10 crimes fought by the National Guard
They sent in the National Guard to Washington DC. Here are 10 of the most common crimes they fight every day.
1. Sidewalk Hoarders
Three friends march shoulder-to-shoulder down a narrow sidewalk, chatting happily while you trail behind like a stray dog hoping to be adopted. They hear you, they sense you, they know you’re there—and yet they refuse to budge even a single shoulder-width. Sentence: 30 days of staggered walking drills while strangers breathe directly on their necks.
2. Grocery Store Sample Squatters
We’ve all seen them—the freeloaders who post up at the Costco pizza bagel-bites stand, chewing through their seventh sample and pretending they’re “thinking about buying.” We all know they never will. Punishment: permanent exile to the celery-and-hummus table. Toothpick privileges revoked for life.
3. Left-Lane Sloths
The drivers who drift into the fast lane, plant themselves at the speed limit, and smugly believe they’re teaching the rest of us “a lesson.” Sentence: 1,000 hours trapped in rush-hour traffic while a Honda Civic with a spoiler rides their bumper and blasts Pitbull.
4. Elevator Phone Broadcasters
Why yes, we’d all love to hear your half-shouted breakup negotiation on speakerphone during this 14-floor ride. Sentence: permanent ban from elevators. They’ll have to climb stairs while carrying a Nokia brick phone that never hangs up.
5. Gym Equipment Campers
You know them: they sit on the bench press scrolling TikTok for fifteen minutes, occasionally sighing like they’re about to work out, but never actually lifting anything heavier than their thumbs. Sentence: 500 burpees in a row, supervised by a trainer who screams “LESS SCROLL, MORE SWEAT” directly into their AirPods.
6. The Office Microwave Bandit
The one who reheats leftover salmon, or worse, boiled eggs, stinking up the breakroom until everyone smells like they’ve been working on a shrimp boat. Sentence: solitary confinement with 1,000 Yankee Candle air fresheners lit at once.
7. Movie Theater Narrators
That guy who loudly explains the plot to his date as if she’s watching the movie through a shower curtain: “See, honey, that’s the bad guy. He’s mad because of what happened earlier.” Sentence: eternal purgatory where every film they watch is just the director’s commentary track.
8. Grocery Line Wanderers
We all know the type: they wait until it’s their turn at checkout, then suddenly remember they need milk, eggs, and possibly a chainsaw. Off they jog, leaving the entire line stalled while the cashier stares into the void. Punishment: they can only shop during Black Friday stampedes at Walmart, armed with nothing but a tiny hand basket.
9. Escalator Statues
There’s an unwritten rule: stand right, walk left. But no—these human traffic cones plant themselves on the left side of the escalator, blocking the passing lane and daring anyone to squeeze past. Sentence: escalator etiquette boot camp, complete with angry commuters bellowing “EXCUSE ME!” into their ears every three seconds.
10. Coffee Shop Laptop Colonizers
These are the worst. They treat Starbucks like a private office: two laptops, a giant monitor, a printer, a crockpot, and yes—someone once wheeled in a treadmill desk. And heaven help you if you ask, “Is this seat taken?” Sentence: stripped of their oat-milk privileges, forced to drink gas station coffee while working from a wobbly plastic patio table next to a bee nest.
