10 ways Trump plans to cover the missing $4.77 trillion
The President recently floated the exciting possibility that tariff revenue could replace income tax revenue entirely. This is fantastic news for Americans who hate paying taxes, which is all Americans.
There’s just one tiny wrinkle. In 2024, federal tax revenue exceeded $5 trillion. Projected tariff revenue for 2026 is approximately $230 billion. For those of you who went to public school before we could afford math teachers, that leaves a gap of roughly $4.77 trillion.
But why focus on problems when we can focus on solutions? Until tariff revenue “catches up”—which economists assure me will happen any day now, possibly after the sun expands into a red giant—here are ten practical ways the federal government can make up the difference.
1. Air Force Crop Dusting Services
Those F-35s cost $80 million each, and they’re just sitting there between wars. Why not put them to work? For a reasonable fee, American farmers can have their soybeans dusted at Mach 1.6. Sure, the sonic booms might flatten the barn, but think of the efficiency. Estimated revenue: $400 million annually, plus whatever we can get for the “I Got Crop Dusted by a Stealth Fighter” merchandise.
2. Rent Out the International Space Station
NASA’s been hogging this orbital real estate for decades. Time to monetize. Bachelor parties, gender reveal events (finally, one that can’t start a wildfire), or corporate retreats where “team-building exercises” include not dying in the vacuum of space. Starting rate: $50 million per night, continental breakfast not included because there is no continent.
3. Lincoln Memorial Flea Market Weekends
Honest Abe would have wanted this. Every Saturday and Sunday, vendors can set up folding tables around the memorial selling vintage campaign buttons, knockoff handbags, and food truck tacos. For an extra $500, you can drape your “LIVE LAUGH LOVE” sign across Lincoln’s lap. He’s not using it.
4. MAGA Throne-Carrying Golf Cart Service
Why should the President ride in a golf cart like some ordinary millionaire when devoted supporters would pay for the honor of carrying him in a shoulder-borne throne, Roman emperor–style? Bidding starts at $10,000 per 100 yards. Premium tier ($50,000) includes the right to fan him with palm fronds and shout “MAKE WAY FOR THE CHOSEN ONE” in the accent of your choice. This also creates jobs, which we’re told is important.
5. Tank Rides with Pete Hegseth
The Secretary of Defense is a television personality, and television personalities need content. For $5,000, Pete will personally drive an M1 Abrams through your subdivision while you ride shotgun and he explains why your neighbor’s Prius is a threat to national security. Upgrade to the “Full Hegseth” package ($15,000) and he’ll do it shirtless while reciting the Constitution from memory. (Conditions apply. Memory may vary.)
6. Adopt-a-Pothole: Infrastructure Sponsorship Program
America’s roads have approximately 33 million potholes. That’s not a problem—that’s inventory. Corporations can sponsor individual potholes with tasteful bronze plaques: “This Axle-Destroying Crater Brought to You by Applebee’s.” For $1 million, you can name an entire collapsed bridge. The “Charmin Ultrasoft Memorial Overpass” has a nice ring to it.
7. Congressional Cameo Videos
Celebrities charge hundreds of dollars for personalized video messages. Congresspeople are also technically celebrities, in the sense that people recognize them and feel strong emotions. For $200, your senator will wish Grandma a happy birthday. For $500, they’ll pretend to read your policy proposal. For $2,000, they’ll do both while wearing the costume of your choice. (Note: Some members of Congress already dress like they’re in costume, so results may vary.)
8. National Park “Glamping Experiences”
Yellowstone’s Old Faithful erupts every 90 minutes like clockwork. You know what erupts even more reliably? Rich people’s willingness to pay for exclusivity. For $25,000 a night, guests can sleep in luxury tents positioned exactly where the geyser will spray at dawn, providing a “spa experience” that cannot be found anywhere else, primarily for safety reasons.
9. White House Escape Room
The executive mansion has 132 rooms, many of which haven’t been used since the Taft administration. Convert the East Wing into an escape room where participants have 60 minutes to “find the classified documents” before “the FBI arrives.” Family-friendly version available where you just look for the missing Easter eggs. $10,000 per team. Hint packets sold separately.
10. Sell Naming Rights to Government Agencies
This is just common sense. The “Coca-Cola Department of Health and Human Services.” The “Amazon Bureau of Labor Statistics” (they have relevant expertise). “The IRS, Presented by TurboTax”—this one practically writes itself. For enough money, we could even rename the country. “The United States of America, a Subsidiary of Tesla” has a certain ring to it, and we already know the CEO has White House access.
Cynics Say
Some cynics might say that $230 billion in tariff revenue cannot mathematically replace $5 trillion in tax revenue, and that suggesting otherwise is—to use the technical economic term—”not how numbers work.”
To those cynics, I say: where is your creativity? Your can-do American spirit? Your willingness to ignore arithmetic for the sake of optimism?
Rome wasn’t built in a day. It was also eventually sacked by people who didn’t pay taxes, but that’s probably not relevant.
In the meantime, I’ll be first in line for the tank ride.
