3 Things That Will Shape People’s Opinion of You

Your effectiveness in life is directly related to what people think of you. When you engage in these three activities, you affect how well you can impact others.

Wearing Green Sparkle Paint

If you go to work wearing green sparkle paint all over your torso instead of a shirt, you should expect various reactions, not all of them good.

Riding a Unicycle

Since you are different, you learned to ride a unicycle. If fact, you got so good at it, you chose to ride it to every meeting at your accounting firm. Don’t be surprised if this is brought up in your next review.

Tower Daredevil

To get inspired, you’ve taken to climbing to the top of your 100-story office building and walking along the outer ledge like those Russian daredevil kids. Like them, you post theses videos to YouTube on your channel Capitalist Ledge Leaper.

Breakfast Burrito

Sitting in the spot
Need something hot
Can’t see the menu on the wall
Doesn’t matter, I hear the call
I don’t want a hamburger
I don’t want a tasty taco
I don’t need a tuna burger
I need something to go

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

10 am already hot in the Pico Union
Old men on the veranda at Lucy’s
They’ve already had communion
They don’t care who sees

Them reading the paper all day
Cause they’re not getting any pay
No work for miles around
At home they’re waiting for a sound

The top guy wants them all gone
He’s running his usual con
I don’t think he really cares
About anything except his hair

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

Can you add another bag of chips
I’ll handle you with the tip
Make sure they aren’t too dry
They cut my mouth and make me cry

And add a Mandatin Jarritos
9 spoons of sugar with my burritos
Here comes a motorcycle
Just another of the banditos

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

Give me onions and Ham
Hash browns and tomato
Add cheese and lettuce
Make me a breakfast burrito

© Copywright 2018 Joe Ditzel and Ditzelize Music

“Healthy” Things You Are Doing That Are Ruining Your Health

I know. I know. You take care of yourself. You exercise. You floss. You maintain your health.

The problem is some of these “healthy” things are not good for you. Uh, like flossing. Let’s start there.


“You’ve got to floss!” says the dentist’s assistant every time you go in for a cleaning. Why? The medical benefits have never been proven.

However, the real reason you should avoid flossing is to keep blood off your hands, arms and clothes. Something can’t be good for you when it leaves you looking like a victim on Dexter.

Hand Sanitizer

You love hand sanitizer. I hear you. It’s the first thing I reach for after shaking hands with that crazy lady at work who everyone thinks is an escaped convict.

But hand sanitizer doesn’t do nearly the job of cleaning of good old soap and water. That means you’ll have to take a shower after every time you come into contact with your favorite escapee.


Almost half of Americans take a multi-vitamin every day. Yet several studies found they aren’t helping you at all.

That means you should be eating fruits and vegetables like they told you when you were 7 years old. The problem here is unless they are at the perfect peak of ripeness, most fruits and veggies taste like asphalt mixed with the bottom of a possum’s foot.

Snapchat Slammed for Radical Redesign

Just a few days after Snapchat surprised investors with strong market share numbers, the scrappy startup is taking heat for a radical redesign that separates friends and media into two sections.

Snap’s young user base took to other social media like Twitter in droves to complain about the change.A fake tweet that said company founder Evan Spiegel would change it back if it got enough retweets amassed millions in only a few hours.

“Don’t worry,” Spiegel explained on Twitter. “This is a head fake. We have more creativity and innovation in my big toe than Facebook has in their entire corporation. That’s why they copy everything we do. You think they came up with Instagram stories on their own?

“Just be patient. By the end of this month, they will copy our crappy redesign and deploy it across Facebook, Insta, and What’s App. They will lose users by the millions!”

Wall Street was not convinced, as Snap shares dipped after Spiegel’s tweet.



3 Things You Are Doing Wildly Wrong on LinkedIn

LinkedIn has become a powerful tool for job seekers and networkers alike. If you told me 10 years ago there would be one source you could look up almost anything on anybody in business, I would have taken out my wallet so fast there would be fire burns on my fingers. Bottom line – you need to be on LinkedIn in order to be as successful as possible.

At the same time, too many of you are making basic mistakes. Avoid these three glaring errors to maximize your use of this great platform.

Shirtless Selfies

Apparently, some people think this is a dating site, because I’ve seen several executives use a shirtless selfie as their profile picture. Look, whether you are male or female, it’s nice you are proud of your physique, but a shirtless selfie on LinkedIn is not the place to show it off. Save that for Tinder.


Anytime you start a number of updates or posts with, “For the past three years, it’s been an honor to lead my team to the best sales in the company’s history….,” just stop. Clearly, you are humblebragging about how great you are.

Do it enough, and you might get the LinkedIn Over-Humblebragging Award of the Month, which you would probably also post about, telling us how humbled and honored you are.


LION stand for LinkedIn Open Networker. It’s a moniker for people who basically accept any invitation from others seeking to connect. True LION’s have 20,000 or 30,000 contacts, limited only by LinkedIn’s connection ceiling.

Hey, it’s great you want to meet and greet everyone in the world. But the chances of productive interaction with that many people are around zero. Would you invite them all to your wedding? Well, maybe you would, but you are going to need a much bigger hall, like maybe Dodger Stadium.

Why Did I Have to Learn Cursive Writing?

What was the point of learning cursive writing? In the U.S., oldsters remember learning how to print letters, then later learning how to write the same letters in cursive. Why? That’s like learning how to speak English, and then learning “Ohioan,” which is close to English but includes words like “warsh” (wash) and “sweeper” (vacuum cleaner), or “pop” (soda).

Like this: “Before I do the warsh and run the sweeper, I’m going to have me a pop.”

3 Ways to Make Your Friends in Cold Climates Angry

Why pay for the privilege of living in Boca Raton, Corpus Christi or San Diego if you can’t rub it in the faces of your friends and relatives in Detroit and Montreal?

Box of Sunshine

Send an empty box to them around December 10th. Write “I’ve boxed up some sunshine from Clearwater, Florida for you to enjoy in Saskatoon. Use sparingly to last the winter.”

Instagram Slam

As soon as snow falls in the cold climate, begin posting pictures of you on the beach every 23 seconds on Instagram. Bonus points if you include the family dog wearing a funny sun hat and sunglasses.

Condolence Email

Try this email: “Dear Relative or Friend, It has come to my attention your family still lives in Boston (Chicago, New York City, wherever). Our deepest sympathies. We always enjoyed you folks, and will miss you here in sun-splashed Santa Barbara (Delray Beach, Destin, Yucatan, etc).”


3 Ways to Wake Up When You Really, Really Need To

Sleep is great. Waking is another matter. Do you have problems waking up in the morning? Try these three methods.

Wile E. Coyote Method

Run a line of gunpowder from the foot of your bed, down the hall and out the front door. When you go to bed, light the fuse. The line should be long enough to last for a good night’s sleep. It should blow up on time in the morning, sending you flying through the air right into the shower. You will have to experiment with the length of the gunpowder line until you get it right.

Cold Meat Method

Rig a trap drawer with a timer set to drop 100-200 pounds of raw meat on you when you need to get up. Try different types of meat to determine which wakes you up better. I’ve heard people have good success with chicken breasts, New York Strip steak and ribs.

Firehose Method

Acquire an actual firehose from your local fire department. Hire a family member to turn it on 10 minutes before you need to wake up, blasting you against the wall with a forceful jet of water. With practice, you can also use this as your shower, further improving your wake up routine.

Unexpected Question Made Me Chuckle

So this happened. Driving through Skid Row in downtown Los Angeles a few nights ago, I asked a lady standing near her tent if she wanted the two brand-new, untouched pizzas I held out the window.

She said, “Is there a thousand dollars in them?”

“Uhhhh, no. But, they are brand new and still hot.”

“Okay, then,” she said and took them both.

Propeller Head

Waiting in the incredibly slow line at the big box store, I passed the time by goofing with the 3-year-old sitting in the shopping cart in front of me.

I put the Lakers hat I was buying on top of the Dodgers hat already on my head. This made the kid laugh uncontrollably, especially when I spread the visors to opposite sides, like a giant propeller on my noggin’.

I paid for the hat and propped it back on the hat on my head in order to free up a hand to show the receipt to the security guy at the door. Some of these receipt checkers go through each item carefully and seem disappointed everything is accounted for. I half expect them to say, “OK, now empty your pockets.”

Others wave you through like they could care less.

I pointed at the hat (on the other hat) on my head and he eyeballed the receipt, turning it slightly askew, as if it would reveal an item I hadn’t paid for if he tilted it. Satisfied, he let me go.

I forgot about the extra hat on my head as I walked through the mall back to my car. Kids pointed and laughed. Old ladies shook their head at me, like wearing two hats violated some city ordinance. Some people laughed and commented, “Go Lakers…and Dodgers!” or just “Nice hats!” Fashionable types turned away lest we make eye contact and I asked them for money.

I’m thinking about marketing my two-hat style. Still working on the branding. What do you think of “Double coverage?”

7 Signs You Picked the Wrong Place to Work

We all go in to new jobs with great expectations.

Well, usually. Sometimes you can tell the place sucks from the moment you walk in.

Either way, after a while you notice things you didn’t see before.

Maybe you just didn’t want to see these signs. Who knows?

Don’t blame yourself. Just make sure you are aware of these seven signs you picked the wrong place to work.

Moonlighting Policy

You are allowed to have a moonlighting job, as long as it is for your company. “Want to earn more on the side? Fine, get a job in our warehouse. You can help load boxes after you finish your accounting job.”

References Available

While many companies won’t provide references in the future, your company provides all the references you want — bad ones. “You can leave here any time you want, but we will tell everyone you were late every day, smelled funny and only worked when you were happy — like when the Eagles won the Super Bowl,” they say with a smile.

Payroll Holdbacks

What, you didn’t know your company takes out deductions you didn’t authorize? Hahaha. How else are they going to pay for the softball team that you never play for?

Specific Hours

Lots of companies are vague on how many hours you have to work. Your company tells you upfront: all of them. Every hour you are not home sleeping, eating or feeding the dog, you should be here working.

Detailed Performance Review

Maybe you were used to a quarterly review at your old company. How quaint. At your new company, you are reviewed every five minutes. The result is displayed on a big board where you are measured against the other people on your team. The one coming in last each month has to pay everyone’s car note for the next month.

Casual Friday

Sure, you have casual Friday at your job. It is so popular, it extends into Saturday and Sunday as well. Bring a sleeping bag.

Multiple Interviews

You should have known you were at a quirky company after the interview process. Some companies have five, seven or even 10 interviews. Your company has 97 interviews with people from around the world. It cost you $458,983 just to get to them all. Don’t worry, you can work on Thanksgiving and Christmas days for the rest of your life to try to make your money back.

3 Things I Learned About Japan From Dating Japanese Women

Here are three things I learned about Japan from dating a Japanese woman once or a few hundred times.

1) You can legally walk down the street with an open beer.
2) It is okay to stand and read whole books and magazines in the shop without paying.
3) Each fire department has a special machine to cut off stuck rings from your hand if you can’t get it off.

Disclaimer: I’ve never been there, so they may have been goofing with me. 🙂