10 things cocky car salespeople say
Enter a relationship
“You don’t *buy* a car from me—you *enter a relationship* with greatness. The cars I sell aren’t just vehicles; they’re lifestyle choices. Every detail, from the stitching in the leather to the tire pressure, was handpicked by me—well, maybe not physically, but spiritually. You’ll be driving a reflection of my superior taste. In fact, people will look at you and say, ‘Wow, they know *him*!’ And honestly, isn’t that what you really want? A piece of my legacy rolling down the highway? This is the best decision you’ll make all year.”
Negotiations
“Let me tell you something about negotiations, alright? Some people like to think they’re getting a ‘deal.’ With me? You’re getting a *steal*. I don’t even need to lower the price to give you that rush of adrenaline. No, no. I can make you *feel* like you just haggled with the gods, but really, I just expertly guided you into realizing this car is already the best thing that’s ever happened to you. Am I manipulative? Maybe. But that’s because I’m operating on a higher plane of salesmanship.”
Not bragging
“Now, I’m not one to brag—okay, maybe I am—but the last time I sold a car, the customer left the dealership and called me ten minutes later. They said, ‘I don’t even care about the car. I just want to hear your voice again.’ I’ve got that kind of effect on people. I’m basically a therapist for anyone experiencing automotive indecision. And hey, you’re sitting here now, so clearly, you need a session. Buckle up, because by the time we’re done, you won’t just drive out of here—you’ll *ascend* out of here.”
My secret
“Look, my secret is that I don’t sell cars. I sell *destiny*. You think you’re picking out a car? Oh no. The car is picking *you*. When I hand you those keys, it’s not just a transaction; it’s a transformation. You become part of an elite club, a fraternity of people who understand true quality. And I don’t mean the car—I mean the *me* behind the car. People don’t drive away from here—they drive away with a little piece of *me* in their lives. And trust me, you’re going to *want* that.”
Get real
“Let’s get real for a second. You’ve probably been to other dealerships today, talked to other salespeople who ‘want your business.’ Cute. But you’re here now, with me. That’s not a coincidence; that’s fate slapping you in the face and saying, ‘Wake up! This is where legends are made!’ Every car I touch turns to gold—metaphorically, of course, but you get the idea. My handshake alone increases a car’s resale value. So, stop wasting time with amateurs and let’s get you into something that says, ‘I know greatness personally.’”
Test drive
“I don’t believe in ‘test drives.’ What I offer is a *life experience*. When you get in that car, you’re not testing anything—you’re auditioning to see if you’re worthy of the *car’s* attention. I’ve had people walk out of here thinking they were just gonna spin the block, only to come back saying, ‘This car and I are one. It’s like you knew, man, you knew!’ And I’m like, ‘Of course, I knew. It’s my gift.’ You’re not just getting a vehicle—you’re getting a vision. My vision, to be exact.”
Floor mats
“Here’s a little story for you: I once sold a car to a guy who didn’t even need a car. He came in looking for a set of floor mats for his wife’s sedan, and I had him driving off in a brand-new sports car by lunch. Why? Because I showed him what he didn’t even know he needed. That’s the power I have. Some people say it’s magic. I say it’s just knowing people better than they know themselves. If I can do that with a guy who came for floor mats, imagine what I can do for *you*.”
The dream
“You know, I’ve always said, ‘It’s not about selling the car; it’s about selling the *dream*.’ And I’m the dream salesman. People come in here thinking they’re looking for transportation, but I quickly show them they’re actually looking for *aspiration*. You don’t buy a car because you need to go places; you buy a car because you need to *become* someone. And I’m the guy who makes that happen. This isn’t just a dealership—it’s a personality upgrade center, and I’m the upgrade expert.”
Close deals
“I don’t just close deals—I *finish* lives. People walk in here as one person and leave as someone completely transformed. I had this one guy, total skeptic, didn’t want to buy anything. By the time he left, he was shaking my hand, saying, ‘I don’t even care about the car—I’m just glad I met *you*.’ I changed his life, and it had nothing to do with the vehicle. The vehicle was just the cherry on top. What I do is bigger than cars. I sell *meaning*, and honestly, how many people can say that?”
Horsepower
“Other salesmen talk about horsepower, mileage, warranties. Please, I’m on a higher level. When you come to me, you’re buying *exclusivity*. I don’t care if the car has 200 or 500 horsepower—I care if it matches your energy. It’s about *vibe alignment*, alright? That’s what I do. I align vibes. When you drive off my lot, you don’t just leave with a car—you leave with a new cosmic frequency. And let me tell you, not everyone can handle that kind of responsibility. But I can tell you can, because you’re sitting here with me.”
