10 things that will happen in 2025 due to the rare alignment of planets
According to NASA, six planets — Venus, Mars, Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus, and Neptune — will align and light up the night sky through the end of this month (Jan 2025). Of course, conspiracy theorists haven’t been this excited since the Great Birds-Aren’t-Real Movement of 2020, when they swore every pigeon was a government drone recharging on power lines and spying on people’s bad haircuts.
Or maybe the infamous “5G Causes Jazz Hands” scare of 2021, where people blamed cell towers for their inability to stop snapping rhythmically in public.
Honestly, the planet alignment is the biggest conspiracy theorist bonanza since someone claimed Taco Bell’s Crunchwrap Supreme was designed by the Illuminati to suppress free will.
But here are ten things we are SURE will happen due to this rare phenomenon:
Your Horoscope Will Get Unusually Specific
Thanks to the alignment, astrologers will go into overdrive. Geminis will reportedly find themselves buying matching Crocs for their cats, completely unplanned. Leos will get into heated debates about why soup isn’t a drink, and Capricorns will mysteriously encounter a stranger who’s very passionate about lint collecting. Coincidence? The stars say no.
Aliens Will Finally Slide Into Our DMs
In an unprecedented cosmic event, Earth will receive a brief but intriguing transmission from a neighboring galaxy. The message? “Hey, you up? We saw your planet’s alignment pics. 🔥” The real mystery will be whether they used a galaxy-wide Wi-Fi signal or interstellar Bluetooth.
Earth’s Orbit Will Get an Awkward Nudge
Jupiter, being the show-off it is, will flex its gravitational pull, causing Earth to rotate 2% faster. Days will feel a little shorter, and Starbucks will adapt by rolling out half-hour happy hours. Meanwhile, your boss will reschedule a meeting for 2:97 PM, claiming “the alignment threw everything off.”
Romcoms Will Include Space-Themed Meet-Cutes
Forget coffee shops and bumping into each other at dog parks. The hot romcom trope of 2025 will feature star-crossed lovers meeting while trying to find Uranus with binoculars. One character will mispronounce “Orion’s Belt,” and the rest will be movie magic.
Planet-Themed Baby Names Will Trend
Move over, Emma and Liam; Mercury, Saturn, and Venus are about to dominate playgrounds. Expect kindergartners named “Pluto-is-still-a-planet Jones” and middle school debates over whether Neptune sounds cooler as a first or middle name. Venus Johnson will spend her year explaining that no, she’s not named after a razor brand.
Global Wi-Fi Will Mysteriously Improve
Saturn’s rings will unexpectedly bounce internet signals across the solar system, creating blazing-fast Wi-Fi speeds. Your basement connection will suddenly rival that of Google’s headquarters, and conspiracy theorists will argue it’s all part of a celestial tech trial run.
A Brand-New Conspiracy Theory Will Arise
Speaking of theorists, the alignment will give birth to “AlignGate.” The movement will claim the planets were never actually aligned but were part of a Hollywood hoax filmed in a Burbank parking lot. Memes of Jupiter wearing green screen dots will flood social media.
Astrology Will Go Corporate
Brace yourself for Mercury Retrograde, now brought to you by Monster Energy. The new slogan? “If your life’s a mess, blame Monster. Unleash the chaos!” Horoscopes will come with QR codes linking to energy drink promotions and limited-edition crystal-shaped cans.
NASA Will Accidentally Reveal Our Solar System’s Spotify Playlist
Somewhere in the excitement, NASA will inadvertently disclose that the planets have their own Spotify playlist. Tracks will include Intergalactic by the Beastie Boys and Fly Me to the Moon. Jupiter’s been secretly vibing to Taylor Swift, while Saturn remains a die-hard Metallica fan.
A New Holiday Will Be Born: Planetary Day
Hallmark will seize the opportunity to create “Planetary Day,” complete with cards that say, “You’re out of this world!” or “I’d orbit you any day.” Families will exchange chocolate telescopes, complain about how the holiday has gotten too commercialized, and blame Saturn for their candy budget.
