About Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel is a keynote speaker, humor writer, and really bad golfer. You can reach him via email at [email protected] as well as Twitter, Facebook, Google+ and LinkedIn.

3 Reasons You Should Not Have Children

Children are great, I mean if they never said anything or made any sounds at all. But if your spouse REALLY is pressuring you to have a few, run these three reasons by them to not have children.

Lose Friends

As soon as you have kids, your “BFF” will soon become Best Friend Forever That I Never See Ever (BFFTINSE).

Diminished Marriage

Your spouse is A-1 in your life, right. Well, when the kids show up, your spouse will move to the number two position and never recover.

Decaying Health

Staying healthy is easy — get enough sleep, eat right, exercise. All three of those go out the window when kids start populating your house. Welcome to Take Out Pizza For the Rest Of Your Days on This Planet.

3 Traits Shared by The World’s Greatest Thinkers

You’ll multiply your success rate if you can improve the quality of your thinking. Learn from the world’s greatest thinkers who share these traits.

Increase Curiosity

Legendary minds develop advanced thinking patterns because they are intensely curious about the world around them. Learn to ask questions as you go through daily life. At the zoo, you might ask, “Why are these monkeys flinging poo at me? What is that all about?”

Connect Patterns

Great thinkers see patterns everywhere. Try this: Drive down the road and look for connections. For example, you might say, “Gosh darn it, will you look at that? The lady in that Toyota Camry next to me at the stop light looks exactly like a young Tim Conway.”

Priority on Learning

Good thinkers put a priority on learning. When Leonardo da Vinci was 12, his father said they were moving to Omaha. Leonardo complained, “Father, I can’t be Leonardo of Omaha!” His father said, “Sure you can.” That day Leonardo learned about flexibility, adaptability and how to hide from your family when they move to Nebraska.

3 Ways to Be Giddily Happy In Your Retirement Years

Now that you are retired, you need to change how you are doing things to be joyful and carefree. Here are three tips to stay giddily happy in retirement.

Spend More Time on Personal Relationships

I don’t mean your spouse and family. I mean the cashier at the Dunkin Donuts who never makes fun of you for ordering two dozen donuts every morning for yourself, the Uber Eats driver who brings you meals at home because you are too lazy to go to an actual restaurant for dinner, and the waitress at the local IHOP who calls you Double Slammie because you always order two Grand Slam breakfasts for lunch every day.

Maintain Your Health

Now you don’t have any excuse to work out and exercise. You can’t tell yourself, “OK, I am going to work out today!” and then blow it off for three months because you “are too busy at work.”

Have Fun

You’ve been so busy being a driven, mean curmudgeon trying to be a Master of the Universe, you forgot how to have fun. You remember fun! Remember floating down the river in inner tubes drinking watery beer? That was fun. How about the time you went down the giant slide at the water park and your swimming suit flew off half way down. Good times. You need to do more that now.

5 Things You Should Do In Your 20s Before Having Kids and Buying a Home

Before you ruin your life by having kids and buying a house, try to get these five things done.

Pilot a Blimp

After you settle down, you’ll never be able to talk your spouse into letting you fly a blimp. “But what if it blows up like the Hindenburg?” they’ll say. That’s a tough objection to overcome.

Sing Loudly in the Shower

It’s much easier to sing loudly in the shower when you are single. Once you settle down, get ready for pounding on the wall of the bathroom, followed by yelling and complaining.

Drive Like the Cars in Fast and Furious

I don’t know what he did before he had had kids, but I remember when I was growing up my dad drove so slow we thought we’d never get home from church. So get it out of your system now. Once you have kids, you’ll drive like your grandpa on slow motion pills.

Paint Your Face for Football Games

Hey, this one is a stretch because, in reality, you probably shouldn’t be painting any part of your body to support your team after you graduate college. At State U, it’s perfectly acceptable. Once you are 25, it gets a little dicey. But go for it. This is your last shot. Just don’t plan on painting your kid’s face with the same color scheme down the road.

Golf Four Days in A Row Non-Stop in Your Own Town

In your twenties, you’ll think nothing of playing non-stop golf all over town for four days. Once you are hitched and popping out kids, your spouse will wonder where you have been. You can’t answer, “Well, Ted, Jim, Greg and I have been working on a massive environmental-impact study at several of the local park lands.”

Crazy Drivers: Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal sees every rush hour as a battle to the death, even if it takes them two hours to get home no matter what.

Today we were inching along…stop, go, stop, go…in rush hour traffic at 505pm on Wilshire Boulevard in LA. I stopped momentarily to let a car turn left in front of us.

Angry-In-Rush-Hour Gal in the car behind me leaned on the horn.

Really? That makes you mad? A car turning for one second is holding you up? Where are you going to go?

After the car turned left, we moved up…one space.

3 Things You Are Doing That Make Your Hair Stylist Go Insane

Ladies, you rely on your hair stylist to keep you looking attractive and sharp. Then why are you making them crazy doing these dumb things?

Don’t Know What You Want

It’s funny, but they don’t teach mind reading at hairstylist school. What did you expect? Were you waiting for your stylist to place their hands on your face like Spock and do a mind meld, instantly knowing what style you want? Hey, at least give them some idea, like, “I want to look like a blend of Nicole Kidman in ‘Eyes Wide Shut’ and a young Katy Perry.”

Coming in Late

Here is what the stylist wants to say: “Hey, sleepy-head. Don’t have an alarm clock at your house? Gee, we waited and pushed our whole salon schedule to accommodate you, because you know we love you. But the next time you come in late without calling and expect us to just slide you into a chair we have set aside for your highness, save your breath. Keep on driving down to Supercuts.”

Back Seat Driver

Your stylist doesn’t sit in the back of your car and say you missed the exit and ask why you are driving so slow. So why do you sit in the chair and second guess every clip of the scissors? Look, you may be right. It could come out wrong and you look like Kesha waking up after a five day bender. On the other hand, you might emerge as the Paris Fashion Week catwalk-strutting supermodel you think you really are. Let them drive.

How to Get People to Like You Fast

You’ll get ahead faster and move further in life if people like you. Here are some shortcuts to get people to like you quickly.

Mirror Their Movements

One common suggestion is to mirror someone’s movements to get them to feel comfortable around you. Try my twist on this method. I call it “Mirror Plus.” It adds something extra. If they scratch their nose, you should scratch the top of your head. If they talk with active hands, you should act even more animated. Try mimicking the hand movements of NFL referees.

Use Compliments

Even stone-faced, serious people respond well to compliments, they just won’t show it outwardly. Sprinkle positive comments to everyone you meet throughout the day.

On the elevator: “I really liked how you punched that button with authority.”

On the street: “Say, you have a cool dog. He seems to like chewing on my leg, but I like him.”

In the office: “Wow, that is a great haircut. Very soon you’ll be on the cover of ‘Weed Wacker Haircuts’ magazine.”

Be Warm and Friendly

Sometimes getting others to like you is just a matter of being warm and friendly. Say, “Hi, Champ!” or “Hey, Tiger!” to people if you don’t remember their name. Your big smile and open body language will communicate your warmth, even if it is obvious you don’t care enough to remember your coworkers’ names after working with them every day for 15 years.

3 Signs You Are Interviewing with a Bad Company

Everybody puts their best foot forward in the interview process. How do you know if the company you are interviewing is any good? Here are some signs of a bad company. Run.

Interview Pizzas

If they ask you to bring 10 pizzas, 25 Diet Cokes, 25 Cokes and a variety of 15 salads to the interview and it is on Friday at 1155am, you are interviewing with a bad company.

Onesies Policy

If the the company has a policy that all new employees must wear a onesie of their favorite super hero for the first year, stay away.

Speaker Series

If the company speaker series features the crossing guard at your kid’s school, avoid jumping on board this firm.

3 Things Babies Should Do At 3 Months Old

As a new parent, you are understandably concerned your three month old is on track and developing normally. Check for these three characteristics when they hit their three-month birthday.

Strong Tennis Serve

Baby should be able to get in the majority of first serves at 3 months old. Not there yet? Don’t worry. Most tennis pros know how to get babies back on plan.

Tie a Fisherman’s Knot

Nothing is more useful to a three-month-old than to be able to tie a secure Fisherman’s Knot. No more loose knots around the house.

Sing Opera

Opera is best heard from babies under six months old. Your three-month-old should have a good grasp of the arias in Madame Butterfly and Carmen.

3 Amazing Things You Should Know When Visiting Downtown Los Angeles

If you are heading to LA for fun or business, make sure you take time to visit the booming downtown area. Here are three “insider tips” that will make your visit extra special.

Twenty-cent Ice Cream Cones

Every day at the Grand Market a guy in a green suit and top hat sells 20-cent ice cream cones. Double cones are 40 cents and triples are 60 cents. Get there early because the line goes around the block. To get this low price you are required to participate in a country line dance on Grand Avenue that takes place every hour on the hour.

Free Lakers Tickets

One hour before every Lakers home game, the coach of the moment walks out on the balcony of Staples Center and throws free tickets into the plaza below. Some nights they give away 10 tickets and other nights it could be 100 tickets. It helps to have martial arts skills because it gets very competitive. Last year three people ended up in the hospital fighting for Lakers-Celtics tickets. One guy was stabbed by another fan wielding a “Lakers 3-Peat” ball-point pen.

New Bikes

To promote bike riding downtown, the city gives a new bike to each visitor. You must ride the bike at least once a day during your stay. After that, you are free to take it home with you to Des Moines, Atlanta or wherever you live. Please do not remove the slogan painted on the down tube which says “LA – So Fake, So Fabulous.”

3 Things I Never Understood About Kids

I don’t have kids. Maybe it’s a good thing because I recently found out three things about kids I had no clue about.

Kids Want to Be Fed

I didn’t get this one at first, but I found out kids need to be fed every day.  Every day??!! Yes, every day. I was stunned. I can’t imagine getting food prepared for a 4-year-old. Can they really taste the difference between different food items?

Kids Need a Ride To School

What? Parents drive their kids to school? Why? Get out and walk. What’s wrong with these coddling parents? Walking is good for kids. Just think how many steps they’ll get on Fitbit every day.

Kids Repeat Things Endlessly

I remember when my nephew watched “Ghostbusters” on home video. He was maybe 5-years-old. He sang that dang theme song over and over every day for months. Scientists don’t know why they do this, and there is no known cure.

 

3 Things You Probably Didn’t Know About Christmas

Christmas has been around a long time, but you probably didn’t know these interesting Christmas tidbits.

Pilgrims Outlawed Christmas

Some groups of Pilgrims outlawed Christmas. They thought it was a British custom they could do without. That, and they could never get up early enough to beat the crowds on the Black Friday shopping rush.

The Nativity Scene Was First Staged in 1223

St. Francis of Assisi came up with the first nativity scene in 1223. He also created the first professional ice hockey scenes you see displayed in NHL arenas featuring Wayne Gretzky as the Chosen One.

Xmas is Legit

I had a nun that taught us writing “Xmas” is blasphemous because it disrespects Jesus. Yet theologians say it is okay to write Xmas. X is the first Greek letter in the word “Christ,” and X was used in place of Jesus’ name for hundreds of years. It is not known if the apostles called him “X” to his face as in, “Hey X, can you convert some more water into wine. We are running low at this party.”

3 Types of Child Behavior You Shouldn’t Take Lightly

Are you a parent? Be aware of these child behaviors and take action quickly.

Screaming at the Top of Their Lungs

If your child screams at the top of her lungs in restaurants, malls and churches, congratulations. You have the next Christina Aguilera on hand. Get an agent and buy homes in Nashville and the Hollywood Hills.

Stealing Things From Others

Ever caught your precious stealing things from others? Encourage more of this. It shows they have creative thinking and problem solving skills. Later, when they are 18 or 19, if they are not in jail yet, you can explain it is not nice to steal.

Disrespectful Attitude

When you ask your child to take out the trash, do they say, “Yeah, right, do I work for the city now?” If so, you should write this down and send it in to Reader’s Digest. They will pay top dollar for cute things kids say. You may even want to have more kids to have an endless supply of material.