace Ventura Pet Detective
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Ben Speaks
Ben Stern: [to 7-year-old Howard] You’re a moron! Now shut up and sit still!
– Howard Stern’s Private Parts
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Movie Quote: Attractive
The Player: We’re more of the love, blood and rhetoric school. Well, we can do you blood and love without the rhetoric, and we can do you blood and rhetoric without the love, and we can do you all three concurrent or consecutive. But we can’t give you love and rhetoric without the blood. Blood is compulsory. They’re all blood, you see.
Gran Torino
Harry Tofcano
Zoolander
Blazing Saddles
Life of Brian
Fast Times at Ridgemont High
Milton Berle
Adam Sandler
The Godfather
The Godfather
L.A. Law
Freaks and Geeks
Freaks and Geeks
Freaks and Geeks
Arrested Development
Old School
Old School
David Spade
David Spade
Rushmore
Rushmore
Home Improvement Store
Superbad
Erma Bombeck
Mark Twain
Clifton Paul Fadiman
John Updike
Caddyshack
Caddyshack
Outta Nowhere
Carl Spackler: This crowd has gone deadly silent, a Cinderella story outta nowhere. Former greenskeeper and now about to become the masters champion.
-Caddyshack
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Do Me a Favor
Artie Fufkin: You know what I want you to do? Will you do something for me?
David St. Hubbins: What?
Artie Fufkin: Do me a favor. Just kick my ass, okay? Kick this ass for a man, that’s all. Kick my ass. Enjoy. Come on. I’m not asking, I’m telling with this. Kick my ass.
– This is Spinal Tap
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