3 Vital Friends You Need to Survive in the Modern World

Sure, you rely on your wits and cunning to succeed and prosper. But you can’t go it alone and survive long term. Here are three key friends you should have on your team.

The Sarge

The Sarge will come and get you out of prison in a foreign country, even if it is a dangerous place like Canada. In real life, the Sarge is over-caffeinated, over-testoneroned and over-the-top. But when you need someone to find you in a desolate area and spirit you back to the land of Double Cheeseburgers and Kardashians, this is your guy. When they get the call, they will be out the door with a Bowie Knife, rubbing alcohol, and two cyanide pills (just in case).

The Fixer

Got into trouble with the IRS because you deducted your bicycle as an investment? Made a bad decision and now somebody’s spouse wants you gone? The Fixer knows how to take care of it. Tell them the situation and within 24 hours you’ll be sleeping like a baby.

The Rolodex

Need to get a reservation at that hot new restaurant, but can’t get anyone on the phone? Did a major tech company cut you off because you posted a naked picture on the beach in Obiza, and now you are going through social media withdrawals? The Rolodex is connected to every CEO, bus boy, taxi driver, top attorney and film director in town. Everybody. Just don’t abuse the contact. Don’t ask them to get your kid into a great college if the little runt spent the whole time in high school smoking in their Camaro and selling stolen tests out of the trunk.


About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at
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