10 things Trump failed to get done as President
Today, Nov. 4, is Election Day In America. Voters are choosing between Kamala Harris/Democrat and Donald Trump/Republican. Trump is often credited for getting a lot done the last time he was in the Big Chair. But is that true? My investigation revealed 10 things he promised up and down the campaign trail, but somehow failed to materialize.
Build a 400-mile-long “Luxury Wall Resort” with 24-hour poolside service and “patriot cabanas”
Trump claimed the wall would have a “five-star experience” on the American side. Each mile would feature infinity pools, spas, and shaded “patriot cabanas” decorated with red, white, and blue beach towels. Guests would sip complimentary margaritas while watching what he called “front-row live footage of border security,” which in reality was supposed to be a scenic view of cacti and tumbleweeds. There was even talk of a nightly fireworks show set to Lee Greenwood’s God Bless the U.S.A.
Replace all exit signs in America with his face pointing the way out
To “truly guide Americans,” Trump proposed replacing every exit sign in federal buildings with a photo of himself, proudly pointing the way. This face would change expression depending on the direction of the emergency exit—serious for fire, joyful for tornado, and slightly confused for earthquakes. While no one quite understood the reasoning, he assured Americans that “when they see my face, they’ll know where safety is.”
Paint Air Force One in gold and add a glitter cannon
In an attempt to “Americanize the skies,” Trump announced his intent to give Air Force One a “glow up,” which would include a gold exterior and a glitter cannon. This cannon would spray glitter at takeoff and landing “to remind the world we’re fabulous.” Engineers and security experts warned him about the impracticality, but he was undeterred, envisioning a future where world leaders greeted him in sunglasses due to the glare.
Introduce “TrumpCare” — a healthcare plan that includes a free steak every month
Trump’s proposed healthcare plan included a voucher for a 12-ounce ribeye each month from “one of my fine Trump Steakhouses,” though many found the offer confusing because most of the steakhouses had closed by 2009. There were assurances that the plan would “keep Americans hearty,” though experts noted this would do little for cholesterol management.
Install “Super American” weather stations that forecast weather only when it’s patriotic
Promising to cut down on “whiny rain and sissy snow,” Trump envisioned weather stations that would announce only “American weather”—sunshine, warmth, and “inspirational breezes.” Any forecast of storms, he said, would be relabeled as “brave gusts.” He imagined radio hosts reporting daily “freedom forecasts” that were always sunny. When asked how the stations would work, Trump shrugged and said, “It’s about vibes, not science.”
Rename the White House to the “House of Winning”
The term “White House” was “outdated” in Trump’s view. He imagined Americans referring to the president’s residence as the “House of Winning,” complete with marble plaques reading “Make America Win Again” at every entrance. At his hypothetical “Winning House Gift Shop,” tourists would find gold-rimmed shot glasses, trucker hats, and foam fingers pointing up in #1.
Introduce a mandatory “Winning Pose” in all schools
In every gym class across America, Trump wanted kids to end each P.E. session with a “winning pose,” complete with his iconic thumbs-up and lip-pout combination. He claimed it would help children learn “the posture of success.” Gym teachers would be instructed to play “Eye of the Tiger” during these sessions and correct any child who wasn’t “believably victorious.”
Fill the Grand Canyon with “good, solid, made-in-America water”
Trump floated the idea of filling the Grand Canyon with water as a “monument to American abundance.” His plan called for 600 million gallons of “the best water, I’m telling you, really strong water,” from a mystery supplier. The idea was to let Americans jet-ski in Arizona while “preserving the canyon underneath.” Environmentalists balked, but he insisted that “the fish would love it.”
Establish “TrumpTV”—a daily channel about him doing “regular things”
Trump once mentioned a 24/7 network dedicated to “showing Trump doing Trump.” The programming would include segments like Trump’s Daily Comb-Over Routine, Trump Eats Breakfast (With Bacon Cams), and Trump Watches Golf at 11 A.M. He envisioned Americans tuning in to see his “ordinary moments,” but the proposal fizzled after networks pointed out how hard it was to make eggs and bacon dramatic.
Mandate that all government-issued paper have a faint “Trump watermark”
As a “security measure,” Trump wanted every government document to have a watermark with his face faintly visible when held up to the light. He was particularly adamant that “even tax documents” carry his image, arguing that Americans would find “great reassurance” seeing his silhouette on a check. The Treasury Department pushed back, citing printing costs, and the idea quietly faded.
