3 Reasons Your Diet is Failing You

Diets are hit and miss. And sometimes you can’t tell why they aren’t working. Here are three things to look for.

Not Drinking Enough Water

If you don’t drink enough water, your metabolism slows and kills fat burning. Carrying around a water bottle all day probably won’t do it. You want to get a part time job for a water bottle company and drive the truck to work, shopping, and fun activities. After every stop, down one of those giant jugs of water in the back. You may also want to add a bathroom on the truck as well.

Sneaking Calories

Are you taking sips of a Frappacino on the way to work, or sneaking potato chips from under your desk? My friend, those calories add up quick. Try handcuffing your wrists behind your back. You’ll reduce the amount of empty calories going in your mouth by 100 percent. You’ll have to learn to drive facing backwards, using your toes to touch the gas and brakes, but you will look better almost immediately.

Skipping Breakfast

Breakfast literally means, “break fast,” which was the term used during prison escapes when they had to run for the outer fence and cut it with pliers made from two kitchen knives tied together. If you are skipping breakfast, you make it hard for your body to get started again. Think of your metabolism like a car. After sitting still, you want to get it revving again by eating, well, anything: pancakes, scrambled eggs, leftover pizza, or those expensive cinnamon rolls in the back of the freezer you froze two days ago “for a future treat.”

Salads Lose Weight By Eating Salad

k11258-2----usda-salad-leafy-lettuce-vegetable-diet-fitness-nutritionI don’t know how they didn’t think of this before, but researchers have found that salads can lose weight by eating salad. The discovery has wide-ranging implications for the food and fitness industries.

I talked with Simple Ballo, the government researcher who made the discovery. “It makes total sense when you think about it,” said Ms. Ballo. “Salads are like the rest of us. They need good nutrition, but they also want to lose weight and look good on the beach in the summer. Eating more salad just makes sense.”

Ms. Ballo said of 100 salads in the study, 75 were able to lose weight by adding more salad to their daily diet, without increasing their exercise output. “Salads are inherently lazy,” she said. “Especially kale. My goodness, kale does nothing all day long.”

What Top Pro Basketball Players Eat Before Big Games


“For me, it’s all about calcium.”

– Kevin Love / Cleveland Cavaliers




“Just put butter on it.”

-Kevin Durant / Oklahoma City Thunder




“Cheese. Give me a Gouda or a nice chunk of Camembert and shut the door.”

– Tim Duncan / San Antonio Spurs




“Give me dessert. I love it. Before a big game, sometimes I eat nothing but Neapolitan milkshakes from In-N-Out.”

– Stephen Curry / Golden State Warriors




“I like sandwiches and some sweet cherry pie.”

– Blake Griffin / Los Angeles Clippers

Letting Go

I walked past an office window and glanced at the reflection. Ahhhhhhh! Oh, my God! Who is that? It wasn’t me. It was Tommy Lasorda.

Why do I look like Tommy Lasorda? Why is it so hard to lose weight? Because our society encourages us to eat too much. I went to a movie last week and I saw a sign behind the concession that said, “FREE REFILL ON 130 OUNCE COKES.” I like Coke, but the last thing I want after 130 ounces of Coke is another 130 ounces of Coke! Hey, can you show the movie in the men’s room because that’s where I’ll be for two hours.

I came up with a song to capture my pain. This is the first verse- it is sung to the tune of “Locomotion”:


A friend told me I just need to eat better. She eats healthy food and only in moderation. Come to think of it, I don’t know how she became my friend. To teach me the right food to buy, she took me to a natural food store.

I’ve never even heard of the place. I usually go to Ralph’s. As a single person, I normally grab a hand basket, race through the store and get out quick. A hand basket of food is usually thirty-five, forty or, if I splurge on some Pete’s Wicked Summer Brew beer, fifty dollars- at the most. At the natural foods place, one hand basket of healthy, natural food came to $7,000.

For what it cost at Ralph’s to buy a Totino’s Frozen Pepperoni Pizza, a box of Swift Premium Brown’N’Serve Sausage, a Pepperidge Farm Double Chocolate Cake, 2 packages of Chips Ahoy and 4 cartons of Jerseymaid Sour Cream, at the natural foods store you can get one organically grown tomato.

I’m trying to make some changes. I’m trying to eat healthy. I’m trying to learn some new habits. But I have to get a job at Kinko’s at night to pay for it!

The next day I decided to join a health club. My first day a tall guy with 2 percent body fat and two earrings introduced himself as my PERSONAL PHYSICAL COUNSELOR. I don’t remember his name exactly but it sounded like something from American Gladiators- like “Flame” or “Torch.” I hate guys like this- guys that eat whatever they want and still have only one size of jeans in the closet. “Torch” gave me my PERSONAL PHYSICAL ASSESSMENT interview.

“Let’s find out a little bit about you,” he said. “What is your current cholesterol count?”

“I don’t know exactly but it’s probably higher than my SAT scores.”

“Ever had headaches or nausea?”

“When my fiancee, Beth Reynier, broke off our engagement and kept the ring, I had both.”

“Any family history of heart disease?”

“Once- the summer I got my drivers license. When I told my dad I wrecked his 1965 Mercury Comet he went into cardiac arrest.”

None of these answers seemed to bother him. He didn’t want to talk to another dweeb trying to get into shape. He wanted to chat up the female Gladiators prancing through the club.

“Fine. Now let’s discuss your fitness goals,” he said without looking up.

I said, “My goals are simple. I want to be ripped. You know, cut. I want a six-pack. When I walk into a room I want women to snap their necks so hard they have to call paramedics. I want….”

He looked at me funny. Mrs. Ferguson, my fourth grade teacher, gave me the same look when Tommy Feehan and I couldn’t stop laughing when our class sang at the citywide School Choral Festival and Tommy’s twin brother Matthew fell backwards off the top bleacher.

Torch forged ahead, “Now, I’m going to place these calipers at various places on your body and the computer will read your body fat percentage.”

He clamped the calipers on my arm, thigh and calf. The computer registered that it had read the body fat with a “chirp.” Then he pinched my waist hard with the calipers. The computer rocked back and forth, spewing sparks and flames until smoke billowed out the back. Finally it exploded, falling off the stand and crashing to the floor.

“Don’t worry about it. We needed a new one, anyway.

OK, I have your results. The computer compiles all your information and prints a three letter code that summarizes your present fitness level. Your rating is DTW.”


“Dunlop Tire Waist.”

Carrot Diet Grows in Popularity

A diet based on carrots is the recommended program at new website CarrotsOnly.com. “After an exhaustive 15 year beta study, we are excited to offer our carrots diet to the public,” CarrotsOnly.com president Kent Billings said. “Carrots are good for your eyes, lower cholesterol and help prevent heart attacks and cancer. On our carrots only program, consumers will lose weight and live better lives.”

Followers of the diet eat 40 to 50 carrots a day every day and eat nothing else. “I feel better than ever,” said Greg Gilando, an recent advocate of the system, “and I can see like a hawk!”

Carrots are packed with beta carotene which converts to vitamin A in the body — Vitamin A helps improve vision. Beta carotene also gives carrots their color- Mr. Gilando’s skin has turned a dark shade of orange and green leaves are beginning to grow on his head. “I just tell people I am using a self-tanner,” he said.