10 more signs you picked the wrong therapist

10 more signs you picked the wrong therapist:

1. Location: Their office doubles as a haunted house on weekends. Two traumas for the price of one!
2. Reception: Their receptionist is a parrot that keeps squawking, “Who’s a crazy bird? You’re a crazy bird!”
3. Shared Space: Instead of being alone in the session, you’re joined by their mom who’s there “just to give some helpful input.”
4. The Subliminal Approach: They insist on playing whale sounds, but you’re pretty sure you can hear them whispering, “Buy my self-help book” in between the oceanic melodies.
5. Dress Code: They wear a shirt that says, “I’m not a therapist, but I play one on TV.”
6. Support System: When you cry, they hand you a mop and say, “We all clean up our own messes here.”
7. Coping Strategies: Their primary method for stress relief is watching cat videos together. Not the worst idea, to be honest.
8. Relevance: They consistently refer to your problems as “first world” and compare them to their struggle of choosing between oat and almond milk.
9. Language Barrier: They nod sagely and say, “Interesting, tell me more,” but you’re starting to suspect they don’t actually speak English.
10. Post-Session Feedback: At the end of your session, they hand you a comment card asking for a Yelp review and a 5-star rating.