10 possible reasons Trump wants to prosecute Beyoncé
Donald Trump announced he is considering prosecuting Beyoncé. But why? I talked to my contacts and these are 10 possible reasons he might go after Queen Bey.
1. Unauthorized Use of the Word ‘Flawless’
According to a whisper campaign from within the Mar-a-Lago guest towel staff, Trump believes he invented the concept of “being flawless” and Beyoncé’s hit song is “intellectual property theft.” He reportedly shouted, “I was called flawless first—by Ivana—after I hit a 72 at Bedminster with no mulligans. Zero.”
2. Running a Shadow Government of the Beyhive
Trump is allegedly alarmed by the sheer devotion of Beyoncé’s fanbase, believing the Beyhive operates like a “deep state militia.” One insider said he fears they’re “more organized than the actual Cabinet,” and may have more foreign policy experience than anyone in his administration.
3. Witchcraft in the Third Degree (via Choreography)
There is speculation Trump believes Beyoncé cast a spell on America during her 2013 Super Bowl performance. “Too many people were hypnotized,” he claimed, reportedly while watching it on loop with a half-eaten Filet-O-Fish balanced on his knee. “That’s sorcery. Illegal sorcery. Possibly French.”
4. Tax Fraud… for the Lemonade Stand
He insists Beyoncé never reported income from her “lemonade operation,” referencing her visual album Lemonade. “She sold lemonade. She made millions. Not declared. I understand these things,” Trump told reporters, while motioning toward a chart labeled “Juice Crimes.”
5. Formation of a Non-Governmental Formation
Trump believes the song Formation is “an illegal attempt to start a paramilitary dance unit.” He allegedly asked DHS to investigate whether Beyoncé is planning to lead a high-heeled coup using synchronized elbow movements and postmodern feminism.
6. Misuse of Sasha and Malia
In what may be a confused attempt to attack Michelle Obama, Trump is convinced Beyoncé “borrowed the Obama girls without permission” for a music video. Sources claim he watched Black Is King and muttered, “That’s Malia. Or Sasha. Or both. That’s kidnapping. Federal crime.”
7. Felony-level Upstaging at Inauguration
Trump has never forgiven Beyoncé for performing at Obama’s 2013 inauguration. He’s now floated charges of “aesthetic intimidation” and “illegal vocal excellence.” “She sang the anthem too good,” he reportedly whined to Steve Bannon. “It made me look like a ferret with bronchitis.”
8. Controlling the Weather at Coachella
Trump staffers claim Queen Bey “weaponized meteorology” during her 2018 Coachella performance, adjusting wind levels and lighting to “create unnatural perfection.” One adviser said, “She may have actually summoned a small rain cloud just to mist her shoulders.”
9. Overuse of the Word ‘Yoncé’ Without Filing an LLC
He’s demanding to see her corporate documents. “If she’s using ‘Yoncé’ as a brand, she needs to register it. I did that with Trump Steaks. Which were… not bad!” he added, staring into the distance as if remembering a more carnivorous time.
10. Failing to Endorse Ivanka’s Handbags
Lastly, Trump is reportedly furious Beyoncé didn’t publicly endorse Ivanka’s 2016 handbag line. “You promote women, right?” Trump allegedly yelled into a gold-plated Bluetooth speaker. “Well my daughter is a woman. A terrific woman. And not a single mention of her pleather clutch collection?”
