10 reasons Trump wants to take over Greenland
A Year-Round Christmas Wonderland
By taking over Greenland, Trump could transform it into the ultimate holiday destination, rebranding it as “North Pole Adjacent.” Every town would become a miniature Santa’s village, complete with MAGA-branded elves handing out tax-deductible toys. The nation’s year-round Christmas spirit would be unmatched, and tourists who complain that the holidays are too short would finally have a place to escape. Trump himself would oversee the ribbon-cutting at the world’s largest candy cane factory.
The World’s Most Extreme Golf Course
Greenland’s icy tundras are a golfer’s dream—or nightmare—just waiting to happen. Trump envisions converting the glaciers into “The Frosty Fairway,” a record-breaking golf course featuring the first par-500 hole. Polar bear sightings would add a touch of danger, while the ever-present wind would give players the ultimate test of skill. Naturally, each hole would include a bronze plaque commemorating Trump’s vision.
Keeping Canada in Check
With Greenland under U.S. control, America would suddenly have prime real estate right in Canada’s backyard. Trump could leverage this proximity to renegotiate maple syrup trade agreements and slap tariffs on every ounce of Canadian bacon crossing the border. And in a truly bold move, he could rename Greenland “North South Dakota,” creating a geographical nightmare for mapmakers and endless confusion for Canadians.
A Glacier Bottling Goldmine
As Greenland’s glaciers continue to melt, Trump sees opportunity. “We’re going to bottle the ice and sell it,” he’d say, pitching “Trump Water: Arctic Edition” as the world’s most exclusive beverage. Each ice cube would come with a certificate of authenticity declaring it as a relic of “the pre-global warming era.” Billionaires would scramble to stock their freezers.
The Largest Desert Ever Built
If there’s one thing Greenland’s vast, frozen beaches lack, it’s sand. Trump could fix this by importing millions of tons of golden grains to create the world’s largest artificial desert. Dubbed “The Arctic Sahara,” it would double as a tourist attraction and an environmental statement. “Deserts don’t melt, folks,” he’d explain, smugly waving a chart that proves nothing.
Reality TV Like You’ve Never Seen
Greenland is a ready-made set for the ultimate survival reality show. Trump would bring influencers and celebrities to battle the elements in a harsh Arctic landscape. Each episode, narrated by Trump himself, would feature polar bear standoffs and desperate hunts for food. “It’s The Apprentice meets Survivor,” he’d boast, predicting ratings that would “make Netflix cry.”
An Army of Polar Bears
Greenland’s untapped military potential is enormous—especially in the form of polar bears. Trump’s plan would train these majestic creatures to patrol the Arctic, creating what he calls “the most tremendous animal force in history.” Outfitted with MAGA-red uniforms and gold medals for service, the polar bears would make any foreign adversary think twice about approaching.
Trump Tower Arctic
The possibilities for luxury development are endless. Trump would break ground on Trump Tower Arctic, a 900-story skyscraper that doubles as a space elevator. The top floor would offer unparalleled views of the aurora borealis, while NASA could lease floors for research. “It’ll be the tallest building on Earth and technically the closest to Mars,” Trump would explain, calling it a win for science and ego alike.
Cornering the Ice Market
Owning Greenland would mean controlling the world’s supply of ice—an often-overlooked commodity in the global power game. Trump could position the U.S. as the exclusive supplier of cocktail ice, ensuring no cold drink is served anywhere without American approval. “Without us, no one gets a cold martini again,” he’d declare, relishing the geopolitical leverage.
Welcome to Trumplandia
Greenland’s name is, frankly, misleading. Where’s the green? Trump would solve this branding issue by renaming it Trumplandia. Golden fjords, state-of-the-art tanning salons, and a coastline lined with statues of the man himself would ensure it becomes the crown jewel of the Western Hemisphere. “They’ll say it’s the most beautiful place in the world,” Trump would promise, “and they’ll be right.”
And if Greenland proves too stubborn? There’s always Iceland. It has a catchy name and fewer glaciers to deal with.
