10 alternatives to mail-in ballots the White House is considering

Donald Trump recently announced that “you can’t have a real democracy with mail-in ballots.” Not one to shy away from innovative thinking, his team is reportedly considering several cutting-edge replacements. None of them involve mailing anything, but most of them do involve breaking local ordinances, confusing livestock, or violating at least three safety codes.

Carrier Pigeons With Attitude

Forget envelopes. You’ll get a pigeon with your candidate’s name scrawled on its wings. Release it toward D.C. and pray it doesn’t get distracted by a bread truck in Akron.

Gender Reveal Ballot Balloons

You mark your choice by inflating a giant balloon filled with pink or blue powder, depending on the candidate’s hair color. Once popped, it alerts the entire neighborhood to your vote and your inability to keep anything private.

Star Trek Transporter Beams

The plan: you step on the pad, say “Beam my ballot to Mar-a-Lago,” and hope Scotty isn’t drunk. Of course, the transporter might scramble your vote with your neighbor’s DNA and you both end up part of a new political party called “Bidenstein.”

Bow and Arrow Delivery

Each voter gets a compound bow and one chance to fire their ballot into the nearest courthouse window. Most judges are already wearing hockey goalie masks.

Trebuchet Voting

You’ll load your ballot into a medieval siege engine, crank it back, and launch it over the walls of the Capitol. Accuracy is optional. Congress will hire interns with butterfly nets.

Dukes of Hazzard Airborne Drop

The official ballot drop-box will be located only at county fairs. To cast your vote, you must drive a Dodge Charger at high speed, leap over a hay bale ramp, and toss your ballot into a barrel mid-air. Bonus points for playing “Good Ol’ Boys” at max volume.

Pogo Stick Submission

Each voter is issued a pogo stick and must bounce to their local polling station. Results could take longer as election officials are waiting for fractured ankles to heal before counting.

Drive-Thru Slip-n-Slide

A 300-foot slip-n-slide covered in Crisco leads directly to the ballot box. You must fling your vote mid-slide, knowing it will probably stick to someone’s back and elect their chiropractor.

Shouting Your Vote Into the Grand Canyon

Simply walk up to the rim, yell “KAMALA!” or “TRUMP!” at maximum volume, and let nature echo it into eternity. Park rangers will tally based on decibel level.

Tattoo Ballots

Votes will now be counted based on tattoos. You want Harris? Tattoo her face on your calf. Trump? His name across your forehead in Gothic font. Democracy was always supposed to be permanent, right?