13 Things Airlines Are Keeping From You

Fair warning. This article contains some of the deep, dark secrets the airlines don’t want you to know. Proceed at your own risk.

1. The cabin lights are dimmed at night so we don’t have to look at your faces.

2. The overhead bins are always crowded because we use two of them to store red gas cans of extra fuel.

3. If you get bumped, we can offer to pay you right on the spot in sub sandwiches or season tickets to the Cleveland Browns.

4. When searching for tickets online, you’ll have better luck if you don’t add the qualifier, “Near the bar.”

5. Pilots cannot eat the same food. This protect them from the possibility of poisoning. No pilots can eat Chipotle at any time.

6. If you lose your luggage, we can offer you the luggage of a stranger from the next plane that lands.

7. No, the seats are not smaller. You are just eating too much GABAGOOL.

8. We never clean the trays we serve the food on. This is because the germ layer is so thick, we can’t penetrate it anyway.

9. We love to cancel flights. It’s not because we have to, we just like the power.

10. We caution our valued customers about using third-party booking sites. We’d rather you book on our site, so any tickets coming from outside our domain are immediately rebooked on Greyhound.

11. Check for last minute availabilities, especially from travelers bailing when they find out they are sitting next to Kanye.

12. Don’t let your baby crawl on the carpet. It has the exact same germ layer that is on the trays. In fact, don’t touch any part of the plane or its contents.

13. If your flight is cancelled. we will try to put you on a better flight. Who are we kidding, they are all the same horrible experience.