Brooks Brothers Closes Melrose Avenue Store

Traditional clothier Brooks Brothers closed their Melrose Avenue location in Los Angeles this week. “Our goal was to expand our client base to a younger customer,” said Charles Harris Witherington III, company spokesman. “It was our belief that we could appeal to the 15-23 year olds that make up the core of the Melrose Avenue clientele,” he said, cleaning his tortoise shell eyeglasses with an Irish linen handkerchief. “After 4 years and meager sales, we had to call it a day.”

“We tried several promotions- free transportation to the Marina Del Rey regatta, bus trips to the polo matches in Santa Barbara, and golf outings once a month. None of them really received a decent response,” he said.

The site has already been filled with a skateboarding shop and a trendy sunglasses boutique. Skater boys surveyed the Darkstar, Flip, Element, Baker, Plan B, and DC boards lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. A group of girls laughed as they tried on the oversized sunglasses from Fendi and Juicy Couture.

“For the most part they are good kids,” Mr. Witherington said, strolling past his old store. “I just wish they would’ve considered a nice Pima Ground Tattersall Sport Shirt combined with a Grey Check with Blue Rust Deco Sport Coat or something nice like that.”

Facebook Buys World’s 15-22 Year Olds

To capitalize on it’s popularity among high school and college students, Facebook has purchased the rights to the lives of all 15-22 year olds worldwide. The company will have full rights including dictating who they vote for and who gets access to jobs and other opportunities.

“This is a great thing for the entire age group,” said Tyler Runyon, Facebook VP for Coolness. “Up to now we’ve only been able to get our users to rate each other’s “hotness” or to make crazy comments on each other’s pictures. By owning the kids outright we’ll be able to offer many more features to them.”

Brian Ostermyn, a sophomore at SUNY Albany said he supports the move. “Heck, if it helps me get into a good MBA program, I’m all in.”

Man Arrested While Walking in Los Angeles

Hidale Gustap was arrested Friday night while walking along 3rd Street near the Farmers Market in Los Angeles. Police stopped Mr. Gustap as he kneeled to re-tie his shoe. Police protocol is to stop anyone walking in Los Angeles.

“People here drive everywhere. No one walks,” a police spokesman said. “Some people run for fitness and we look past that. But anyone walking is stopped and brought in for questioning.”

“I was just testing out my new pedometer,” complained Mr. Gustap. “I hadn’t gone eight blocks when two police cars drove up on the sidewalk and nearly hit me.”

Mr. Gustap was held for several hours and then released. “We kept the pedometer for testing. It could be a trigger for an IED,” the police said.

Bowling Bowling Opens on Las Vegas Strip

High Life Properties today opened Bowling Bowling Casino and Hotel, the newest addition to the famed Las Vegas strip. Inspired by Las Vegas institutions Circus Circus and New York New York, Bowling Bowling features a bowling theme throughout. The main hotel tower is a giant bowling pin, towering 60 stories above the desert. Guests can choose from theme rooms including “The Game Room”, “Rock and Bowl”, and “Future Bowl”.

“I suggested we have guests wear bowling shoes at all times,” laughed General Manager Ed Beerinsky. “But cooler heads prevailed and we will let you wear your normal shoes.”

LAUSD Utilizes Cross Walks for Math Education

The Los Angeles United School District announced today a pilot project that uses the new “countdown crosswalk lights” in math education. The new lights indicate to pedestrians how much time they have remaining to cross the street before the light changes. LAUSD plans to shepherd third graders back and forth across these crosswalks and observe reverse counting to enhance math skills.

Joe Ditzel News Update Archive: 1993-2000

  • Join in some great improv as Second City returns to the Improv stage in LA. We start at 730pm on Sunday Aug 13. (posted 8/6/00).


  • We had another great night at Lulu’s Beehive on 7/21.  With Amy Daulton, Mike Schmidt, David Feldman, Pamela Yager, Charles van Deventer, Bill Dwyer, John Dixon and MC Joe Ditzel. (7/22/00).


  • Some of my jokes are in Judy Brown’s new book Joke Stew (Andrews McMeel Publishing). The follow up to her highly successful Joke Soup, the sequel features “the best jokes from today’s funniest comedians.”  Joke Stew will be in bookstores around the middle of August (7/16/00).



  • Today I joined the Friars Club. Just call me Shecky. (5/11/00)


  • Andy Kindler explained “Gallagher Neat” and more at BarF2 (above Farfalla). Also featuring Gary Lucey, Nosmo King, Tess Rafferty, Pete Gray, Robb Fulcher, Sally Mullins, Vance Sanders and Chris McGuire. Sweeping up – Joe Ditzel, Greg Lobb, Riley Newton, Steve Benaquist , Ali (5/10/00).


  • I’ll be the MC at Lulu’s Beehive, one of LA’s hottest comedy spots. The show is late (11pm) and the audience is completely nuts. What more do you want? Get directions here.  Performers include Britain’s Moira Quirk,  the USA’s Steve Benaquist, Gary Lucey, Joe Wagner, Joe Wilson, Jimmy Dore, the incredible Paul Hopkins, Andrew Solmssen, and more (4/28/00).


  • The syndicated humor column “Joe Ditzel Has Some Problems” got picked up by (4/21/00).


  • Started training with Second City at their new school next door to the Improv. (4/7/00).


  •  Shot a new demo video demo in the Rose Hills Theater at Pomona College (4/15/00).


  • Take cover when I emcee the “Comedy is Dead” stand-up show at Monsoon in Santa Monica’s Third Street Promenade on Dec 13, 1999. Doors open at 8 (12/7/99).




  • PC Journal announced they will publish “Supergeek” in a two part series in the October and November issues. (9/20/99)


  • After the Gypsy (see below) its off  to emcee the Midnight Comedy Hour at Lulu’s Beehive in Studio City (11pm). Past comics have included Brett Butler and Larry David (co-creator of Seinfeld). (9/10/99).


  • I’ll be performing in the stand-up comedy show Gypsy’s, Tramps and Comedians at the Gypsy (Westwood) at 8p on Friday 9/10/99.


  • Today I published my first e-book called Fast Talking Disclaimer. What the hell is an e-book? I don’t really know either. Actually, it is like a regular book but there’s no paper. You read it on your computer. Whatever. Check it out here.


  • Humorist Keith MacDonald asked me to join a group of humor writers called the Net Wits. Check out the whole crew here. (8/21/99)


  • It’s old time Hollywood atmosphere meeting edgy new comedy on Tuesday, August 24 when I emcee at the Hollywood Roosevelt Hotel Cinegrill’s “Comedy Becomes Eclectic” with Greg Behrendt, Fred Belford, Jordy Fox, Jason Kuller, Christy Murphy, Mary Lynn Rajskub, and Mike Young. 8pm. No cover. (7/31/99)


  • Don’t forget to come to the Joe Ditzel Show on Thursday, August 19th. Surprise comedians, prizes (including Judy Brown’s bestselling book Joke Soup, CD’s, more) With guests Manuel, Jim Ryan, Jake West, Robb Fulcher, too many to count. 8pm. No cover. (7/15/99)


  • Leave Saturday, July 31st open to come to the New Lights Foundation Benefitat Unurban. Music, comedy, and more. (7/14/99)


  • I joined Stefani and Louis on their web-radio show Chatterbox to talk about my upcoming book. (7/14/99)


  • Come to the Guide Dogs for the Blind Benefit on Wed., Apr 28, 930p at Luna Park in West Hollywood. Have some laughs with David Misiewicz, Robb Fulcher, Steve Wagner, Tom Bottelsen and Kim Carson and more. All for only $5. Sheesh! (4/21/99)


  • The Joe Ditzel Column gets picked up by the Internet’s leading web syndicate (not the Mafia). (4/8/99)


  • Everybody had a great time at the American Cancer Society Benefit show last night at Luna Park. Thanks to Jake West, Vance Sanders, Sheila Wenz, Danielle Koenig, Boris, Paul Hopkins, and Tom Sharpe. (4/1/99)


  • Pictures from our successful fund raisers for Eclectic Theater and Company of Angels Theater. (3/99)


  • I’ll be joining the Comedy is Dead #2 shows at Ecletic Theater on Mar 4 and  Company of Angels Theater on Mar 8. Bring your friends!


  • ILook for the American Cancer Society Benefit at Luna Park in West Hollywood on Wed., Mar 31st at 730p. Guests include Vance Sanders, Carol Ann Leif, Jake West and more. (2/9/99)


  • Petterson’s is again the LA Weekly Comedy Pick of the Week. Check out number 8. (2/7/99)


  • It was Joe Ditzel Comedy Night when I emceed at the Unurban. We learned you have “about a minute”. (1/27/99)


  • Kim Carson is the host of the show called Shaken Not Stirred, featuring “L.A.’s funniest standup comics” (they’re everywhere!), at the Martini Lounge, 5657 Melrose Ave.; every Mon., 8 p.m.; $5. One-drink min. (323) 467-4068. (1/99)


  • On Dec. 3rd I played emcee for the Comedy is Dead showcase. Performers includes Vance Sanders, Zack Galifianakis, Steve Wagner, Arthur F. Montmorency (That 70’s Show), Martha Kelly, Peter Berkowitz, Lisa DeLarious, and special guest Andy Kindler (Everybody Loves Raymond).(12/3/98)



  • It was the annual imitate-a-fellow-comedian night at Petterson’s. Jake West blew the roof off with a dead-on Joe Ditzel imitation while Joe Wilson performed a killer Nosmo King. (11/24/98)


  • Cristy Murphy lost her mind and put me in the emcee slot for her Comedy Falloon show at the Complex Theater. Comedians on the menu- Laura House, Joe Wilson, Paul Hopkins, Cristy Murphy, Steve Neal, and more. (11/11/98)


  • Brennan’s close out this season’s Comedy Night with host John Shaughnessy, Jon Dixon,  Joe Ditzel and more. (11/10/98)


  • If you live in Southern California you know all too well how slow a round of golf is these days. I published my take on in it in The Opinion magazine. (10/29/98)


  • At The Lighthouse in Hermosa Beach I took my shots in The Comedy Shootout. (10/15/98)


  • Brian B. invited me down to L.A. Cabaret to join the CABLE READY COMICS show. A packed house watched emcee T.K., Brian B., Nooch, Lisa Casilla, and Mark Fernandez. (10/9/98)


  • Westwood Village is revitalizing these days and comedy is playing a role. Westwood Brewing Company has a packed comedy show on Wednesdays. A fast growing competitor is right around the corner at Duet. On October 7 I emceed the Blvd. Zoo Comedy Revue with Carol Ann Leif, Randy Kagan, Ed Krasnik, Zach Galafinakis, Jason Kuller, Shiela Wenz and more. (10/7/98)


  • Steve Wagner invited me to join his comedy showcase at Buzz. On the bill: Dan Klass, Tom Sharpe, Sheila Wenz. (9/24/98)



  • goes on line. (9/98)


  • I pitched in when Alexandra Karova took her show to the legitimate theater stage at the Complex Theater on “Theater Row”. (8/12/98)


  • Comedian and comedy show producer Vance Sanders had the idea of spoofing the big comedy festivals like Aspen and Montreal. The result was the Culver City Humor Arts Just Five Laughs Comedy Festival. I contributed the character of Canadian Comic “Gordy Bacon”. The whole mess became L.A. Weekly’s  Comedy Pick of the Week. (8/11/98)


  • Back to Luna Park with Alexandra Karova. (6/27/98)


  • Luna Park is the epicenter of the alternative comedy scene in L.A and was the site of Alex Karova’s show. (4/11/98)


  • Didn’t get nominated for an Oscar, Emmy or Tony? Do what Vance Sanders did. Start your own awards show- The SCOOMIES. There were lots of winners including L.A. Best, an inner city service organization that provides safe and supervised after school programs in high incident gang and drug neighborhoods. (3/31/98)


  • The Comedy Store was the site again for Alexandra Karova’s Alternative Comedy Night. (3/15/98)


  • Alexandra invited me back to the Comedy Store. (11/2/97)



  • One of the biggest crowds I performed for in those early days was at the Guys and Dolls Auction (auction off dates of single women and men) at the Grand Hyatt at Union Square in San Francisco. Over 2000 people were at this benefit for the Cystic Fibrosis Foundation. (4/6/95)


  • Tony Sparks invited me to perform at The Catfish Palace in Hunters Point to commemorate Black History Month. San Francisco. (2/25/95)


  • American Cancer Society benefit at Dooley’s Pub in the Marina in San Francisco. (12/1/94)


  • Tony Sparks set up a lot of the comedy rooms when I was starting out in San Francisco. We often performed at his comedy one-nighters at The Club Car- south of Market Street. (11/5/94)


  • Talking to a room full of comics except a table of my “people”- cousin Katy and her husband Rob. Aunt Marj manned the camera at Fubar’s in Martinez, CA. (4/94)


  • Press Release after I won the Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest in 1993 in Long Beach. (5/3/93)

Ditzel Publishes E-Book “Fast Talking Disclaimer”

For Immediate Release (9/7/99)


CONTACT: JOE DITZEL 310-721-6313

Ditzel Publishes E-Book “Fast Talking Disclaimer”

Joe Ditzel announced today he has published his first e-book: “Fast Talking Disclaimer”. It is a collection of some of the best of his Joe Ditzel Humor Column, humor columns that he sends out each week via e-mail to subscribers all over the world. The e-book will soon be available on For a limited time it will be given away free when people sign up for his humor column which they can do at

The title refers to radio commercials which make outrageous sales claims and then negate those claims just by having a guy talk real fast at the end- here is an excerpt:

“I heard a car commercial on the radio the other day that sounded a little unbelievable:

“The 1999 Violator is available for a limited time for only $99/ month!”

Then at the end of the commercial a guy started talking real fast:

“$99 month is a 6 month lease only on approved credit. Capital reduction fee of $15,000. Does not include car doors, rear bumper or left side tires.”

He negated everything about the commercial by putting a fast-talking disclaimer afterwards! Wouldn’t that be great if you could do that in your real life?

Claim: I am going to start running every day.

Fast Talking Disclaimer: Running every day does include not religious holidays, Thanksgiving, New Years Day, Groundhog Day, days I am too tired to run, days I am not too tired to run but a Seinfeld episode comes on that I haven’t seen, Mondays, Fridays, and any other days ending in ‘y’.”

E-books are similar to regular books except they are not printed on paper. They are downloaded and either read on screen or printed out by the buyer. One of the main advantages is immediate delivery.

Soon “Fast Talking Disclaimer” will be available on popular handheld book readers like Rocketbook and Softbook as well as personal digital assistants like the Palm Pilot V. E-Books are the fastest growing part of publishing today.