Joe Ditzel

Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems

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Food and Restaurants
Joe Ditzel

Wahoo’s Fish Taco Employee Asks If Everything is Alright

“Is everything alright?” Culver City resident Barry Kirko was asked seconds after being served his Banzai Bowl with Chicken and Black Beans. Kirko had yet to put a forkful of the delicious meal in his mouth. “Great!” he said, resting his hand on the table top.

Leaning his head back for a sip of his Sobe Green Tea, another cheerful employee asked Kirko, “Is everything alright?” Kirko spilled a little of the elixir as he said “Yes. Very good.”

Kirko had killed off three forkfuls of rice and beans when a manager approached. “Is everything alright?”, he asked in an upbeat tone. “Yes, sir!” Kirko intoned as he made a mock salute.

Four hours later Kirko headed for the door. “Was everything alright?” the night crew called after him. Kirko waved as the door swung shut behind him.

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Clothing and Style
Joe Ditzel

Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store

Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”

“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.

The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.

“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”

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Social Media
Joe Ditzel

Facebook Buys World’s 15-22 Year Olds

To capitalize on it’s popularity among high school and college students, Facebook has purchased the rights to the lives of all 15-22 year olds worldwide. The company will have full rights including dictating who they vote for and who gets access to jobs and other opportunities.

“This is a great thing for the entire age group,” said Tyler Runyon, Facebook VP for Coolness. “Up to now we’ve only been able to get our users to rate each other’s “hotness” or to make crazy comments on each other’s pictures. By owning the kids outright we’ll be able to offer many more features to them.”

Brian Ostermyn, a sophomore at SUNY Albany said he supports the move. “Heck, if it helps me get into a good MBA program, I’m all in.”

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Travel and Places
Joe Ditzel

Man Arrested While Walking in Los Angeles

Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.

“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”

“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”

Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.

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Travel and Places
Joe Ditzel

Bowling Bowling Opens on Las Vegas Strip

High Life Properties today opened Bowling Bowling Casino and Hotel, the newest addition to the famed Las Vegas strip. Inspired by Las Vegas institutions Circus Circus and New York New York, Bowling Bowling features a bowling theme throughout. The main hotel tower is a giant bowling pin, towering 60 stories above the desert. Guests can choose from theme rooms including “The Game Room”, “Rock and Bowl”, and “Future Bowl”.

“I suggested we have guests wear bowling shoes at all times,” laughed General Manager Ed Beerinsky. “But cooler heads prevailed and we will let you wear your normal shoes.”

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