5 Ways To Keep Your Streak of Slothfulness Alive

Are you a lowdown, good-for-nothing bum who can’t get up the energy to improve his life? Good for you. You have to keep it real. Why should you mold yourself to society?

Here are ways to fight back when others ask you to clean up your act. Push yourself to the limit.

1. Don’t shower for 3 years.

2. Never do laundry. Never. When you run out of clean clothes, wrap yourself in newspaper and old phone books from the 80s.

3. Never cut your lawn. Let it grow over your house until it creates a canopy of bugs and man-eating weeds.

4. Pile up old cars in your backyard and dive off them into an above-ground pool of bacon grease and regret.

5. You’ve lain on the couch so long watching Star Trek reruns, there is an impression of your body 2 feet deep in the cushions. Fill the impression with hundreds of crumpled-up Cheetos bags strewn around the room, and lay back down for another 7 years.

You’ve earned your sloth. It’s up to you to defend the title.