10 NFL Team-Specific Cuts by Elon Musk’s Department of Government Efficiency
The Dallas Cowboys “America’s Team” Branding Council
This group worked tirelessly to maintain the Cowboys’ image as “America’s Team,” despite decades of playoff disappointments. Musk slashed its $15 million budget, tweeting, “America deserves a winner. Rebrand as ‘Texas’s Third-Best.’”
The Cleveland Browns Trophy Dusting Task Force
This team of historians and janitors was tasked with keeping the Browns’ last trophy (from 1964) shiny and ready for photo ops. Musk axed it, quipping, “At this point, just sell it on eBay.”
The Green Bay Packers Cheesehead Licensing Office
This office verified the authenticity of every foam cheesehead sold nationwide. Musk closed it, tweeting, “Cheese doesn’t need paperwork. Just let fans wear the cheese.”
The New York Jets Flight Simulation Program
Designed to enhance the “aviation identity” of the Jets, this program spent $8 million annually on virtual flight training for players. Musk ended it, saying, “They don’t need flight lessons; they need landing lessons in the end zone.”
The Jacksonville Jaguars Roar Enhancement Lab
This lab was dedicated to engineering the perfect artificial jaguar roar for games. Musk cut its funding, tweeting, “Just use a soundboard from Lion King. No one will notice.”
The Detroit Lions Thanksgiving Victories Initiative
This initiative aimed to improve the Lions’ Thanksgiving game record by analyzing historical losses. Musk killed it, tweeting, “The Lions losing on Thanksgiving is a tradition. Stop fighting destiny.”
The Philadelphia Eagles Grease Prevention Task Force
After Eagles fans climbed greased poles during their Super Bowl run, this task force developed better anti-climbing measures. Musk eliminated it, saying, “Let them climb. The poles are winning more than the NFC East.”
The Las Vegas Raiders Eyeliner Reimbursement Program
This program offered subsidies for fans perfecting their pirate-themed eyeliner looks. Musk shut it down, tweeting, “If you can afford tickets in Vegas, you can afford eyeliner.”
The New England Patriots Cold Weather Ball Inflation Monitoring Office
Established after Deflategate, this office meticulously measured every football used in cold weather games. Musk called it “bureaucratic overkill,” adding, “Tom Brady doesn’t even work here anymore.”
The Minnesota Vikings Norse Heritage Fund
This fund promoted Scandinavian culture at games, including horn-blowing contests and lutefisk stands. Musk defunded it, tweeting, “Your ancestors conquered continents. Now you’re losing to the Bears. Sad.”
What’s Next for Musk’s Chop Block?
Rumor has it the Miami Dolphins Aqua Uniform Approval Panel is on thin ice. Musk hinted, “If the uniforms don’t make them win, does the shade of aqua really matter?”
