Stand-up

This is fun, isn’t it, kids? Sitting outdoors, roasting a watermelon over an open fire.

– Steve Martin, A Wild and Crazy Guy

If I ever have twins, I’d use one for parts.

– Steven Wright

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

– Emo Philips

I was making love with this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said. “No. I hate myself now.”

– Rodney Dangerfield

I don’t think I’m depressed- just paralyzed by hope.

– Maria Bamford

Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time.

– Steven Wright